35 years old. asked a fgirl out for first time. got stood up

@paratata: How far along were you? Was it before a first date? Was it after she stood you up? As I've said before in this thread admitting weakness in the right context can demonstrate strength. I agree there is a time for it. Showing you are working on it, rather than just throwing up your hands as trident advocates, is a sign of strength.

(From the other angle, I've been out with girls who have told me all about their problems and therapy on the first date. No idea why someone would do that. I just take it as a sign they are trying to give me an excuse to pullback. So I do.)

@trident: Some decisions I make are confident, some are fearful. In some areas of life I am strong, in others weak. If people just looked at the best of my decisions, I am confident. If they just looked at the worst I am fearful. Similarly, If they look at my best areas I am strong, if they look at my worst I am weak.

How would they rate me overall? Hopefully not on the basis of one action. No matter how much you are going to try to split and set up your strawmen here, I called one of his decisions weak, not the overall person. The overall person I called a "fighter". Call it a "token" statement if that makes you feel better. Again you are trying to imply that I am a liar whenever I throw out something that doesn't fit into your bleak world view.

And as for how would I have felt if someone had told me my behavior was weak and pathetic when I tried back then? I don't have to imagine. It happened at the time. I felt pretty badly. Lashed out. I felt like they were call me that. But then I settled down and, realize they were right. They still liked me, weren't make an overall judgement of me, just the way I was projecting myself. That I needed to grow in one area. They still liked the overall person. I was greatful. I just wish they would have been even more persistent along those lines.

@trident: You seem to make a point now of how important it is to be gentle with burgers. Just looked back at the thread and it looks you were pretty critical of him at times too. Hardly gentle.

Do you just always need to opposing something? Do you not care if you keep your approach consistent or not?

Also you say you are mostly advocating that he just be comfortable with himself, yet you are okay with him, needlessly, apologizing (check the language the word is there) for his shyness. Care to explain?

I know that many chicks, if not the majority dig confidence, because that's the way nature intended males in the animal kingdom to be, and women get turned on by confident men.

and i know spilling the beans on shyness too early is a killer

with this girl though i am positive that the admission make her respect me instead of almost hate my guts. If i had of talked about AvPD trhat woulda been faaaarrrr too much- i know the limits!

since i said it i haven't been having massive panic attacks anymore - but the pain of it all makes me just want to run away because there is just too many things i've got to worry about.. this is the way it was wh3en i was 15 or 16.. its horrible, and ive expended allot of my energy on this. im on a freight train to rejection and if its not, i feel like i'll make it that way.. everything is working on such a strong subconscious level

worst thing is i sometimes i see her and i think "is this the one huh?" like i can barely pick her out of a lineup. its just stupid.


I dont think im really even going to try anymore- and by trying i mean, doing anythign whatsoever. .. if i sum up the will without looking cold, i'll go there on friday, wish her a happy birthday and see what she's like, and just vanish forever after.. never go to the gym on fridays or saturdays or morning classes ever again

No burgers don't give up. Keep trying with her.

burgers wrote:worst thing is i sometimes i see her and i think "is this the one huh?" like i can barely pick her out of a lineup. its just stupid.

Wow that's like the second girl I ever dated when i was getting to know her. When i was away from her I couldn't visualize what she looked like. My mind failed to latch onto her real image for some reason. (Kind of like my avoidant pattern in dreams where I knew people were someone but they didn't look like them.) I just remembered that she was very beautiful with long red hair. When I would see her, I would remember it was her but not instantly: took my mind sometime to process the clue.

(Amazing these little quirks us avies have in common. Like the trouble remembering names things. Makes think there really must be a strong biological component to it.)

AlAtBar wrote:

burgers wrote:worst thing is i sometimes i see her and i think "is this the one huh?" like i can barely pick her out of a lineup. its just stupid.

Wow that's like the second girl I ever dated when i was getting to know her. When i was away from her I couldn't visualize what she looked like. My mind failed to latch onto her real image for some reason. (Kind of like my avoidant pattern in dreams where I knew people were someone but they didn't look like them.) I just remembered that she was very beautiful with long red hair. When I would see her, I would remember it was her but not instantly: took my mind sometime to process the clue.

Are you fond of redheads too?

Is liking redheads best an avie quirk? Or just the two of us?

i went to the gym and did my class - she wasnt there.. but when i was putting away my stuff she amazingly was there- doign the next class. i only noitced in the last 30- seconds and she was about 2 metres away from me.. she was doing a stretch, looking down at the ground.. while i could not assume it was a diss i have to be realistic - she was helping me along getting over her. if she was keen she would have looked for eye contact.

what can i say? nothing, except i now know - 3 weeks after giving up the weed, what a debilitating illness i have. While i've learned stacks out of this i think this has been one of the worst experiences i've ever dealt with women. its horrific. somehow i think this has made me worse off. i just feel so completely consumed and ill in the head.

now i've been going on how i plan to avoid her and all that BUT when the other person does it, it just kills that little voice off in my head that knows i should have kept trying.

i don't know how to describe what i feel - an intense sadness, humiliation??, fear of having to attend classes and do "non-avoidant avoiding" with her and have her do that back.

I just am lost for words except that i am "very ill" and now i have to carry this new lot of experinces with me, and i have to get over her, which my obsessive component is going to latch onto. I really want to get over her fast and i really dont want to carry on thinking about her for years - gonna make it hard with her being there.

anybody got any tips on getting over her?

god damn.

Don't give up!

Or I could be giving you wrong advice. I almost went into "stalker" territory with a couple girls. AlAtbar can maybe offer a voice of reason.

AlAtBar wrote:Is liking redheads best an avie quirk? Or just the two of us?

I usually like brunettes but I've had a thing for redheads lately. Blondes are good too (just not my favorite). I don't discriminate.

yeah, i cant do it anymore.. i'll be in stalker territory

all i can do is be thankful i've given up the weed.

when i was 16 i used to date and dump a girl continuously because of this avoidant stuff- now i am 35

right now i don't like the intensity of my feeling of this "illness"

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:23 am --

Last time i had a rejection was in 2003 (that was a while ago now) and some girl started giving me cuddles at starts and ends of meetings her and that and i grew to like her.. in the end she screamed at me how i got the wrong idea and gave me long spreading of the arms emphatic "i was NEVER interested in you!" kinda stuff when she was stressed at work.. then i went into my avoidant land for all these years till 2009 when i tried again, now 2011.

and avies feel unworthy ? yeah well i feel unworthy bigtime.

techaddict wrote:AlAtbar can maybe offer a voice of reason.

Nah, I've just got the just the image of her stretcheded over and looking down at the ground seared into my mind. (Yeah, I'm perv in addition to being an avie: so sue me ).

edit: okay... I have no good advice to give on how to get over a girl. Only thing I found that "worked" was getting "obsessed" with a brand new one. Then again, I haven't been obsessed with any since December. Getting obsessed with work and the stock market and psychforums instead... How to drop the "OCD" altogether? Can't offer any clues there. There's honestly been times in my life when I've realize I'm just go to have to have some addiction and picked the least harmful ones. How about a pr0n addiction? Can't go wrong there, no?