Just to say hi

I really don't know why I'm trying this whole reaching out thing again. Everytime I do, I just get freaked out at some point, give up again, and retreat back into my solitude. But, maybe this time will be different. Though I could just be banging my head against a wall.

I know I definitely have avoidant tendancies, even if I don't really have AvPD. I have no current desire to go to any sort of therapy. The thought terrifies me. Also, I don't currently have much trust in therapists in general. There's issues behind that.

I guess I just wanted to try to express myself somehow. I know I can't do it in person with talking, so maybe writing something... Actually, I feel like I can express myself better in writing. It's the to another person I have problems with. But everything I read on here...it's not a connection that I feel really...it's more like it sounds familiar. Like maybe you could understand how I feel. I feel scared out of my mind to post this, but hopefully someone gets that and won't judge me. I know later that I'll read any responses to this post and analyze them way too much, but just pulling something out of myself and presenting it to another human being, I feel...better? Accomplished? Like I'm not such a sad excuse for a person?

And even if I never post here again, I just wanted to say thanks for being here. I read some posts and even though I must admit, I felt horrible and guilty because there are people out there dealing with way more crap than I am, I'm grateful that I'm not the only one who feels so lonely. So thanks to all of you.

And hopefully, this will be only the first post, not the last.

Hey,

Well, it certainly seems that 'reaching out' is what you're doing here, and here I am to say 'hello' and to grab hold of your hand. I think what you want to find here is those you can relate to, and I assure you that there are lots. You'll also find lots in the social anxiety and Asperger's syndrome forums here. I don't quite know what more to say... ...What are you doing in your life right now?

Kevin

Well,
I have a part time job at a library. It's nice. I really love to read. Always have. There's the whole escaping into a fantasy deal, but there's also something so appealing about books in and of themselves. I like books. They're tactile and unchanging. Constant. Elizabeth Bennet always ends up with Mr. Darcy, the One Ring is always destroyed, Nancy Drew always solves the mystery. And so on and so forth.

Surprisingly, I'm much more socially interactive while working. I like helping patrons find the books they want to read. Very fulfilling when someone leaves the library satisfied. But I know how those interactions work. I know the script and have it memorized, if you will. And that gives me the confidence to do that.

I recently began teaching a Sunday School class at church. Teenagers. Don't ask me why I agreed to do that. Fortunately, I tag team teach with another lady, so I don't have to teach every Sunday. It can be very difficult, especially when I haven't prepared what to say well enough. Those days I flee to the parking lot right after my class, with my tail between my legs.

Other than work and church, though, I don't really venture much outside the house. I was better before last year, before I graduated from college. I hung out with my roommates and did stuff. Since moving back home, though, my social life has gone kaputz.

I've always felt rather disconnected from people. I wanted to connect, but just...couldn't get it right. I have known some really really great, wonderful people. But my relationships with them are so superficial. I feel so incapable of anything deeper. And I feel so guilty after I let what little relationship there is just slide away. I'm so frustrated with myself.

My first draft of my intro post was much much longer and far more emotionally loaded than what I ended up posting. I guess writing out my feelings, as difficult as it is to put them into words, is helpful, because I felt so much better after I wrote it. Then I ended up posting something completely different. I feel frustrated though, because I can never express all those emotions to someone else. It's like I turn off emotionally when I'm around other people. Well, maybe not so much turn off, but more like put my deflector shields up. And those shields never ever come down in the presence of another person. No one. No family member, no friend, no medical professional. Everything I have ever felt is contained within those shields, but is never able to come out. Very frustrating. Ugh, I have such bad bad trust issues.

Your last paragraph just now s interesting, as indeed is the remainder of your post. You should be proud of your interests and proud of what you've acieved in your life. This (or 'these') shields that you see in your life shuld be lowever though, and you should (please) try to be more open about your feelings and how you interpret/see the world. It is only now that I am sharing how I view the world with people, and it is both therapeutic and is strengthening bonds between mysef and those with whom I speak to (and I'm now 26 years old).

Kevin

Hi. I'm glad you're here. I hope you post more. You seem to be an interesting and thoughtful person.

I have dealt with avoidant and social anxiety issues for my whole life. I hope it gives you encouragement for me to tell you that I am now 47 and have come very far with my difficulties. I do things now that I never dreamed I could do when I was in my 20's.

@bindwed

It's certainly good to here that things don't always get progressively worse with this condition like I assumed : )