Delicate moments

Nevergive_up wrote:Doesent your therapist teach you cbt?

Im might be oversimplefying things but all of our irrational fears are foults in your thinking pattern. In therapy your counselr can provide you with various tools how to deal with the siutations that couses you stress. I dont know what happend to you when you where a child , it doest matter. Its in the past now. Nothing you can do changes that history

Hey, honey. You´re very nice. Yeah, I have been following CBT with different phychologists. I lived this process where I had to guess what the Earth was wrong with me when I was a child. Indeed, I discovered I hate my father. But now, in my last therapeutical process, I guided my phychologist in what I need at this moment, that is, the past is in the past and now I want to face my fears and irrational thoughts. I have learnt that I used to see only one side of the reality.

If you where that kind that coudent stand up for her rights, thats ok. But your an adoult at the present moment . Now you DO have a choise when someone is crossing that line . If you were never tought how to do this a good therapist can guide you trew the whole proces

One of the things I´ve done is to read about assertiveness and try to take it into practise. Again, I had a black or white thinking. I shut out like a dead person or I burst in anger. But, I´m still working on that. Working on assertiviness is something very important to do for any person.

One of the things I heave learned threw many years of trails and error. That rejection/pain is just a part of life. No piont in running away from it couse it will only come back an hount you . You can however have the control how you deal with the whole situation . So thats what my focus is on . Spending your limitied energy on things you do not control seem so silly looking back

Yeah, but it sometimes really difficult to accomplish. But, you´re completely right.

Other big realistation is that we can not control how poeple will think of us . Even if your the most social/charming /funny person in your aria there were always be poeple who are going to dislike you ,even then!!! You can choose how your dealing with the critick you get or someone ignorse you ect . Its now always about you, poeple dont care how your comming across. They are thinking about their own problems

Honey, you seem to go through the same process as me. I used to think that I was a narcissist because I care a lot about what people thought about me. I thought "what am I thinking? that all people are paying attention to all what I do? Are really people focussing or waiting for me to make a mistake or say something unappropiate?" The answer is obviously NO, SURE ENOUGH.
But all that said, do you want to knowwhat mu last therapists told me? "You know all the theory. You can sit here and be a phychologist" So, I took these words seriously and I understood that I had to work harder in practise.

Do you mind telling me what went trew your head when you were having dinner with your co workers?

Once, I wrote a thread called "irrational thoughts" and I was really astonish when I didn´t get replies. But, now I understand that it´s a really personal and uncomfortable question.
Well, basically I thought "everybody is talking to someone while I´m petrified" "All these people are going to think that I´m not a good person to stay with" "what the hell tell now to this person next to me who seems to be uncomfortable with me" "These people seem to be really happy and I have to pretended, I´m sure they will realize this"
As you know I´m a lost case.
Can I ask you a question? What´s your mother tongue? As you can see English is not my mother tongue, either. I´m Spanish although I´m considering to change my Nationality, but this is a different topic.
Thank you for being so nice!

Hey, honey. You´re very nice. Yeah, I have been following CBT with different phychologists. I lived this process where I had to guess what the Earth was wrong with me when I was a child. Indeed, I discovered I hate my father. But now, in my last therapeutical process, I guided my phychologist in what I need at this moment, that is, the past is in the past and now I want to face my fears and irrational thoughts. I have learnt that I used to see only one side of the reality.

One of the things that really helped me is too really look at the things you say to yourself every day. We might me unaware of it but we talked to ourself the whole day. Thousend of coversations are taking place without you really notecing it . When I first starting doing this I was really shoqed, I mean REALLY shoqed of the things I tolded myself during a day . Sure I was aware that I was not the most postive person on this planet(kind of an understatement of the year lol) but really had no idea that I was beating myzelf up like all the time , all day long . I woudent to anything right, why try to make some progress you will only gonna fail, dont fool yourself into thinking you can make progress its only a matter of time before you screw things up , you are a screw up and you always will be. And more stuff like that . It maked a lot of sence in why I acted the way I do > With these converstation taking place all the long its only logical that I was living the life I did .

But as time went by and I kept correting myself every time on of these toughts poped up. Nothing really exiting or antyhing but I was able to be much more confertbale around people , I was more present with the poeple I knew ( more relaxed and talkative then normal). I was able to make short coverstation with strangers without being so selfcountius and tence( its still there but not that severe as it was before)

Now at the present moment, its like a huge weith have been lifted off my shoulders . Im so much more relaxed then I used to be . I dont live a very stressfull life or anthing but its the change is huge comp[ared to like 1 year ago . Becouse Im so at easy im gonna put my ass on the line again and try to get some working experiance . Can use a little more drama in my life atm

It really worth to take a look at it even it may be very uncomfertbale in the begining

Honey, you seem to go through the same process as me. I used to think that I was a narcissist because I care a lot about what people thought about me. I thought "what am I thinking? that all people are paying attention to all what I do? Are really people focussing or waiting for me to make a mistake or say something unappropiate?" The answer is obviously NO, SURE ENOUGH.
But all that said, do you want to knowwhat mu last therapists told me? "You know all the theory. You can sit here and be a phychologist" So, I took these words seriously and I understood that I had to work harder in practise.

Lol sounds so familair . I remember when I was really into to whole dating game , I kept reading more and more matirail these dating guru's have to offer . Still looking for that one magic line, one super advanced technique that would ''fix me''. Even tho by now I had a very good understanding of the psycholgy of the whole thing called dating . I would not go out and put myself on the line. Intead I kept reading more and more . Mabye I was thiking if I kept looking hard enough I would fiend that one thing that would make things all better

When the time came to take action I found always fiend exuses why it was not possible to do it . Search hard enough and one will fiend the exuse not to take action . I was really good in fiending exuses so not much happend in that deparment .

Luckely I found a really beautifull qoute the other day . It might me something to live by

“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness.”

Once, I wrote a thread called "irrational thoughts" and I was really astonish when I didn´t get replies. But, now I understand that it´s a really personal and uncomfortable question.

Most of us including me for the first 28 years where never questioning if these belives we have of ourself are acurate. We just take them as facts and then wonder why we feel so worthless and depressed all the time. This is my core being this is who I am god dammit would be the answer that most of people would give is my guess. Other part might be shame witch I can really understand . You want no on to think how you really view yourself and the world around you. Heck it took me 5 years to really open up once I was in the office of my therapist. Its not something your willing to share with the rest of the world

Well, basically I thought "everybody is talking to someone while I´m petrified" "All these people are going to think that I´m not a good person to stay with" "what the hell tell now to this person next to me who seems to be uncomfortable with me" "These people seem to be really happy and I have to pretended, I´m sure they will realize this"

You will be in similer situations in some piont in time. However the toughts you will have in the future may differ there will me a lot of similairities. Being prepared and having realistic expectations can help you reduce the uncomfertbale feelings in the long run

What I mean by being prepared is to look in what things you say to yourself in the moment and coming with those statements that do benifit you for example this tought that poped up when you where with your co workers:

'' These people seem to be really happy and I have to pretended, I´m sure they will realize this''

How realistic is it to expect yourself to be talkative and happy when having so much social anxiaty?
Do I really have special powers and really can read poeple minds or is my mind playing tricks with me?
Does it make you a bad person to have some fears or is it somethig that ''normal people '' struggle with as well . It might me less sever then in my case but fear itself isent a bad thing. Might me uncofertable but it will go away
This is just a tought, it only can have power over me if I give it attention , will this help me to be more involded with other people ? If not I will try and shift my focus on other things. By doing that I will be at more easy then I was before

By writhing these things down and coming with healty alternatives you will know how to act and if you want to give these irritational thoughts any attention . A good indicator when an unhelaty tought comes to mind is a suddanly change in mood. When you start feeling tense.anxius you know that something is going on in that brain of yours .

I have been talking wayy tooo much And will stop for know

To answer your question: My parents come from Croatia to come and work in the netherlands . I was borned and raised here . My lovly parentes first tought me croation witch made it hard for me to fit in in the first few years

My 2e lagnuage is obv dutch
3 english
4 german

I did have spanish when going to school but was never good in it did rememer the real basic stuff

Como estas?
My bien gracias
Me lliamo nevergup es tu?
Me tengo beintie nueve anjos

Thats about it

try and stay calm, try and think that the world isnt going to end and you have done much harder things so even though it can make you nervous it isnt bad compared to some hard things you have done

@never give-up: Hey, honey. You didn´t write in vain. You ´won´t believe me but I have printed this las post to remember everyday what I have to do. This is a day by day fight, and I´m not constant enough.
Croatia is a really beautiful country, and it was more beautiful before the war.
I usually do an evocation exercise where you have to imagine being in a beauty and peaceful place, and the place I always evocate is in Croatia ( a beautiful waterfalls). I´ll stick the pic for you or send you it in a PM.

Yeah, I can imagine how difficult were your first years in Netherlands. Dutch is a really dificult language. I have many pupils from other countries (mainly from Marocco, Romania and Russia) they take a little time to learn Spanish.
Anyway there are no-one worst at learning a language that Spanish People. Here, we used to say that a Spanish is the one who was born, grows up. reproduces and dies learning English.
Prettig Kerstfeest! Sí?

ultimate_krang wrote:try and stay calm, try and think that the world isnt going to end and you have done much harder things so even though it can make you nervous it isnt bad compared to some hard things you have done

Hola, guapo! Sure, I can´t forget my breaking up, and the two weeks before going back work. It was awful. But I did it. Thanks, honey!

twistermind wrote:@never give-up: Hey, honey. You didn´t write in vain. You ´won´t believe me but I have printed this las post to remember everyday what I have to do. This is a day by day fight, and I´m not constant enough.

I just got an idea will need to know if your up for it . How about you go and post your day to day experiancses in this topic . You can do it at your own pace no one will push you to do things your not comfterbale with . By doing this you kind of have to force yourself to actually do something , since you have to report your whole experiance with all the members here . It just can be the thing you need to give yourself a kick in the arch

Im well aware how apd effects the quality of life . It was kind of comferting to know that there where other people who struggle with the same things as you did . That being said, im really tired of being so tense/sensitive/scared that I rather feel pain then this numbness, that I rather be rejected then living THIS comfertbale atm and missing so much in life becouse of it . I was kind of hoping that I could fiend someone who shares my views, someone who is willing to take risk , someone who confronts his or hers inner deamons rather then whining how life is bad for them . Im not judding the ones who do that, im just saying there is no need for me to just sit there do nothing and just complain . I have really tried that for many many years, does not work for me what so ever

If your willing to do this you will have the following benifits:

I can help you to see thing more in a way that is benifitail to you
Can share experianses in how I handeld a similar situations
Can help you fiend statements that will help you to get the result you want
Lots of support and kind feedback

All free of charge

I´m the person you were looking for. Agree!