my mother

continued
im ice cold and and show no emotions to any1

but the thing is after last xmas i drank the rest of the holiday and smoked until the days rolled into 1 phone was off and things she has done came back to me.
now as i said since then i feel cold and emotionless, but around her i feel almost a deep supressed rage and i really dont want to her to start with me as i very well may snap i mean big time(ive had a few dreams about this and it feels sooooo good) and i feel there will be no salvageing the relationship after that.
but she is on a charm offensive with me atm so ive got this(do i just over exagerate the bad things? ,shes a nice woman) thoughts until she shows her true colours.
im scared to let myself get close to any1 atm coz that question"are you and your mum close" may turn a screw and i dont want to bad mouth her to others.
her affect on my life she is short,';;;;; girls clingy and mouthy(others see her as quiet inocent nice)
i cannot bring myself to fancy short ;;;;; girls, loud mouth girls,clingy girls or even girls who seem too quiet or nice as i feel that is the reel/bait(after the xmas incident my dad nearly broke down and told me his life story he says the thing that atracted him to my mum was he innocent,niceness). the thing is there is girl at work who is into me every body notices her niceness and general smileing deamanor having obserbed her at lenght she is allways smilling and can hold a convo with any1 and her smile is like flu, she even got me at the point i smile when i see her, but theres always the wat if this is just a lure aswell?

i tell ppl i dont want kids(mums says that is wat gays say) they think im joking... no im serious i never wanna be responsible for the pain she has caused me on my child, i spent way to much time with her growing up and since a kid (bunked school to stay with her) that her ways are me now. since xmas ive become one of those synical ppl i , i find myself constantly saying things like " i hate this person or that person" just like her at work i last year i made strides to get on and be polite to my workmates now 1 word answers.
ive become her in a mans body, i feel like i have a monster waiting in the shadows inside me.

She's an emotional parasite, Ck2d. She seems to have done you more harm than your abusive father, because her insidious behavior has somehow kept you around longer, willing to take the abuse and now subjecting your son to the same, making certain that her mania is inflicted on another generation in her family.

real talk
ck2d i know its hard but keep her away from your son and you shes poison, dont be stilltrapped by her rubbish any longer leave her to herself, she doesnt deserve you or him.

panzerfaust wrote: Would you say that you talk to her (about personal things) more than anyone else, save perhaps your son?

Yes. I have no close friends. I have people who think they're my friends who know only the most superficial things about me. I told my oldest friend - who I talk to like twice a year - about my AvPD diagnosis and he was like, "Yeah." Totally made sense to him. But no one else. My therapist knows tons of stuff, but that's not a friendship.

But, the problem is that I can't trust anyone. So I'm totally stuck and screwed. I'm slowly coming to terms with being alone forever - this is no longer a phase.

stilltrapped wrote:do i just over exagerate the bad things? ,shes a nice woman)

I hate it when I get stuck in that train of thought! I seriously start questioning my grip on reality.

stilltrapped wrote:ck2d i know its hard but keep her away from your son and you shes poison, dont be stilltrapped by her rubbish any longer leave her to herself, she doesnt deserve you or him.

If only, if only. I'm really good at being independent, but I just can't be completely alone. I can't survive that way with absolutely no one to call on when I'm in a jam. Yes, the price is steep, but I know what's coming from her. I can predict exactly what's going on. "Nice" people I can't predict, obviously they're going to turn on my somehow, but where and when I don't know, so I obsess about it. It's a very vicious cycle.

But, the problem is that I can't trust anyone. So I'm totally stuck and screwed. I'm slowly coming to terms with being alone forever - this is no longer a phase.

No you're not. You come here and write and expose your innermost feelings that you wouldn't divulge to anyone other than your T. You're not alone. There are kindred spirits here.

The problem is not entirely within you. You have lived with a PD (mother) all your life. You've adopted behaviors in order to survive an impossible situation but have remained grounded enough to know it's not right. You w/couldn't run away so you did the next best thing and retreated within yourself and erected an emotional wall to keep out all influences, including those that might help. You won't let anyone in unless they know the password, the only thing is, you too forgot what the password is, so it's safer to just keep everyone out.

but I just can't be completely alone. I can't survive that way with absolutely no one to call on when I'm in a jam. Yes, the price is steep, but I know what's coming from her. I can predict exactly what's going on.

I know. But it still wears away at your veneer of control over time. You can't trust anyone to make a good decision for you because those whose duty it was to do so just screwed you instead. Why should you trust anyone? Where were they when you needed them? In the magical-thinking world of a child, you perhaps thought: "Why won't someone save me? What have I done to deserve this? Can't I be loved like others appear to be? Someone please help." And no one came... so you remained painfully alone in the recesses of your mind building emotional walls to keep out harm and hopefully keep you from going mad in your isolation with only your mother as a form of inhuman contact.

She's done you greater harm than if you were physically beaten. You can run away from a physical beating, but how do you run away from her when she's there even when she's not. She's in your head constantly harping at what you've done wrong and continue to do wrong. She'll be there forever, unto death and beyond because you've internalized her so completely. Because you feel there's a major "inability" in you life (opening up to others), it feeds into the credence of the negativity she spews about you and gives her ammo to spew more and the cycle continues to her delight.

This will never end until her influence ends. The only way her influence will end is if it's replaced by positive influences from people who honestly care and that you can learn to trust over time. Trust is not a lightswitch you can turn on. There shouldn't be any expectations that you will trust implicitly at first exposure, especially in your case. Outsiders have to earn it. But at the same time you have to allow them to. People can be selfish, yes. And they can be heartless, I know. But there are good people who honestly care and would offer to help, even in the smallest way. And that's where you need to start, allowing help from the outside in small ways, all the while building on those experiences until you feel you can open up, ever so slightly. You don't have to be alone. But you do have to be intelligent, insightful and especially, brave to take the first uneasy steps to a better existence. You won't necessarily break your ankle when you set foot on the ground.

In theory, that's great. But all relationships are give and take, and I'm so drained I have nothing to give. I have to protect myself. It's all I can do to keep my head above water. It's a disorder when it greatly impacts your life. Well, it's impacting my life all right. I have backed myself into a corner. I have nothing left to give, so I can't get into a relationship of any sort with anyone. I'm exhausted and drained, and everything I do to try to break out of this cycle is exponentially more draining than it is reviving. It's too late.

But all relationships are give and take

But not always simultaneously. Sometimes one person needs most of the take while the supporting person does a lot of the giving. In a good relationship, the roles should be able to reverse when needed.

I have nothing left to give, so I can't get into a relationship of any sort with anyone.

Understood. But you can extend yourself towards on-line support groups on your own time/availability. It's a small step in the right direction without becoming overly-invested

I'm exhausted and drained, and everything I do to try to break out of this cycle is exponentially more draining than it is reviving.

Of course you are. Defenses this rigid are very draining. You're being stretched ever-farther with no apparent help in sight. Maybe you're not looking in the right places.

It's too late.

I've thought that too and it brought me to some dark places I don't ever want to go back to. Subjectivity can be a powerful deterrent to improvement and I had no one to talk to to bounce ideas off of and do reality testing with. I don't know how I managed to stop the drain, I just remember focusing on what needed to get done... get my kids to a better place in life and then I'd decide what to do with/to myself. It was (just) enough to get past the darkness. I'm still a work in progress, with the emphasis on progress... slow and imperceptible, but there nonetheless.

So from what I'm collecting on this site, AvPD seems to basically be one possible outcome response to abusive parenting / authoritative guidance. The person appears to need to be both suppressed somehow and either physically abused and/or emotionally undermined. So then when said person goes out into the world, they're so damaged that nothing goes right socially and everything is just generally such a miserable experience for them that from there it's simply a downward spiral until they find an outlet which helps them to correct it.