My issues...

Hi everyone,

Before I start telling my story, I'd like to apologize if the language in this entry is not very good; I'm not a native speaker of English.

Now, let's get down to business:
I'm a 22-year-old woman and for a long time now,I have had quite a lot of problems regarding myself and my behaviour in social situations. Therefore I feel an urgent need to write down my thoughts somewhere. I haven't been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, but I have come to realize that some of the diagnostic criteria definitely apply to me...

I wouldn't say that I'm shy. I just don't want to be in the way of people and I constantly have a feeling that other people find me annoying and that they say nasty things about me behind my back. Therefore I distance myself from people. In the classroom (I'm a university student), I always hide at the back of the room and I never say anything unless the teacher specifically ask me to give an answer to one of his/her questions. I fear reading texts out loud/doing presentations, because I often get so nervous that my voice trembles and my face reddens. Even though we're always very few students in the courses I do, I hardly ever talk to anyone and I can't say I know any of my fellow students. Most of the other students are friends with each other and they always do things together outside lecturing time... I mostly spend my evenings at home, studying. My studies basically mean everything to me and therefore I also have very good grades. If I 'fail' (meaning not getting the highest grade) in an exam, my world falls apart. I'm a disgusting person and no one likes me... therefore, I at least want to do well in my exams.

I have very few friends and I've never had a boyfriend. It's only around my closest friends and my family that I truly feel comfortable. Sometimes I suspect that not even my best friend likes me. If one of my friends ask me to go with him/her to a party or to the movies or some other place where there will be other people than just me and my friends, I usually make up some silly excuse for not going. I'm extremely afraid of trying out new things, because I'm sure I'd just make a fool of myself. This is also why I hate role-playing etc. in class. I have no self-confidence whatsoever. I can't handle critique and quite frequently I interpret completely neutral comments as being negative critique aimed at me instead... I also constantly fear that my professors dislike me and that they think I'm stupid; I have several times felt that the teachers 'like' me less than all the other students and that they behave differently and in a much more distanced way towards me than towards anyone else. If I give an incorrect answer in a lecture, I can go on thinking about it (and hating myself for it!) for days ('How can anyone be so stupid? Why did I say that, when I should've said xxx instead?!'). Most of my memories from school involve me saying/doing something utterly stupid...

Every night before I finally fall asleep, I daydream. I know this sounds very odd, but I often have daydreams in which I am really sad and someone that I admire turns up and hugs me and comforts me. To be honest, I love these dreams... I constantly dream about physical contact, but when someone actually DOES hug me, in real life and not just in my dreams, I can't return the hug in a 'proper way'. I just try to get out of the situation as fast as I can... What's up with that really?


This was just a short (ehm, or perhaps not so short...) summary of my problems. So - what do you think? Am I weird or am I weird? I know I should probably go talk to a psychologist or something, but nevertheless - do you think I might have a personality disorder?

Based off your description of your symptoms, yes you may have a personality disorder, although I’m no expert.
But still, even if you don’t, it sounds like your symptoms get in the way of your life, and that going to see a therapist could be helpful.

And those daydreams are not odd at all, most of the people who post on this forum daydream constantly.
I have the exact same kind of day dreams you do, I dream that someone would care enough about me to try to help me, comfort me, but if any one tries in real life, I freak out and avoid them, and then hate myself for ignoring them.

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Of course no one here can diagnose you for sure, but I relate to every single word you typed--feeling that people secretly don't like me, basing my self-worth on my high grades (and subsequently acting like it's the end of the world if I don't do well on an assignment), most memories being centered around dwelling on something "stupid" I did, longing for affection yet not responding well to it in real life, etc. I haven't been diagnosed either. The more you read on this forum, you'll see you're definitely not alone. I hope writing about your experiences here will bring you some relief.

Sounds a lot like me. You very well could have AvPD, but im not an expert. I daydream a lot too, except they usually are pretty messed up.