I need 2 kno whether n e 1 else has felt dis way plz do tell

Hey all.
I believe I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but I have my doubts. I don't really know if the kinds of symptoms or thoughts I have are because I have AvPD, or because I might have some other problem. I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me. I just want to know if anyone can relate to the things that I go through and the thoughts that I have so that I'll know if I have any reason to believe I may have AvPD or not; especially because I feel like my symptoms are unique and I haven’t really seen anyone on these boards post similar experiences. I have seen a doc but he says he doesn't think I have AvPD because he said people with that disorder have had social problems their whole life but he does admit I do have avoidant tendencies. I want to see a different doc because in my heart I feel like I have this disorder.

So basically, I have trouble talking to people. I feel extremely uncomfortable around people and feel as though they don't want to listen to me or I feel like I am making them uncomfortable. I feel like they kind of see me as a loser and in their minds they are going "yeah yeah whatever can u hurry the eff up cause I don't care". A lot of times I feel like people are being rude to me, no matter how many times they smile and say nice things. Or, I feel like they think I’m being rude to them and that I’m this cold mean person. It’s so hard for me to be friendly, smile, and be all warm and nice to people and try and make some kind of connection like that. Like, I just feel like I don’t care about other people and I don’t care to be nice to them either.
I don’t have any self-image issues though. I am very proud and happy with who I am and I am very confident in myself in that I feel like I am a wonderful person. Sometimes I am overly confident. BUT, when I begin to talk to people, I feel like they are not seeing what I am seeing and they are thinking they are better than me and giving me attitude or rolling their eyes at me when they really aren’t. Like, when I’m in a crowded place with people I’m fine, and I often feel like people are checking me out because they think I’m hot, but that’s only when I am not talking to others. The minute I start talking to a person I automatically feel like they are judging me and that they think of me as a cold, mean, rude, unfriendly person. That is always my biggest fear talking to people is that I feel like it’s so hard for me to be warm that they are going to think I’m being really cold and indifferent to them when inside I really just want to feel a nice and genuine connection with someone.
Like, every time I smile at someone, it’s just an act, in my head I’m thinking, “dumb bitch”. It doesn’t matter who it is, people I don’t know or people I know, I just find it so hard to feel close to people and I don’t know why I keep having these mean thoughts in my head when I don’t really want to be like that.
It’s so much easier for me to be rude to people but I try so hard to be nice and make the other person feel like I really care or am a kind person, so I always stress myself out constantly trying to do things to prove to the other person that I am a kind and loving and funny and awesome person. Everything I do has to do with trying to prove to them that I am a person they would love to talk to and hang out with; whether it’s constantly smiling, maintaining eye contact, or saying really really nice things. I can’t ever just relax and feel normal around others. There is always that stress and discomfort (a lot of discomfort) and because it’s so much easier for me to be rude, I have no problem telling people off, putting people in their place, or calling someone out if they did something wrong. BUT, when it comes to someone else telling me they need to talk to me about something I get all scared and anxious because I’m afraid what they are going to say is going to be about something I did wrong or they are going to criticize me. I desperately feel the need to be accepted and respected and my biggest fear is that they think I am not worthy of their time. I feel like I am always going to be the person who everyone else in the group does not want to be there with them. Sometimes I just don’t care anymore of trying to get them to like me anymore if I feel like it is too hard to make them like me and I just give up and say, “fk ‘em, I don’t need that person in my life” and this just puts me in a constant cycle of being alone and stuck at home all day not talking to anyone but my family. I just feel like nobody will truly like me or want to be my friend.

So if any of you can relate to any of my experiences please let me know. I just can’t believe that I wouldn’t have this disorder and I need some proof or reason to believe that I have this disorder to see another doc.

You can always get another opinion from another therapist. Whet does this one say you have? It sounds like you may have some elements of paranoid personality disorder. Or borderline personality disorder.

From what you said, I have a hard time believing that you don't have any self-image issues. It seems like your self-image is stable when you're by yourself. But, when other people are present, they are a threat to your ego. Your response to that doesn't sound like AvPD, where you would tend to crumble under feelings of inferiority. Rather, it sounds like you go into a schema where you feel superior to those around you to protect yourself. I think that's where you get the feelings that you're saying things or coming across as different than what you intend. Now, that's not to say that you don't have AvPD. But, your defense strategies seem more in line with Compensatory NPD, which itself includes avoidant traits. That would be worth a look, and might be what the doc was getting at by saying you have traits but not the full-blown personality disorder. Best of luck!

m1norityofone984 wrote: Rather, it sounds like you go into a schema where you feel superior to those around you to protect yourself. I think that's where you get the feelings that you're saying things or coming across as different than what you intend. Now, that's not to say that you don't have AvPD. But, your defense strategies seem more in line with Compensatory NPD

Yes. The compensatory NPD sounds like it's very possible.

Thank You all for your Replies.
I read up on personality disorders alot at Barnes and Noble and I am glad I finally understand what I am going through.
I am very convinced I have Paranoid personality disorder with some narcassistic tendencies. Everything with PPD fits me so perfectly its disgusting.
I realize I have problems with people because of my paranoia which always makes me feel like I'm being attacked or people are being hostile when they really aren't trying to be and if I feel like they don't respect me or they think they are better than me I don't like them and don't want to be nice to them. Because I notice I am more comfortable around people who are afraid of me or people I can control, which makes me sound so disgusting of a person, but thats the honest truth and that's a problem I hope to work on and fix later one
Thanks again y'alll!!