Absolute BEST Self Help Strategies You've Used

Hi, I'm new here and I would love to hear about the most effective techniques you've used to help with AvPD. Maybe we could all help each other out.

I'll start. (This is part of a post I left in PQ's new forum.) I found this a few years ago in another chat room. I know its about social anxiety disorder, but all the symptoms overlap with AvPD. What this guy (gal?) had to say has been very helpful to me (except instead of the author's "ten second time out", I usually take about 30 seconds.) Here goes :

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"SELF HELP STRATEGIES:

-Distracting Yourself-

It happens to all of us in social situations: You'll have thoughts like, "Are they gonna think I'm stupid?", "What if I embarrass myself in front of them?" or, "Can she tell how scared I am right now?" You're having 'social anxiety thoughts.' These thoughts can be an underlying cause of social anxiety. But distracting yourself can help.

This is one method you can use to distract yourself in social situations: Whenever you have social anxiety thoughts, try to imagine what the other person (or people) might be thinking and feeling instead. But here's the catch--none of those imagined thoughts or feelings can be about what they think of you. Try thinking thoughts like: "Is he happy today?", "Does she agree with what the professor just said?" or, "Maybe they feel nervous, too." Anything they might be feeling or thinking will work, just so long as it DOESN'T have to do with YOU. If the social anxiety thoughts come back, never beat yourself up. Just gently bring your focus back to the other person's thoughts and feelings each time those thoughts resurface.

Distracting yourself can really take the edge off of social anxiety. And it makes it easier to talk with and relate to people--because sometimes those thoughts and feelings you imagine can be pretty close to what they're actually feeling. The more you practice this method, the better you get at it.

-Ten Second Time Out-

Whenever I was in a socially anxious situation, I used to force myself to do it. I'd think, "You HAVE to do this! You MUST stay here and do this!" I'd always wind up feeling more anxious. Then I learned about a technique where you stop or step away for about ten or twenty seconds (be sure to come back after you're finished) and take a few slow, deep breaths. Whenever you're beginning to feel overwhelmed with anxiety this can take the edge off. It sounds simple, but it works. It helps you feel like you have more control; because you know you can CHOOSE to take a quick break anytime you need to. When I do this I don't feel as trapped and helpless as I did before, so my anxiety begins to decrease. This strategy has helped me get through a lot of situations that I wouldn't have gotten through otherwise. Try it for yourself..."

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EDIT:I really liked the above author's techniques. For me, the 'distracting method' and the 'timeout' have made my symptoms easier to cope with.

Distracting Method: When I use this method when I'm having a conversation with someone, my mind doesn't go blank as much and I can usually think of something interesting to say. When I'm talking with people they seem more interested (not bored like they used to) because I can focus on them instead of an endless string of doubts and fears running through my head. Even if I'm not talking to anyone and I'm just in a room with other people, it still helps to take my mind off my anxious thoughts. Distracting myself calms me down and helps me connect better with people.

Timeout: This has been a lifesaver for me in preventing panic attacks. Before 'Timeouts' I'd have one or two panic attacks every time I was around any large group of people. I mean I'd be out there in a mall somewhere and I'd be sweating, my heart would be racing and I'd be shaking so bad I could barely walk. But now when I feel my anxiety level rising (before it gets to the level of a panic attack) I just take 30 seconds or less and stop and breathe deeply for a little while, then I go back to what I was doing before feeling calmer (not 'non-AvPD calm' but at least calm enough to finish what I was doing and not run back home and not go back out for a month like I used to.) So yeah, this has helped me A Lot.

So, what are the best self help techniques you've ever used? And how have they made your life with AvPD easier? Please let us all know. Thanks.

I drink heavily. Works like a charm.

Very funny.

Funny, but true. There are a number of undesirable side effects to be considered, however.

Okay seriously, does anyone have any really good tips to share for dealing with AvPD? One for maintaining eye contact maybe? (I need all the help I can get in that department.)

IStillHaveHope wrote:Okay seriously, does anyone have any really good tips to share for dealing with AvPD? One for maintaining eye contact maybe? (I need all the help I can get in that department.)

LOL I fear you are asking the blind to lead the blind. If we had these techniques we might not be here. However, I have always used the acting method ie pretending that you are playing the part of an extrovert... how would he or she act. That is really all I have. It has worked well except for, people love the act I am putting on and don't know me, and also, I can't keep up with it for very long.

I have never used any self help strategies and achieved any results. I have tried immersion into the things I avoid, with varying success and results over long periods of time.

Self-help and self-affirmation etc have proved entirely unsccuessful with me. As already noted by sara,they will usually go out the window the next day or upon the fist negative social interaction.

This is a illness that can only be tackled through direct experience. You can't talk yorself through it or use positive thinking to reprogram the circuits in our brain that were inititally programmed to react the way we do to society and people. We avoid ebcause of the traumatic experiences that programmed our brains to think of people as soemthing that will hurt us.

Affirmations or self-help may let us deal with immediate pain in the moment but they do nothing to help us face the thing we fear. If someone was afraid of flying, just telling themselves over and over that air travel is safer than driving will go out the window once they get inside the airplane and it tales off. Instincts kick and they become panicked and terror sets in. It is only when they fly again and again and see that the plane doesn't crash and their fears were unwarraneted they that drop the anxiety and fear.

This illness can only be tackled through direct exposure by facing the things we fear. The good news is that it can be done. The bad news is it is not as easy as just boarding and airplane an riding it many times to get over the fear. The problem is that our fear and anxiety can be so strong it prevents us from even boarding the plane or boarding it again after the first experience reaffirms our fears and anxiety.

That's probably why people like sara and msyelf are in our 40's and still debilitated by the illness. It is not an easy nut to crack and takes a tremendous amout of time and effort to make substantial progress.

Unfortunately, it is not a glamorous illness in the public eye like Sociapathy or drug addiction so it is largely ignored by MH industry and most MH providers/therapists. Avoidant personality does not take hold of the public imagination and most will see it as a personal defect ratehr than a disorder. The hard truth is that you are pretty much on your own unless you can find a therapist who can work with you and understands the disorder--very few do. Fortunately, I have found one and he actually works with the issue. Most all I have seen prior cannot understand and know very little about it. The advice from most all therapists will be -- "Stop being negatve. Just get over it." They are as cluless as are most lay people on this subject.

IStillHaveHope wrote:Okay seriously, does anyone have any really good tips to share for dealing with AvPD? One for maintaining eye contact maybe? (I need all the help I can get in that department.)

Yeah, look a really good looking woman in the eyes and then smile at her and start talking. Very easy to maintain eye contact if she is willing to play (and most do seem to be).

Self-help (in the sense of the commerical self-help movement) was a big bomb for me too. Just too much shallowness in that philosophy for me to stomach. Because of this I still react with hostility toward self-helpism whenever it comes up here (calling it gay and what not). I think self-help exists mostly to line people's pockets. The charm quickly wears off if you actually bother to think about what they are saying for 60 seconds with a critical eye. Mostly that doesn't happen though since it is just wounded sheep grasping at straws and not wanting to upset the naked emperor.

-- Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:49 am --

Existentialist wrote: The problem is that our fear and anxiety can be so strong it prevents us from even boarding the plane or boarding it again after the first experience reaffirms our fears and anxiety.

Another difference is that planes are not cognizant of our anxiety and it does not cause them to react worse to us than if we were confident and "normal". It's almost like dealing with a plane that was more likely to crash (or at least experience trouble) if you had a fear of flying.

Now the good news is that this hypothetical plane would also react positively to confidence, and I think that is partially why self help works for some. Even though they don't have confidence in themselves, they have confidence in the self help win friends and influence people system, so their anxiety is diminished, making the plane less likely crash, and them more likely to fly again. The hope is that as time goes along they drop their confidence in the self-help system and it becomes confidence in themselves and by the time they have realized the system is all non-sense it doesn't matter anymore because they are to successfully interact with people normally. I think it's ultimately a race between these things.

SaraShaw wrote:LOL I fear you are asking the blind to lead the blind. If we had these techniques we might not be here.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. We're all struggling individually right now with this confounding puzzle called AvPD and none of us is well enough to show someone else how to solve it. But sometimes we may find one piece that makes it a little easier for us. If we combine it with what someone else has learned, maybe we can get a little further along than we could have before. Even though we feel poorly equipped to make progress on this puzzle ourselves.

SaraShaw wrote: However, I have always used the acting method ie pretending that you are playing the part of an extrovert... how would he or she act.

Thanks so much for the tip. I'm definitely gonna try it.

I'm with existentialist here.. doing the things you fear is the only way to get over them. I had a method that helped some -- I set goals that were difficult but not too difficult for me to actually complete. I could then check them off the list and try to go onto something more challenging.

For large challenges, I would break them down into easier, or related bits.

Certainly there were "failures" but for the most part, the only way I felt I failed a challenge is if I could not go through with it at all. Even poor or embarrassing results were OK because I was brave enough to try, and I could check off that accomplishment.

A useable example: Let's say you are somewhat uncomfortable with walking around the mall yourself so you avoid it. Do it one day, then rinse and repeat, again and again. Soon it will no longer feel strange (at least that's how it worked for me, YMMV).

I've gotten much better when I actively try to do the above. But I've also found that when I don't use it, I lose it and have to start again.

I've found it helpful to actively try to stop thinking "what do they think of me" and concentrate on what I think of THEM. I don't know if this habit could stick though.

And of course, as always, YMMV. Oh yeah, and not to agree with HarveyDent's solution, but a couple of beers HAS helped me out in the past.