Intro, new here.

Hello everyone,

stumbled across these forums recently and am glad I did. You see, I was searching about making friends... because my big problem seems to be I don't make friends past the acquaintance stage. I think that AvPD sounds like the correct diagnosis for me (I do not have a formal diagnosis yet). I do, however, have a formal diagnosis for obsessive compulsive disorder.

OCD has been a monster that has certainly changed my life and affected many aspects of it. I have some extremely absurd obsessions/compulsions and unfortunately it has robbed a lot from me - things like the ability to have friends to my place, because I have certain obsessions/compulsions tied to my home that make this impossible. Despite this, I carry on and push through - do what I need to do to be as "normal" as possible.

Anyway, the more pressing issue for me at this time is my issue with making friends. In elementary I did have lots of friends and was quite social. However, some bullying started late in elementary and by the time junior high school started I was fairly withdrawn from social activity. It was around this time that I also had a very bad episode with anxiety/panic disorder (this runs in my family). This made it extremely difficult to be social. I couldn't go out with friends, because I'd feel sick... and the thought of having food in a social setting made me feel horrible. So, this continued and throughout all of high school I basically didn't make any long standing friends. I have a small close friend circle to this day.

However, I intensely desire more friends, close friendships and even a romantic relationship. To this point I have never had a romantic relationship with a girl.

The best example to explain the issue I face with making friends would be that last year, I started a new job. As is obvious, starting a new job can be an opportunity to meet lots of new people and make friends. Well sure enough, these people were friendly and I became good "work" friends with them. But for me, it always seems to stop there. They're simply acquaintances, at work, not true close friends that you can talk to anytime or hang out with. Now don't get me wrong, I have and still do continually get invited to events. But I can't bring myself to go to them. I'm concerned that I am too far withdrawn from social standards and practices and that I would be incapable of interacting with these people in such an environment. So, naturally, this leads to me stay away from such things and because of that, friendships never grow very far for me. This really depresses me and I continually lament the loss of what could be good close friendships. And I discovered I match another characteristic of AvPD - that is, having trouble accepting criticism/assuming even neutral statements are negative. I feel that if, say for an example, a work friends uses a term of endearment with me and also with someone else, it invalidates its use towards me... things like that. And having OCD I constantly reanalyze situations. Did I say something correctly? How did the other person interpret it? Why? What could I have done differently? ... on and on.

So that's pretty much my story up until now. One day, I hope to be able to make closer friends. I even got an invite for something to do tonight but I just don't think I can bring myself to do it... I worry that even if I do overcome parts of this disorder it will be too late and I won't be able to convert existing "acquaintances" into actual "friends".

Cheers, I look forward to reading more posts here.

Hello VCIP04,

And having OCD I constantly reanalyze situations. Did I say something correctly? How did the other person interpret it? Why? What could I have done differently? ... on and on.

I do not have OCD, but this is something I do too, I think it is a common AvpD trait. I also frequently do extensive mental analysis in advance, almost unconsciously at times, to prepare for a social situation. Other parts of your story are also very familiar to me. Anyway, it's never too late to make a friend, just one can sometimes make all the difference.

Hi VCIP04,

OCD really IS a monster. It's crippling, and it prevents me from getting much done in a day.
I avoid going to sleep because of a complicated bedtime ritual I have to perform. I avoid cleaning...vacuuming, washing my bed, putting away dishes...takes me forever to do the simplest task.
Sometimes I'll just sit in my chair for hours at a time, too fearful and exhausted to move.

And I'm the same way about people. When I'm walking my dogs I'll avoid crowded streets...I can't run the risk of someone saying hi or wanting to pet my dogs, which will mean obsessing over the 60 second interaction for hours and even days afterwards.
Nightmare.

Anyways, glad you found your way to the forums.
Look forward to reading more of your posts.

.

bottles666 wrote:

takes me forever to do the simplest task.

Evol, have you ever tried just changing those complex rituals a tiny bit at a time? One day try to leave out some very small detail of it, but leave the rest alone. Then just live like that for a while, until you get used to it and it becomes the new ritual. Then do it again.

Hi Bottles,
Thanks, that's a good suggestion. I'll give it a try...who knows.
For me, and I'm curious if it's the same for VCIP04, my obsession/compulsions change over time. Some fade away. Others intensify. New ones sprout up all the time.
It's hard to manage, though stress makes it worse.
Thanks again.

Evol222 wrote:

bottles666 wrote:

takes me forever to do the simplest task.

Evol, have you ever tried just changing those complex rituals a tiny bit at a time? One day try to leave out some very small detail of it, but leave the rest alone. Then just live like that for a while, until you get used to it and it becomes the new ritual. Then do it again.

Hi Bottles,
Thanks, that's a good suggestion. I'll give it a try...who knows.
For me, and I'm curious if it's the same for VCIP04, my obsession/compulsions change over time. Some fade away. Others intensify. New ones sprout up all the time.
It's hard to manage, though stress makes it worse.
Thanks again.

Definitely is the same for me too! OCD is very dynamic. Obsessions/compulsions come and go and I find very often I experience "revisions" to my current obsessions/compulsions and these revisions usually mean the compulsion becomes a bit more complicated, and there is no going back to the way it was done before (it simply doesn't "feel" right, or "satisfy" the OCD requirements). At the same time, certain other compulsions seems to fade away entirely.

As for Bottles idea, that sounds like a good suggestion however it is EXTREMELY hard. I know that sometimes, I am able to make tiny exceptions to my "OCD rules" but some things are simply so required that to do otherwise would render me incapable of going out, working, and generally functioning. They simply "must" be completed.

Also I think its interesting how Reynaert said even though he doesn't have OCD, he still experiences those repetitive AvPD thoughts. This explains to me further truly how related all panic/anxiety disorders really are.

Definitely is the same for me too! OCD is very dynamic. Obsessions/compulsions come and go and I find very often I experience "revisions" to my current obsessions/compulsions and these revisions usually mean the compulsion becomes a bit more complicated, and there is no going back to the way it was done before (it simply doesn't "feel" right, or "satisfy" the OCD requirements). At the same time, certain other compulsions seems to fade away entirely.

As for Bottles idea, that sounds like a good suggestion however it is EXTREMELY hard. I know that sometimes, I am able to make tiny exceptions to my "OCD rules" but some things are simply so required that to do otherwise would render me incapable of going out, working, and generally functioning. They simply "must" be completed.

Also I think its interesting how Reynaert said even though he doesn't have OCD, he still experiences those repetitive AvPD thoughts. This explains to me further truly how related all panic/anxiety disorders really are.

Last summer I got into an argument with someone who didn't understand why I couldn't "just stop". I was really frustrated and upset, so I told myself "thats it, I'm doing to do just that. Stop."
I made it an hour before the compulsions crept back in...seeping into my bones.
Once again, despite my best efforts, I'm still stuck in the doorway.

Evol222 wrote:

Definitely is the same for me too! OCD is very dynamic. Obsessions/compulsions come and go and I find very often I experience "revisions" to my current obsessions/compulsions and these revisions usually mean the compulsion becomes a bit more complicated, and there is no going back to the way it was done before (it simply doesn't "feel" right, or "satisfy" the OCD requirements). At the same time, certain other compulsions seems to fade away entirely.

As for Bottles idea, that sounds like a good suggestion however it is EXTREMELY hard. I know that sometimes, I am able to make tiny exceptions to my "OCD rules" but some things are simply so required that to do otherwise would render me incapable of going out, working, and generally functioning. They simply "must" be completed.

Also I think its interesting how Reynaert said even though he doesn't have OCD, he still experiences those repetitive AvPD thoughts. This explains to me further truly how related all panic/anxiety disorders really are.

Last summer I got into an argument with someone who didn't understand why I couldn't "just stop". I was really frustrated and upset, so I told myself "thats it, I'm doing to do just that. Stop."
I made it an hour before the compulsions crept back in...seeping into my bones.
Once again, despite my best efforts, I'm still stuck in the doorway.

Yep, I know that feeling all to well. And have had many arguments about why people with OCD just can't "stop". For everyone else, it just seems so easy to just say stop... and because its so natural to them, they have a really hard time understanding that for those affected, our brain lacks that "switch" that says "alright, enough already!"