my mother

She's such a darling - she's decided to go after my son.

My car has been in the shop and my son's on vacation, and since my mother live within walking distance to my job, we temporarily moved in with my mother. She wanted my son to take a bath - I say he's on vaca, who cares if he takes a bath, but I'm just his mother, so what I think doesn't amount to a hill of beans. She told him she would put his beloved cat out on the street! When she told me about it, I told her that was a mean thing to say. She said, she didn't care, she would say whatever it took to get him to do what she wanted him to. !!!!! Then she laughed it off and said he knew she didn't mean it. And when I said anything else she literally screamed at me, trying to drown me out.

Oh, and for all of you thinking the clearly logical step I should do next is cut her out of my life, she's already told me she will sue me for grandparents rights and call DHHS with trumped up charges to have them take custody away from me.

I'm so mad I could spit. If she thinks I'm a piece of crap that she can manipulate however she wants to, well, my self-esteem is low enough that I think I must deserve it. But I'll be damned if she's going to do it to my son, too. I'm swamped trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. There's no way my mother's going to change - I've seen her in action, she'll just dig in her heels and be even more hateful.

And there's a question as to where I picked up this AvPD from? Hmm, I wonder...

ok lol i always think kids should be taught a habit of cleanly ness but. its nothing to do with your mum

all those points other than the bath issue you wrote are why ive promised my children(if i ever have any) will never have anything more than flying visits litterally hi gran ma bye gran ma.
my mum is a reason im avoident and she hasnt changed much from when i was a child shes got worse

She said, she didn't care, she would say whatever it took to get him to do what she wanted him to. !!!!! Then she laughed it off and said he knew she didn't mean it. And when I said anything else she literally screamed at me, trying to drown me out.

that is my mum to the letter if you react to them, as you will, you are overacting if your quiet she feels she has won.

tbh ive had to calmly put her in her place when she gets leary now she doesnt much try it with me anymore and tho she doesnt know it she is on her last chance with me (after last xmas she tried to emotionally blackmail me in the worst way possible) after that ive seen shes poison/toxic and tho it was hard at 1st i realise ppl like this need no place or at least a very minimal place in my life. im 25 in just over a month and have little time for idiots or smile faced bullys (bullys who emotianaly bully you sometimes without you noticing)

my brother is 23 and has 2 kids who hardly ever come round and are never left with her long enough for her to do anything but be nice. his baby daughter is ill(maybe disabled) and the his gf seems in denial but is coping my mum feels the need to constantly remind her,question her,even accuses her of lying or exagerating the babys condition and basically calls her a bad mother and even had the audacity say the baby looks weird.(the babys mum is like nope shes ok) but my mums just on her with unhelpfull comments.

ck2d just play her at her own game keep her on a hi,bye role for a while but dont show or act like theres a problem, be unavaliable
and she will miss you and your son. if she starts dont get worked up just increase the distance (answer calls be polite but seem busy)

parents need to realise our love and our childrens love is a priveledge not a right

good luck

she's already told me she will sue me for grandparents rights and call DHHS with trumped up charges to have them take custody away from me.

What a ****ing b!tch! Sorry, that's the nicest thing I could say.

I'm so mad I could spit. If she thinks I'm a piece of crap that she can manipulate however she wants to, well, my self-esteem is low enough that I think I must deserve it. But I'll be damned if she's going to do it to my son, too.

I would be too. Use the anger. Realize that no one, not even you in your depths of ego implosion should be subjected to this type of abuse. What you feel she has done to you she can very well do to your son... if she's allowed to.

When can you get the car out of the shop?

Oh, my son and I are back home, got the car, gonna buy a new one soon. My mother still has my son's cat, though.

stilltrapped wrote:ok lol i always think kids should be taught a habit of cleanly ness

He's not filthy - a quick wash of the face and hands and skip the bath one night is not going to kill the kid.

stilltrapped wrote:that is my mum to the letter if you react to them, as you will, you are overacting if your quiet she feels she has won.

That's why she's going after my kid. She's burned me out. She can't get a raise out of me anymore - unless she goes after my son. And she knows his Achilles heel is his cat. It's absolutely disgusting. And everything she says to him, she turns it around on me. For example, one of my son's worst habits is when he picks up the cat he grabs hold of his skin (like a cat handle). He's gotten plenty of scratches for that trick, but he hasn't quite gotten it through his skull not to do it, especially since about 90% of the time the cat doesn't care. My mother saw him do it and rushed at him yelling she was going to pick him up by the skin of his back if he didn't let go of the cat immediately. Which of course, I freaked out about. Later I saw him grab the cat, and I told him to think about how that would feel for the cat to have his skin pulled. My mother lit up like a firecracker, telling me I said the same thing she said, and I was horrible, and she was going to report me. It was quite the scene. My mother always says two things that in my mind are opposite are the same. Drives me nuts. I thought I was literally nuts, until I got some empirical data to prove absolutely that my assessment was right and her's was wrong. When I confronted her, her response - "Why would you do something like that?" I was a horrible person for finding proof that she was wrong. And she refused to listen to one more word, of course. She yells at me, threatens me, sometimes even hits me, hangs the phone up on me daily - but if she can't reach me on the phone, she will physically hunt me down. She says she's worried I might actually kill myself. Ha, ha. She just wants to control me. I would have to move thousands of miles away, preferably to a different country, to get rid of her. When my doctor told me I couldn't travel because I was pregnant, she sold her house and showed up at my house, moved herself in, without giving me notice the week after. No joke. The only way I could get out from under her thumb, and it's so awful to even think it, is if she died. Which she thinks is a great topic of conversation. Good for inciting sympathy. Her newest trick is that she wants to donate her body to science. And she has a bag - hundreds - of pills she's saved up for years for when she decides she's going to commit suicide. She's just a wonderful mom. Ugh, so annoying. I have a cousin who's a drug addict, in and out of jail a few times a year, stole her car and totaled it. He shows up at her house about once a week and she gives him money. When I'm at her house if I eat a 10 cent egg she freaks out and tells me I'm so selfish to steal from an old woman - this is after she told me to eat something because she's afraid I'll lose too much weight and look better than her. Mind you, she's almost 70.

Anyway, sorry for the little rant. My apologies if you waded through all that.

I thought I was literally nuts, until I got some empirical data to prove absolutely that my assessment was right and her's was wrong. When I confronted her, her response - "Why would you do something like that?" I was a horrible person for finding proof that she was wrong.

Some folks have a talent for making you question your sanity. Because you may not have had good opportunities to reality test by bouncing ideas and thoughts off others (due to AvPD mostly), you've been limited in your exposure to the thought processes of a person who is not functioning correctly (ie, your mom and her reflection inside you).

The only way I could get out from under her thumb, and it's so awful to even think it, is if she died.

It's called self-preservation. It's instinctive. "Better her than me". Don't beat yourself up over it.

Your mom is over the top. You've been reduced to an action figure that's also her emotional punching bag. Yet I still get a sense from your posts that however imperceptible, something inside you tells you it's rightfully your cross to bear simply because you're her daughter. You shouldn't, and neither should your son, whom she is treating as a proxy in her losing struggle to maintain control over you.

I'm sorry you and your son are being put through the mill by someone whom you should be able to count on for support.

Thank you for understanding.

And it is exactly as you said - because I'm her daughter, I have to take whatever she throws at me, and take it gratefully. It's the same thing with my father, but he's more violent, so even though he lives right up the street I barely have any contact with him. My mother's parents were missionaries and would leave their 5 teenagers home alone for weeks, so she thinks that just being around, no matter how horrible, is a step up. But what's really frustrating is that she's so nice and would do anything for anyone else. The only way she can do that is by dumping all her frustrations on me. That's why she needs to have me around - she loves to fight (5 teenaged siblings left to their own devices - that feels like home to her) and if I'm not there to fight with, she'll snap and fight with one of her friends and lose her reputation as a sweetheart. She will literally be talking to someone, dripping sweetness, rolling her eyes every five seconds, shake her fist at the phone after she hangs up, and then immediately launch into me. As far as she's concerned, that's my purpose of existing, for her to diffuse her anger. Her purpose is to "mother" me and my son by telling us how wrong everything we do is. She's so frustrating - she will argue a point, and finally she'll beat me down and I'll agree to whatever asinine thing she's saying, and as soon as I do, she'll flip it and start arguing my point. And she swears she never flipped her position. Crazy.

No thanks necessary. I'm sorry that your reality is this emotionally taxing.

because I'm her daughter, I have to take whatever she throws at me, and take it gratefully.

Is it truly you saying that or is it her voice inside your head droning on and eliciting guilt if you don't acceed to her wishes?

she's so nice and would do anything for anyone else. The only way she can do that is by dumping all her frustrations on me.

And after years of that type of behavior, where others are seemingly more important to her than her own daughter, have you internalized the unspoken message that behavior tells you? You'd have to be superhuman not to.

that's my purpose of existing, for her to diffuse her anger. Her purpose is to "mother" me and my son by telling us how wrong everything we do is.

But do you believe it? My guess is that you don't. It doesn't mean that it's not painful to hear. It's one thing when someone you have no stake in says something hurtful, you can brush it off, but when it comes from a supposed loved one, there's always the lingering bit of doubt that they might be right... after all, she's supposed to love you. You may think that maybe she doesn't because what she says is true? You spend a good part of your life trying to disprove it and gain acceptance, and it's still not good enough. Because to her, you're just a handy target to put down in order to elevate herself. She doesn't have to do any work to be a better person, all she has to do is point at you in comparison and read off a litany of everything you do wrong and by contrast, she's superior. She cannot be a mother to you the way you should expect her to be. She has no capacity for it. To her you are simply a useful object to be manipulated at will.

She's an emotional parasite, Ck2d. She seems to have done you more harm than your abusive father, because her insidious behavior has somehow kept you around longer, willing to take the abuse and now subjecting your son to the same, making certain that her mania is inflicted on another generation in her family.

Crazy.

Yes she is. But you're not. Far from it as evidenced by what and how you write. The damage has been done... but it doesn't mean it can't be undone. Sadly, it's the legacy that your grandparents left behind with your mother being a willing perpetuator.

That's why I'm in therapy. No matter how much I know I'm better than what she says, her image of me is what feels "right."

At first I thought it was ridiculous that AvPD was due to parenting. I was trying to protect her. She did keep me alive when I was growing up, after all. But every step I take, I keep comparing it to how she reacts to me. I could never trust someone, or ask for their help, or depend on them, because if the person I'm supposed to trust most - my mother - treats me like that, everyone else will treat me worse. It's just logical.

So, I've got to somehow really recognize that my mother's image of me is cracked, and stop thinking logically. No one would get out of bed if they realized "logically" that they could break their ankle with their first step. But that thinking is the only think that's kept me from crumbling under my mother's pressure. It's so difficult to wrap my head around...

i see a patern why we all here now

Which she thinks is a great topic of conversation. Good for inciting sympathy. Her newest trick is that she wants to donate her body to science. And she has a bag - hundreds - of pills she's saved up for years for when she decides she's going to commit suicide.

this has been my mum for all i remeber her she
.takes alot of pills for numourous sicknesses, has been known to have a argument and say to someone where is my pill box before locking herself away for hours.
.constantly talks and has talked about dying and her funeral shes early 40s ffs,
.as children we would wake and find long notes(i love you guys so much but im sorry.....) type of things
.when i was like 10 she would burst in(before routine hospital appointments) and give me like a gold watch and say things like (look after this for me) for how long?(soon u will understand) before walking out leaving me confused, anxious always on edge
.like i said last xmas she was in hospital her and my dad had a minor disagrement = to red vs blue which she tturned into world war 3 and then took it 2 the extreme on separate occasions with my dad and then me, and then had the audacity a few days latter when all was well and she was out of hospital to say to her friend(my sis and the friend told me) something like i will show you how to keep the men in your life at your feet(she obviously was refering to the incident.she was laughing sayin they were like little girls)
after that incident ive developed a cold icy persona towards every1 the thing is most of the other stuff was years ago and i thought she grew out of it but this proves shes never gonna change.
i have 2 young sisters my mum is jealous of them hates there clothes,friends,the fact they are so close(she used to play me and my bros against each other) the older is a nice girl(pretty) but very whats the word, she takes every thing her peers say as a challenge so i can see her having probs latter in life due to her needing to keep up with friends, my mum is brutal to her and has been her whole life, i fear waht happens in the next few years shes (18 next year).



continued

No matter how much I know I'm better than what she says, her image of me is what feels "right."

Because it's the only image you've known all your life. There's comfort in familiarity, despite the pain. You know what to expect and you have a practiced response to it. You survived another day, a bit more frayed at the edges, but alive.

She did keep me alive when I was growing up, after all.

Ck2d, that was her job, just as it's yours to keep your son alive. But wouldn't you agree that it doesn't end there? Other needs need to be fulfilled. Simply providing food and shelter for sustenance feeds and protects the body. What of the mind and heart, or soul, if you will? A parent has a responsibility to provide for that. Your mother's appalling lack of provision for that in your life is evident.

I could never trust someone, or ask for their help, or depend on them, because if the person I'm supposed to trust most - my mother - treats me like that, everyone else will treat me worse. It's just logical.

It's logical if your mother were truly a nurturing individual. She wasn't, therefore the rule doesn't apply

So, I've got to somehow really recognize that my mother's image of me is cracked, and stop thinking logically.

And your image of her? Isn't that a bit skewed also? Is it perhaps you feel a sense of obligation to her for what you feel she protected you from (father perhaps). But what have you been through since then at her hands and what has it done to you? You were done paying her back the moment she started abusing you in her own fashion. Don't keep paying for a debt you don't owe.

It's so difficult to wrap my head around...

It won't get any easier while she's allowed to influence your life, and it's difficult to escape because it's all you've ever known. Would you say that you talk to her (about personal things) more than anyone else, save perhaps your son?