the accumulation of sorrow

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The accumulation of sorrow makes sense if the avoidant lifestyle and mindset is not the pursuit of happiness but rather the attempted avoidance of suffering. Suffering is taken as a given, something to be minimized.

The pursuit of happiness comes with it the possibility of failure, and with that suffering. And some things, possibly our greatest desires, what we think may alleviate our suffering, whether they will or not, are believed to be unobtainable, guaranteed failure.

It's the focus on what is to be avoided, rather than the goal, and as a result the lack of positive experiences which come from pursuing happiness and risking failure that explain this continual and building sorrow.

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bottles666 wrote:It seems that for most people, pain waxes and wanes. They have sorrows, joys, good times and bad, but the sorrows fade as they have new experiences....

I believe I know why, and even how to improve it if I wanted to. I did for years. Just don't want to any more. It takes effort, and I've no reason to bother, I guess.

It appears to me that content or non-miserable people have a positive feedback loop going. They do things that give them genuine internal rewards. Those internal rewards create new energy with which to do more things that give more internal rewards. I don't know that most people's pain fades more than yours or mine. Perhaps they accumulate a net positive balance of feelings due to the positive feedback loop.

I used to be seriously stuck. Part, if not all, of what got me unstuck was finally doing things that I really preferred to do without regard to social convention or others' expectations or worries over how it might look, etc. So I began to get real internal rewards. Any prior "achievements" that impressed others really gave me little to no internal rewards, now that I look back on it.

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You are happy or sad based on what you are focused on in the moment. Focus varies widely and may be subconscious. What you are doing in the present at the moment has much effect on what you are thinking. For years the AvPD did not get to me because I was immersed in a hobby and my focus was there. Now that I seem to have no real hobby I am deeply into, I am forced to acknowledge my shortcomings and, perhaps, actually face this AvPD and that takes up much of my thinking time. It turns into a situation where I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Yeah, because I remember how I used to feel. I would wake up and always have some sort of event to look forward to, whether it was that day or later in the week. I would have a direction, a goal, something to look forward to. Now when I wake up I don't really feel as if I have something major to look forward to. I have small hobbies and things I like to do: watch movies, listen to music, read funny anecdotes online, or go on Google Maps and visit various places in the US on streetview and see some sort of cool scenery. But when there is nothing I am thinking of in the moment, even some small joy, I get this default depression. It becomes my job every day to surround myself with as much happiness as I am able. So I listen to music, read funny anecdotes online, or see some beautiful scenery online or in real life. Sometimes these small joys will last throughout the day and when I reflect on them I will be happy. Unfortunately these specific joys largely get wiped out upon going through a period of sleep. Upon waking, that song is no longer in my head, that joke is no longer as funny, that scene is not as beautiful so as to bring me joy. So in the morning I wake up to this default depression again and the cycle continues on.

Positive feedback loop is a great way to term it, green_tea. We all want to surround ourselves with happiness. We all have different ways of doing this. Most of the time it involves interacting directly with other people. Think if I did find that great friend or life partner. Waking up next to them or talking to them every day would be fuel to get me through every day. It's hard to surround yourself with happiness when you find being around people so draining, though. I’ve never been able to be so close to someone as to not grow weary of them after a while. People seem to be getting something from other people that I am not getting. So I get my kicks out of as many AvPD-safe activities as possible. But even this grows harder to achieve as depression deepens.

I believe I know why, and even how to improve it if I wanted to. I did for years. Just don't want to any more. It takes effort, and I've no reason to bother, I guess.

This is a line of thinking I am finding in myself. The fact is, depression affects your very motivation for doing things even if you objectively know they will be better for you. You’d think the prospect of climbing out of depression and feeling good again would be enough of a motivator. The worse you feel, the more motivation you have to try to feel better again, right? Wrong-o, not when you have depression.

clydedenver wrote:You are happy or sad based on what you are focused on in the moment. Focus varies widely and may be subconscious. What you are doing in the present at the moment has much effect on what you are thinking. For years the AvPD did not get to me because I was immersed in a hobby and my focus was there. Now that I seem to have no real hobby I am deeply into, I am forced to acknowledge my shortcomings and, perhaps, actually face this AvPD and that takes up much of my thinking time. It turns into a situation where I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Yeah, because I remember how I used to feel. I would wake up and always have some sort of event to look forward to, whether it was that day or later in the week. I would have a direction, a goal, something to look forward to. Now when I wake up I don't really feel as if I have something major to look forward to. I have small hobbies and things I like to do: watch movies, listen to music, read funny anecdotes online, or go on Google Maps and visit various places in the US on streetview and see some sort of cool scenery. But when there is nothing I am thinking of in the moment, even some small joy, I get this default depression. It becomes my job every day to surround myself with as much happiness as I am able. So I listen to music, read funny anecdotes online, or see some beautiful scenery online or in real life. Sometimes these small joys will last throughout the day and when I reflect on them I will be happy. Unfortunately these specific joys largely get wiped out upon going through a period of sleep. Upon waking, that song is no longer in my head, that joke is no longer as funny, that scene is not as beautiful so as to bring me joy. So in the morning I wake up to this default depression again and the cycle continues on.

I just wanted to quote this because this was unbelievable for me to read. I've been having this same exact problem and came to a realization that it was a big problem. For me it's programming and I've been unable to do it for the last few months or so, despite it being a fun hobby that I enjoyed a lot and was good at and used my creative juices for. But what really clicked for me is you saying the immersion as well as (which is the same with me) not having a real hobby now and since that time my mind has been filled with the avpd thoughts and before my head was clear and partially with thoughts of programming stuff, now it's complete with avpd stuff and I can't seem to think or concentrate well since it's almost as if my brain is full and my thinking process is scrambled now.

Also completely agree with not having anything to look forward to. At school which I hated, I would always look forward to writing a new feature or whatever and it got me through the day. Also agree about depression being the default, I go into work appearing happy but inside all I can think about is avpd stuff and working early in the morning by myself, I often have hours to think which I suppose isn't good.

Just wanted to reply to that bit because although there's been a lot of bits that are dead on with me, I can't believe how dead on that was with what I've been trying to sort through tonight.