AvPD: Is there a way out?

I used to have a support group for shy women on yahoo. It was online, and it was an email group where we got together and posted our days (what they were like) and I used to try to put together a list of things to conquer. I posted my attempts, successes, and failures. We gave each other support. I do think that a more coordinated approach that is flexible and attempts to set goals might work.. it's difficult though because we all are at different levels, and our goals would all be different.

I remain optimistic, because I know that I've improved at times, when circumstances and my own determination improved. Also, knowing about this disorder has given me great power over it, as I now can sometimes recognize and overcome the inner voice that is the PD. I have had life experiences that have helped make me this way. I've always felt that if I ever had a truly successful life, I would have nothing to be ashamed of, and no reason to avoid people.. but heh, this disorder can make having a successful life pretty difficult at times.

No, but i think it's important to work on it. If it makes you depressed the illusion you are achieving something can feel better than doing nothing. So do the rocky thing, maybe constant personal strife is better than acceptance and a certain peace? Who knows, do whatever you want. Going out of my way to befriend people was NEVER my way, i literally burned every bridge and i have no more drama and god what a relief! Sure boredom sometimes sets in, but that's life. People need the bad to give [ absence-bad ] meaning, i just get a little boredom(prefer it). I am glad something positive came out of this disorder, i will never have children and subject them to the game of life where they eventually end up dead (pre-birth non existence > Life & Death)

There is another way out but you won't get out of it alive;)

ck2d wrote:A lot of therapy - which is hell - and antidepressants.
Mind you, I still have almost no friends IRL, and I'm not in a relationship, and I'm still in a soul-sucking job. But I can reach out now a bit, I have more self-confidence even though I don't believe it yet. Weird, but true.
I don't think I'll ever be a social butterfly. But I've put myself out there and it hasn't killed me. I am not totally isolated anymore. If I wanted to accept help from people, I think I would be able to get it. But I can't accept help very often yet. It's coming along.

Do you mind if I asked you a somewhat personal question? You say you are doing a lot of therapy witch hasnt been easy for you. Does this mean your trying to get rid of some of the grief/sadness/hurt from childhood? If you are I understand that would be very hard pull off , not impossible . But you are trying to access emotions that want to be remain hidden it can be hard to deal with that

Ot: Yes change is possible , however cant get rid of every aspect this disorder has on you . Some of these symptoms will always be present in your life. I have booked some decent results in the past two years nothing ''huge'' but every bit helps. I remember having great anxiety when girls here passing me by, when I had to interact with my neighbors, going out, saying no to other poeple , talking to clerks, being alone at a bar . I was constantly putting myself down , telling myself i was good for nothing , I would never achieve anything

Right now I cant believe I had so much trouble with these events since they now come so naturally to me

New to the forum. Lurking for quite some time. I registered to ofer advice after reading this thread.

I hope this helps. It is an honest and sincere attempt to offer advice. I really hope people might read this and get something positive out of it.

These are the opinions of someone who has dealt with various MH issues(AvPd included) since I was 14, I feel I can offer some advice to all who suffer from AvPd. Yes, there is a way out. I have seen it from some folks in group therapy I atended. I have also advanced a bit in my own struggles with the issue.

A little background. This is not a woe-is-me display of self pity. Nor am I looking for it. I am a mid-40's male. I did not have a nice childhood. I was put up for adoption when I was 5. My mom was a addict and prostitute. I never knew my father. I was sexually abused in an oprhange by a catholic priest. I have no immediate family. Only had one close friend my entire life. Basically, growing up, I was fearful of everyone and everything. Since I can remember, I have been terrified of intimacy, terrified of close relationships, terrified of rejection. I was a complete shut-in. I read books and studied. Wouldn't go out. I eventually sank into extreme agoraphoria and social phobia.

After slashing my wrists at age 14, I was hopsitalized for six months. Medication helped with the depression/anxiety but therapy really didn't start until I turned 18. I wouldn't talk about my problems in detail-even to professionals. I didn't want anyone knowing anything about me. It took a lot of work and uncomfortable therapy. It wasn't until I was 30 that I really opened up to a therapist. I did not attend a group therapy until I was 35. I had trouble dealing with coworkers, let allone talking about my personal stuff with strangers. I have tackled many of the social anxiety issues but still struggle with many of the interpersonal skills and relationships. I still have great difficulty expressing my emotions on a persoanl level. The group therapy helped me the best. I can't tell you how much. I completed college and have a professional posiition for the past 11 years. I was hospitalized once for severe depression during a bipolar phase but other than that have held the same position.

I still am too fearful of people on a personal level to let them in on a close relationship that involves intimacy or trust. I don't know if I ever will. I still keep trying, however because I learned through trial and error that change only comes by tackling things head-on.

What I have learned is this:

I think the younger you are the easier it is to deal with it and move on. You just don't know it when you are young. The longer you wait, the harder it will get. I don't mean this to put pressure on anyone or make them anxious. Don't wait too long to come out of your shell as the older you get, the more ingrained are the negative internalizations you build and it gets to the point you are like me--46, never married, never had a lasting relationship or family, never had any sex life, too fearful of rejection, etc...I know this from my life expericnes.

If I could relive my life knowing what I do now, I would not try to change the way I dealt with things, as I was just using defense mechanisms to cope. I would change WHEN i started to deal with the issues and try to tackle them seriously. You don't want to wait. Please don't. The safe haven and caccoon that you build around yourself becomes your enemy because it strips the will and desire and only reinforces these learned patterns. It becomes totally ingrained in your psyche.

Next comes self-pity, then anger, then self-hatred. These would all consume you. I would sit and brood. Oh woe is me-- I never knew my parents and have never known what it is to have a family--never even hugged anyone. I would play the self-pity game. After a couple suicide attempts(which I think was a show for attention), I learned, again through trial and error, that the anger, rage, and self-pity was getting me nowhere. I let it consume me. It owned me.

I let it fester and rot. I had to learn the hard way that even though we can be dealt a #######5 deck of cards in life, the reality is that life doesnt owe you anything nor does anyone else. Nature does not care. Most others do not care. If a God exists, he/she/it is not going to resuce you. Nobody is going to come to rescue you--don't expect anyone to do so. Despite the hard knocks and bad luck, you are responsibile for your own life. If you want to be alone, you will remain alone and you will die alone. People will give you what you want and leave you alone. This is not a hollywood movie. Endings in the real world are not always happy.

You have to realize this before you take it upon yourself and understand only you can change you. Therapists can't change you. Medication can't can't change you. All the shrinks in the world can't. These things can help you but they WON'T and CAN't change you. Onl YOU can change yourself and you have to want to do it.

These are tough words, I know. SOme will just ignore them. I had heard them many times but I did not want to hear them and it is this advice that I hope you take the most seriously. I knew this was true but I never wanted to admit it. I wanted to be resuced. Someone owed me . God owed me. Others owed me. Life owed me a fair shake, damnit. Well, it took 30 years to figure out I was not going to get one. By that time, I was wallowing in misery and self loathing and though myself beyond reapir. Sad, yes. Painful, yes. But nothing changed until I accepted things for what they are and tried to change.

Get into group therapy with other people who have social/phobia issues. It helped me beyond measure. It may help you as well. Get into some support group around the holidays. Everyone who has these issues knows they can be a very terrible and painful time. You see everyone else enjoying themselves. You see family get togethers, you hear people talking about their gifts and parties. Self pitty sets in and you sIt in bed and cry. Sometimes crying is good, but you soon figure out if you just sit around and cry, you will only wake up with a wet pillow. That's all thats going to happen. The sun comes up and not a thing has changed.

I still suffer these pains on many occasions, especially loneliness. But when it happens, you can still do things to lessen it. Try to get out, even if you are by yourself and not around other. Take a walk. Feed the birds. Get a pet--animals can be nice company, and they don't reject you ! Do ANYTHING but sit around and brood. Cry if you need to. Let it out. But avod extended bouts of self-pity and anger. It will only take you down further and will accomplish nothing.

I know these are tough words. It's not easy and change won't happen overnight. Please don't do as I did. Don't wait. Work at it. Stick with it. I know it is hard. It can be almost unbearably painful at times. But it will eventually start to get better to some degrees and it gets easier with time.

The rule we all know is that life can suck--badly. But we can be proud that those of us who suffer from MH issues have courage many people will never have or never know. We can take any $#%^ that life can throw at us and suck it up, brush ourselves off, and move on the best we can.