Avoiding It...

Hi Everyone,
Finding this board has been significant for me lately and just wanted to put this out there. I got this diagnosis several years ago while in college. Like most, it seemed to be the place where things fall apart. I had sought out treatment after my hypersensitivity and paranoia became too much for me. I was given anxiety meds and referred to counseling at school, but never fully educated as to what I was dealing with. Hey no more constantly scanning the field for rejection, so we're good, right? Wrong. I swept it under the carpet and remained unaware of the implications of this. Sadly, my then zero-self-esteem/non-assertiveness issues arose with a drinking related incident. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong people, help....minor legal issues involved, just college days crap, in no way a reflection on my character. I know this, but of course I blew it way out of proportion...stupidness. That was just an extraneous source of shame. It was nothing compared to what was on the inside, the shame that somehow became part of your soul in childhood. I kept avoiding it. So life becomes about running from the pain...living single, miserable, underemployed, few friends. No risks, no rejection. I had no idea what idea what I was dealing with, I had rationalized the hell out of my behavior patterns since high school. "Be more assertive", "You are smart" ,"Join in" ,"You are negative": Messages like this I got from adults and the few people I got close to, but could not process! My views have improved over the past few years, but I was making the progress from within, not conscious of the "disorder". But here I find it, and life as I have known it suddenly makes sense and my journey becomes easier. Regardless, where I'm going with this is if you are here I know what you have gone through. My cell didn't ring at all today. This thing can be a nasty beast and some of the stories here break my heart. But everyone is unique, has worth, and is beautiful and you deserve the best. I know, it's hard to take it in.

Welcome Exante.

Great post btw. Running or avoiding pain, that has been the story of my life. Its mentally exhausting, and i am so tired of it. I am so torn between wanting relationships with others, but too fearful of the possibility of rejection. Its just so ingrained in my thinking and people must be able to smell it from a mile away. I reek of desperation, am socially inept, and have no self esteem. I am trying to change but ultimately i dont know if it is even possible. I am merely a spectator in the game of life.

Examte! Wellcome!

Your post reminds me the exact moment when I was diagnosed. It was the starting point in my new life. I already know what the hell I have suffered and I can face to it with all my strenght.