Living with this.

I am not so great with sharing and opening up, especially on a message board with total strangers but I figure if anyone could actually understand the stuff I go through, it would be other people dealing with it. Funny how it's almost a contradiction in itself. Anyway, I guess I just figured I would see what other people have done after reading a few topics of people coming out with this disorder.

About um, I want to say a year or so ago, I came across a social anxiety forum. I always felt so shy, avoiding eye contact with people as if my life depended on it. Then I met my current girlfriend who suffered damn near the same thing with subtle differences. It was around then I started really looking into stuff further. We talked about this and discussed it and all that nonsense, which was around the time I decided to see a doctor. My doctor is the nicest, down to earth, real person I probably ever have met, so talking to him was the easiest over anyone else really.

After talking to him, he diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder [Bear with me, as at the time, I was mainly exploring that, but now convinced it is either this and that, or solely this] and put me on a prescription, also advising that I seek therapy.

Now, before I continue with that, allow me to explain my situation here. Currently I am 21 years old, unemployed for the obvious reason, and have no car nor license. This means I would have to rely on family and my family is not a reliable one. My brother is in health care so he is constantly gone, my mother...she is well, putting it nicely is she has to know everything, plus she claims to have gone through this yet shows no support, I need to give my act together pretty much. Because of that, I cannot get to therapy. So most of my time is spent sitting in my room, I haven't gone out in probably since Christmas for a family thing and before that, probably at least three weeks.

Back on track now though. Since the therapy was not an option, I started taking the prescription. Personally...I felt it do nothing. I felt no better, no worse, just more groggy than usual. Shortly after, I developed a kidney stone and was rushed to the hospital. Since then, I have not taken it and am terrified of getting another one. Everyone acts like I need to stop worrying and all that, but I am so scared that the slightest pain has me stressed out of my mind.

Then the whole job issue is that I want to get a job, I want to have money, I want a life, but when the time comes, it feels like ten thousands arms wrap around me and hold me down, preventing me. If I somehow overcome that feeling, then the feeling of anxiety blows up and I nearly pass out just trying to ask for an application.

Because of all these issues, I have really nobody close to me other than my girlfriend. The only reason I do feel comfortable around her is she not constantly criticizing me for my choices, or how I am living. I can tell she has moments of jealousy, now that she is working [which I believe she is not severe as I am] but there is never criticism shared between each other. Since I am forced at home, I decided to take up a hobby, or passion that I always dreamed of doing. Writing. I have a very vivid imagination and writing is somewhat therapeutic.

Now when I actually start though, I find myself getting to a point and blocking, not mentally, but my work suffers from it. It goes from perfect to downright horrible, so bad that I am incapable of fixing it. On the off chance I show someone too, any remark that something could be better and I feel like crawling into bed and never waking up again. That is not be construed as suicide either. I simply mean I do not want to face the world anymore since it seems impossible to please even myself.

It's around then I find myself going through this cycle, where I get excited to write something new, I fail, and I start imagining all these possible things that can go wrong, small things. It could be that I might get a kidney stone, nobody will be home, and I will be forced to go through that pain all over again. My phone would be out of reach. I would be tossing and turning.

It's getting to the point now where I wake up and I feel miserable all the time. This is not fair to my girlfriend, not fair to my family, not fair to me, not fair to anyone. The worst part is I know all of this is just a simple issue in my head. I mean it is now getting to the point where I avoid any confrontation when possible, even over small things. If my friend says something totally immature and rude, and note that I seem him maybe once in a blue moon, I scream in my head to want to tell him off, but even the thought of confrontation makes me shut down.

I guess the point of all this is to ask, what can be done? Am I just really that damn crazy, or is there other people who go through this procedure every day of their life too? What are considerable options that actually might provide someone like me with a normal life, given my ways around.

Hi,

It's sad for me to read about how low you seem to think of yourself, because I was at that point too once and know what it's like. You're not in any way worthless though - certainly not - and you have lots of potential left in you that is waiting to be utilised. From the point you're at, you'll have to find something to do to occupy your time, but please don't ever give in to the 'do nothing' scenario. People like yuo and I need to be kept busy because we have high work-ethics. You mentined writing, and that's something good to do. i was around your age when i first started to write a lot too, and I have since written 60+ love poems, short stories, and managed to get two articles printed in national newspapers back home (in Ireland). So, find the right conditions that allow your creative mind to be at its best. I found that the night-time was usually the best.

As to where you are going in life long term, well, that's something you'll have to consider. Again, don't do the 'do nothing' scenario. You must think actively about where you're going. One good starting point is to consider what interests you - i.e. what can you see yourself being happy doing in your life?

Kevin

I understand you because I feel the same way too.
Try to be active. I know it is a hard part to leave your bed but it will be better for your mind and body.

And look around you. Maybe there is someone who needs help. Helping others can clear yourself up. When I talk to someone who needs support – it makes me feel better.