advice needed

Hi there

I am so glad to stumble upon this space. I have a very close friend who has Avoidant Personality Disorder. He is such a good person but finds it impossible to see any good in himself. He is having a hard time lately, and it is heartbreaking to see his struggle and be unable to help in any real way.

I am the closest friend he has ever had, and I know he finds it very difficult to deal with the familiarity and intimacy of close friendship. It is a friendship, not a romantic relationship but sometimes he likes to give me a hug and then he goes through agonies over the fact we have hugged each other. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me but it does make me feel a bit bad that he so hates any form of physical touch with me. I never initiate it - but even though he is the initiator he still gets stressed to the max over it - go figure.

He lives alone in a house that has maximum security including electronic security fencing. He shuts the world out but then complains that no body visits him... he doesnt see that he does not create a milieu in which people can just drop in and visit him. For a start you cannot even get to the front door to knock on it. He rarely answers his phone. I have been a close friend to him for a number of years, but have never been inside his house, though he comes to my house quite frequently.

All in all, this is a very difficult friendship to maintain. Both of us have been hurt by it, but both of us value it and so we persist with it.

At the moment I am worried about him because he has left his job and is under a lot of stress. I am worried he will become more withdrawn and isolated. I have noticed that the more time he spends alone, the more anxious and ruminative he becomes.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to be a supportive friend to him during this difficult time.

Wow, I really admire your ability to recognize AvPD in your friend. I also think your persistence in continuing this relationship despite its difficulties is wonderful. Those are exactly the kinds of friends AvPDs need. It is extremely hard to develop close/intimate relationships - platonic or romantic. The fact that this person trusts you enough to let you into his world, even if in a slightly limited way means he is more comfortable and trusting of you than most. Often, even with people we like, it's hard to fully open up, so don't take it personally - it just comes with the disorder I think.

The fact that you care so much about this individual to post a message here really says a lot. I would encourage you just to learn as much as you can about AvPD or extreme introversion, because it will help you understand A LOT of the behavior your friend exhibits. Even with friends, we can still feel deep down that we are inadequate and always fear that people will eventually see flaws in us and abandon us, so we can't trust too much, even with friends we can be guarded. At least this is my experience and typical from what I have read. We want friends, but friendships also put us in a very vulnerable spot from our view. My long-term friends, although, they have no idea what AvPD is or that it even exists, much less that I have it, they have just come to accept that I disappear for extended periods of time, don't answer the phone return phone calls and e-mails - at least until I am in a better place to handle it. Though this must be a bit baffling, they also know that is just how I am. People who don't understand it give up and move on. It's hard to maintain stable relationships with our odd needs, but the people who accept us are the most important. I find it rewarding to have one or two close people in my life and that is enough for me.

The best thing you can do is be understanding and accepting of your friend. The more comfortable he is with you the more his wall will come down - at least with you, if not with the rest of the world.

I also rarely answer my phone or door - even for people I like. Part of it is just needing lots of time and space alone - this can happen anytime, usually just has to do with mood at the moment.

There may not be anything you can do to change or help your friend, except what I said: try to understand how and why he is the way he is and let him know that you accept him and perhaps you will have a chance to get closer. Don't be afraid or dismayed, because I suspect this person must have enough admirable qualities that makes this relationship worth pursuing. He's lucky to have someone like you.

Thanks for your reply Adna ... I really appreciate it.

You are right in that the more I have learned about the condition the more I have been able to understand him and why he does the things he does. I know he does trust me and he really has let me in to his world - more so than he has anyone else. There are times of course he shuts me out, and I have learned that he just needs to be able to do that sometimes.

I do care about him a lot - he is one of the best friends I have ever had... but at times it is difficult on both of us. Though he really likes our friendship, it also makes him anxious and so every now and then he kind of withdraws from it. At first this would baffle me, but I have come to understand it.

And you are right, he does have a lot of wonderful qualities. Of course he does not see this at all, and sometimes asks me why I bother with him, what do I get out of it.

One of the hardest things in this friendship is trying to strike a balance being able to reach out and be supportive and let him know he has a friend (especially at times like this when I know he is in pain), and being mindful of his need for solitude and not being in any way intrusive into that part of him that needs to be alone.

Hi everyone,

I am new to this message board and am SO GLAD I found it. In reading Adna's reply to Patsra's concerns about her friend with AvPD I desperately need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for five years. When I first met him we had a wonderful close relationship. We lived together when we were both in law school. I graduated 2 years ago and he just graduated last month and is studying for the Bar Exam. We had sexual intimacy and he has opened up to me about his cold, rejecting father and how he feels that he has no self worth, no self-esteem and has few friends. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, adn I don't doubt that he truly loves me. By his actions he has shown me throughout 4 years that he loves me.

However, about two years ago he began going for days and weeks at a time without answering my calls. One time he went for 5 months doing this. I would leave voice mails crying, begging and pleading him to call me back and STILL would get no response. Also, another AvPD trait he has exhibited is that he's very private and secretive and tells white lies or "omits details" just so that he doesn't have to face my criticism or rejection. His avoidance is a vicious cycle where he goes days sleeping at my house and everything seems perfectly fine with him. No signs of any distress. Then, OUT OF NOWHERE he just won't call or see me or answer his phone for days !

I know why he does this and have read enough about AvPD to understand this behavior. Everything I've read says avoidants only open up to those who they feel "safe" with and the literature emphasizes that friends and partners need to show unconditional love, no criticism and support. The problem is that during the first two years of our relationship, I didn't understand why he would not answer his phone or avoid sending out resumes to find a job after law school. So, I WAS critical and judgmental of him. I was very direct and told him I loved him to death, but needed stability in my life and could not trust him if he told me white lies and didn't reveal his "true" self to me.

Ok...fast forward two years. After living with his withdrawal periods and doing a lot of self-learning and analysis, I changed. I ralized that no matter who I am with, I simply cannot be so demanding and critical of my partners. Don't get me wrong, I have always been nurturing and supportive to an extent, but always would tell my boyfriend that he wasn't doing something the "right" way or that I didn't approve of some things he did.

Ok, now that you know my history of being somewhat demanding, now I need your advice. I am at a point now where, after reading about AvPD and learning about MYSELF, I feel like I am a new person and want to show boyfriend that I understand him and love him unconditionally. I feel like since we had a long distance relationship for two years while he was still in law school, I have never been able to spend enough time with him to SHOW him through my actions that I accept him unconditionally and want him to feel "safe" with me. In essence, I haven't gotten the opportunity to try to "reverse" the way he feels around me because he's viewing me as judgmental based on my past behavior. He says sometimes the way I talk reminds him of his critical father. Can I EVER reverse the way he feels around me ?


He has told me that "needs to learn to love himself before he can be with me and give what he wants to give me." He says he wants to be financially independent so he can give me what I need. He also has told me that he wants to open up to me but on his own terms and "when he is ready." I took this as good sign because at least he admits that he has been hiding his true self from me and wants to be close to me and show me his real self.

The thing is that he keeps on engaging in these cycles of withdrawal. At first his withdrawal baffled me because it seemed so sudden and without explanation. But soon I came to realize that he is avoiding ME because he feels pressure (partly due to my previous criticism and partly self-created pressure) to "be a certain person" for me. He feels he may fall short of these expectations and that I will be judgmental of him. Avoidants avoid any situation where they feel they will be judged or criticized. He avoids me because he feels I won't accept him as he is if he shows me his true self. The problem is, how can I even begin to show him that I love him unconditionally and accept him if he withdraws from me and does not feel that I am a "safe," accepting person who he can open up to ? Withdrawal KILLS communication and prevents intimacy from developing.

Every time he withdraws and doesn't answer my phone calls for days I cannot help but get extremely angry at him. It's like he doesn't realize what pain this causes me. Some times I think he just doesn't miss me that much or feel the emotion of loss or separation the way I do. Although he's told me wants closeness, his behavior tells me he doesn't care if he never has closeness.

I told him I have come to not depend on him for anything because there is no stability in his behavior. How can trust him to be the father of my children if he is going to withdraw unexpectedly for days ? It scares me to depend on him because his behavior is not stable. Because I am his partner (and not just a close friend), I need to be able to depend on him. I told him I can deal with his depression or anything that he may be feeling, but I need him to communicate with me so that I know when something is bothering him. I need closeness.

The worst part about AvPD and the reason that people with AvPD lose partners who are actually very devoted to them, is because a basic preqrequisite in any intimate, romantic relationship is trust and closeness. He has told me he desires closeness (and I don't doubt that), but I don't know if I'll ever be able to achieve any closeness with him.

I can be accepting of his tendency to avoid as a defense mechanism, but as a partner, I cannot help but get angry and hurt when he disappears for days. He says he feels extreme guilt and shame when he does this and knows it hurts me but he can't help it. Will he ever be able to at least call me consistently ? When he withdraws for days I am left utterly alone and feel like I have no boyfriend or any partner that I can rely on.

Except for not being honest about some things and disappearing for days without notice, my boyfriend is loving and supportive. We have similar interests and thoroughly enjoy our time with one another. Both of us feel like we are "the one" for each other. We are deeply in love. If I did not love him so much I would have moved on to a more dependable partner a long time ago and would not have put up with months of not talking to him because he disappeared for months.

Because I love him so much I am finding it hard to walk away from this relationship. The extreme fashion in which he will not answer his phone NO MATTER WHAT is very scary. Even when my grandmother died and I left him a voice mail, he did not call me. What does it take to MAKE him call me ? NOTHING WORKS.

The only thing that is keeping me from ending this relationship is how much I love him and the fact that I've read that people with AvPD actually desire closeness; they just run from it as a defensive mechanism.

Is that how you feel ? Do you actually WANT closeness or are you fine not having closeness with a partner ?

Whenever he disappears for days I leave him endless voice mails telling him how much I love him and accept him. I call him off the hook desperately hoping he'll answer. The only way I know how to show him my unconditional love is by keeping repeating that I'm not giving up on him and love him no matter what. But, is my intensity in calling him so much and telling him I love him actually driving him to withdraw even more ? Does my calling him so many times actuallly create more pressure in his mind that he is letting me down BECAUSE I love him so much and he is letting me down by not calling ?

The problem is, he is so inconsistent in how he spends some days with me and then withdraws or just doesn't call me to "touch base" and tell me where he is or what his plans are. After not talking to me for days he says he "lost track of time" or "his cell phone died" or some excuse.

What is the best thing to do when he withdraws ? Leaving him alone and not calling him ? I fear doing this because I've done it before and it got us nowhere. If I don't call he might feel that I don't love him unconditionally, so I always feel the need to keep repreating that I love him for who he is no matter what.

Do you think my boyfriend would be better off with another avoidant person who does not want closeness and therefore won't care as much when he withdraws ? Would another avoidant person be a better match for him ?

Do you think that he will always view me as a critical person who he simply can't open up to no matter what I do, so I should just end this ? Or, do you think I should try showing him, through patience and unconditional love, that I accept him to see if he will eventually view me as a "safe" person who he doesn't need to avoid ?

After a person has criticized you, can you EVER view them as "safe" even if they change and have shown you throughout the years that they really love you ? Will he ALWAYS avoid me because he'll always view me as critical ? If so, then maybe I should just give up.

If you or anyone could provide any insight to these questions you would be helping me tremendously in understanding my boyfriend and making an important decision.

Hi everyone,

I am new to this message board and am SO GLAD I found it. In reading Adna's reply to Patsra's concerns about her friend with AvPD I desperately need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for five years. When I first met him we had a wonderful close relationship. We lived together when we were both in law school. I graduated 2 years ago and he just graduated last month and is studying for the Bar Exam. We had sexual intimacy and he has opened up to me about his cold, rejecting father and how he feels that he has no self worth, no self-esteem and has few friends. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, adn I don't doubt that he truly loves me. By his actions he has shown me throughout 4 years that he loves me.

However, about two years ago he began going for days and weeks at a time without answering my calls. One time he went for 5 months doing this. I would leave voice mails crying, begging and pleading him to call me back and STILL would get no response. Also, another AvPD trait he has exhibited is that he's very private and secretive and tells white lies or "omits details" just so that he doesn't have to face my criticism or rejection. His avoidance is a vicious cycle where he goes days sleeping at my house and everything seems perfectly fine with him. No signs of any distress. Then, OUT OF NOWHERE he just won't call or see me or answer his phone for days !

I know why he does this and have read enough about AvPD to understand this behavior. Everything I've read says avoidants only open up to those who they feel "safe" with and the literature emphasizes that friends and partners need to show unconditional love, no criticism and support. The problem is that during the first two years of our relationship, I didn't understand why he would not answer his phone or avoid sending out resumes to find a job after law school. So, I WAS critical and judgmental of him. I was very direct and told him I loved him to death, but needed stability in my life and could not trust him if he told me white lies and didn't reveal his "true" self to me.

Ok...fast forward two years. After living with his withdrawal periods and doing a lot of self-learning and analysis, I changed. I ralized that no matter who I am with, I simply cannot be so demanding and critical of my partners. Don't get me wrong, I have always been nurturing and supportive to an extent, but always would tell my boyfriend that he wasn't doing something the "right" way or that I didn't approve of some things he did.

Ok, now that you know my history of being somewhat demanding, now I need your advice. I am at a point now where, after reading about AvPD and learning about MYSELF, I feel like I am a new person and want to show boyfriend that I understand him and love him unconditionally. I feel like since we had a long distance relationship for two years while he was still in law school, I have never been able to spend enough time with him to SHOW him through my actions that I accept him unconditionally and want him to feel "safe" with me. In essence, I haven't gotten the opportunity to try to "reverse" the way he feels around me because he's viewing me as judgmental based on my past behavior. He says sometimes the way I talk reminds him of his critical father. Can I EVER reverse the way he feels around me ?


He has told me that "needs to learn to love himself before he can be with me and give what he wants to give me." He says he wants to be financially independent so he can give me what I need. He also has told me that he wants to open up to me but on his own terms and "when he is ready." I took this as good sign because at least he admits that he has been hiding his true self from me and wants to be close to me and show me his real self.

The thing is that he keeps on engaging in these cycles of withdrawal. At first his withdrawal baffled me because it seemed so sudden and without explanation. But soon I came to realize that he is avoiding ME because he feels pressure (partly due to my previous criticism and partly self-created pressure) to "be a certain person" for me. He feels he may fall short of these expectations and that I will be judgmental of him. Avoidants avoid any situation where they feel they will be judged or criticized. He avoids me because he feels I won't accept him as he is if he shows me his true self. The problem is, how can I even begin to show him that I love him unconditionally and accept him if he withdraws from me and does not feel that I am a "safe," accepting person who he can open up to ? Withdrawal KILLS communication and prevents intimacy from developing.

Every time he withdraws and doesn't answer my phone calls for days I cannot help but get extremely angry at him. It's like he doesn't realize what pain this causes me. Some times I think he just doesn't miss me that much or feel the emotion of loss or separation the way I do. Although he's told me wants closeness, his behavior tells me he doesn't care if he never has closeness.

I told him I have come to not depend on him for anything because there is no stability in his behavior. How can trust him to be the father of my children if he is going to withdraw unexpectedly for days ? It scares me to depend on him because his behavior is not stable. Because I am his partner (and not just a close friend), I need to be able to depend on him. I told him I can deal with his depression or anything that he may be feeling, but I need him to communicate with me so that I know when something is bothering him. I need closeness.

The worst part about AvPD and the reason that people with AvPD lose partners who are actually very devoted to them, is because a basic preqrequisite in any intimate, romantic relationship is trust and closeness. He has told me he desires closeness (and I don't doubt that), but I don't know if I'll ever be able to achieve any closeness with him.

I can be accepting of his tendency to avoid as a defense mechanism, but as a partner, I cannot help but get angry and hurt when he disappears for days. He says he feels extreme guilt and shame when he does this and knows it hurts me but he can't help it. Will he ever be able to at least call me consistently ? When he withdraws for days I am left utterly alone and feel like I have no boyfriend or any partner that I can rely on.

Except for not being honest about some things and disappearing for days without notice, my boyfriend is loving and supportive. We have similar interests and thoroughly enjoy our time with one another. Both of us feel like we are "the one" for each other. We are deeply in love. If I did not love him so much I would have moved on to a more dependable partner a long time ago and would not have put up with months of not talking to him because he disappeared for months.

Because I love him so much I am finding it hard to walk away from this relationship. The extreme fashion in which he will not answer his phone NO MATTER WHAT is very scary. Even when my grandmother died and I left him a voice mail, he did not call me. What does it take to MAKE him call me ? NOTHING WORKS.

The only thing that is keeping me from ending this relationship is how much I love him and the fact that I've read that people with AvPD actually desire closeness; they just run from it as a defensive mechanism.

Is that how you feel ? Do you actually WANT closeness or are you fine not having closeness with a partner ?

Whenever he disappears for days I leave him endless voice mails telling him how much I love him and accept him. I call him off the hook desperately hoping he'll answer. The only way I know how to show him my unconditional love is by keeping repeating that I'm not giving up on him and love him no matter what. But, is my intensity in calling him so much and telling him I love him actually driving him to withdraw even more ? Does my calling him so many times actuallly create more pressure in his mind that he is letting me down BECAUSE I love him so much and he is letting me down by not calling ?

The problem is, he is so inconsistent in how he spends some days with me and then withdraws or just doesn't call me to "touch base" and tell me where he is or what his plans are. After not talking to me for days he says he "lost track of time" or "his cell phone died" or some excuse.

What is the best thing to do when he withdraws ? Leaving him alone and not calling him ? I fear doing this because I've done it before and it got us nowhere. If I don't call he might feel that I don't love him unconditionally, so I always feel the need to keep repreating that I love him for who he is no matter what.

Do you think my boyfriend would be better off with another avoidant person who does not want closeness and therefore won't care as much when he withdraws ? Would another avoidant person be a better match for him ?

Do you think that he will always view me as a critical person who he simply can't open up to no matter what I do, so I should just end this ? Or, do you think I should try showing him, through patience and unconditional love, that I accept him to see if he will eventually view me as a "safe" person who he doesn't need to avoid ?

After a person has criticized you, can you EVER view them as "safe" even if they change and have shown you throughout the years that they really love you ? Will he ALWAYS avoid me because he'll always view me as critical ? If so, then maybe I should just give up.

If you or anyone could provide any insight to these questions you would be helping me tremendously in understanding my boyfriend and making an important decision.

I have written a long reply to you on the thread you started.

The only other thing I would add is to think long and hard about loving person who cannot love you back, and commiting to a person who cannot commit to you.

His behavior when your grandmother died should tell you what sort of support you and any children you might have could expect from this man.

Unfortunately, I suspect he would make an inadequate and emotionally abusive husband and father.

It's a shame you love him, but love is not enough.

You need to move on. If he was in therapy I would hold out a glimmer of hope, but not much. But it seems he is not... this man will not change.

What you see is what you will get.

If I were you I would start running.

SillyAli18,

I read your story and can see this is CLEARLY a very distressing situation for you and can understand why. I wish I could give you a short answer . I can't seem to ever have a short posting and I'm sure I repeat myself all the time, so for that I apologize.

You and your boyfriend lived together, seem to have had an intimate relationship and he HAS opened up a lot to you which means a lot.

So, here are some of the best guesses I can come up with as to what might be going on:

1. He requires a lot of time alone at certain times and can't deal with anything (even returning phone calls) during these periods of time. When I get stressed I become more and more avoidant. I don't even communicate with people I like and care about, just because I can't deal with ANYTHING because there is too much going on in my life or in my head for me to cope with - and it's NOT personal in anyway. Going back to stressors: They really trigger my avoidancy - BIG LIFE CHANGES/TRANSITIONS are periods of total confusion and chaos (in my head). I don't know what is happening in his life, but he may frightened of all the expectations/obligations that come with work/marriage/children, etc. Could he be afraid of something that is causing him stress? I was so afraid of what the hell I was going to do after school (even though I was an excellent student) that I left college every time I came close to graduating. I have had the same experience during any transitional phases in my life - even about things I WANT to do.

2. (I'm not sure how long you've had a long-distance relationship for). Perhaps literally and figuratively this has made him feel a distance between you two and that intimacy needs to be reestablished. Perhaps throughout the long-distance part of the relationship he has been spared the "difficult" aspects of relationships - not having to open up as much, being able to be alone more, not having to communicate - maybe he has become comfortable in this situation and fears your desire for "more" from him. He ought to at least be able to give you a better explanation of what is going on - not lame excuses.

3. He may have schizoid traits that would make it even more difficult for him to develop that intimacy. I know schizoids that claim they want to get married, have kids, etc., but often cannot cope with real intimacy. They may prefer something like a long-distance relationship, because it gives them the (albeit limited) social/romantic needs they do have, but allows them to keep their autonomy, privacy, etc. The fact that you have been together for so long makes me think he is not altogether schizoid, but may have a mixture of traits that could account for some of his behavior.

4. I hate to say this and hope that this is not the case, it is just a possibility - but perhaps he cannot commit, has decided or perhaps isn't sure if he wants to continue the relationship and doesn't have the guts to admit it and tell you. Opening up, communicating can be very difficult - especially when it comes to (negative) emotional things. He may be afraid of disappointing you, afraid of anger or resentment on your part, feeling guilty himself - so he is AVOIDING it by not dealing with the issue and being straight with you - and avoiding you, too. The only reason I say this is because I never found the courage to break up with anyone and somehow I found ways around it. I feel terrible about breaking up with anyone and it's just too hard for me to do. Avoidants don't like to disappoint (because this leads to perceived or real rejection).
Is it possible that he is seeing someone else? I hate to even ask this, because I can see you are really in love with him (and he with you), but the extreme behavior does seem odd, especially since you have a long history together and are close to him (probably more so than anyone else in his life).

5. Just not feeling good enough about himself and being a perfectionist. The fact that he says he wants to have enough money to support you, being afraid to send out resumes after law school and so on are signs that he is afraid he is or will be inadequate. I think most avoidants see things in black and white and tend to be perfectionists, they perceive the smallest flaw (in themselves or their work) to mean complete failure of THEMSELVES entirely. He may be very afraid of not being able to live up to your expectations (like in a marriage), but I don't think that should prevent you from expressing yourself - even criticisms. (They just need to be balanced with positive feedback, which it sounds like you probably give anyway). You need to communicate your needs, too, so don't forget to look out for yourself in all of this - it's true in any relationship. You sound like you reassure him of your love plenty, but you could also remind him that he doesn't have to be perfect, that it is okay to have faults and not to be ashamed to show them (especially with you).

My best suggestion is to (in person) confront him in a non-judgemental way. You can gently explain that his behavior hurts and confuses you and that you just want to know what is really going on no matter what it is. If you open yourself up and make YOURSELF vulnerable in a way, he may be able to do so also. See if you can get some real answers FROM HIM by approaching softly and encouraging him to tell you honestly what is happening. Let him know you are prepared to accept whatever it is he has to say. YOU need to know what is happening.

I really hope everything works out for you. If you had a close relationship before I think there is definitely a chance to establish that again, but it means being open with each other (discussing what is happening) - and in this particular instance - in a non-critical way, because he will tell his "little white lies" to avoid saying how he really feels if he thinks you will be critical of it. If you cannot get anything out of him then, well, I think you have done more than your fair share to make the relationship work - and you can't change the way he is. I don't think it means he would be better off with someone who is avoidant. He may just be incapable of some things (i.e. maintaining a stable relationship) because of his AvPD. But you need to live your life too and you can't make the relationship work without his cooperation and commitment.

Sorry for rambling, but I really wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out well for you. No matter what the outcome, remember all of life's experiences are for learning and growing.

Adna