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Another thread about feeling crappy

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Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby ShadowTerra » Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:16 am

I hate myself. My family is ###$ up enough without the pain my death would cause, so I'm not actively suicidal. However, I do wish I were dead. Though I don't want to actually kill myself, I fantasize about my death all the time. There's a part of me that wishes I really could hurt people through my death, but that wouldn't actually work out. I would only hurt people I actually care for while the other #####& would go about their merry way. The bottom line is that I'm not going to hurt myself.

My neighbor is back from college for Thanksgiving and he was in his backyard with his friends earlier tonight, being normal and social, reminding me of how much of my youth I've already wasted by being the way I am.

I am going borderline on the only decent friend I've had in years and it's working--he's starting to avoid me, I think. Fine. Good riddance. Unfortunately, I'm more stable when I'm alone.

I'm in so much pain lately. Nothing ever works out if I have anything to do with it. I try really hard to be the kind of friend I want to have, I tear myself to pieces trying to weed out the worst of my rejectable traits, and all I get are emotional table scraps. It's been this way my whole life. I've always been an afterthought to the people I care about most. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no one I can trust enough to call a friend. Why should I have any friends anyway? I don't have anything to offer anyone. I don't know why I even tried to act social. Nothing ever works out.

I was trying to stay away from these forums because I thought they might be triggering me, but it turns out I do a damn good job of ######6 myself up simply by continuing to breathe. When I'm by myself, if I have nothing to distract myself, all I do is cry. I've been depressed for months now. My social anxiety is coming back full force.

I'm afraid that I'll never achieve the independence I crave, at the rate I'm going.

I hate myself so much that there are no suitable words to express my disgust and ill will toward myself. I'm boring, funny-looking, emotionally crippled, and socially retarded. I just want to disappear.

Therapy is useless to me. They always want to fix you when I just want someone to listen, to bear witness. I'm tired of therapists trying to discourage my all-or-nothing thinking, trying to help me believe in my good qualities, giving me homework, etc. Just listen, dammit. Just listen to me so I can let it out and leave it somewhere and it won't keep me up all night, like it has tonight. I just want to wallow in it sometimes. Instead, therapy just gives me more reasons to beat myself up. I just want a safe place to be negative and frightened without someone trying to give me advice. I don't need anyone's help censoring my emotions, and I thrive on disappointing people, so the more people try to help, the more I'll muck things up. I know I'm only hurting myself, but I don't give a $#%^. It's my petty revenge for never having my feelings validated.

I wish I had someone to blame for my shortcomings besides myself. I wish I could learn to take my anger out on other people like everyone else I know does. What's the use of getting angry at other people when everything's basically my fault? I'm tired of living my entire life in fear, but I don't have any other script to go by yet. I'll find one, but I wish people would let me find it on my own so I can resist the urge to sabotage myself in the name of passive aggression. Which reminds me, I'm tired of people taking credit for my rare good moods or my baby steps of progress. I'm tired of being repeatedly and willfully misunderstood.

Why commit suicide when loneliness and self-hatred is probably doing a fine job of shortening my lifespan? By the time I get my life sorted out, I will probably have developed some fun autoimmune disease anyway. Because nothing ever works out. Ever. But I have to keep working toward a better life just to pass the time before I die. That's the closest thing to optimism I'm willing to indulge in.

The amount of pain that people with avoidant personalities can endure is a testament to the resilience of the human race.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to rant somewhere people might even remotely understand what I'm going through. Anyone else want to rant? Misery loves company. Let's wallow together. I'll resist my hypocritical urges to be positive and encouraging. Let's just let it all out.
You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
You can call me Pollyanna
Say I'm crazy as a loon
I believe in silver linings
And that's why I believe in you
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby Ihateme » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:03 pm

Hey, shadow

Yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. This weekend in particular has been a selt-loathing fest. Usually I'm pretty good at distracting myself from wallowing, but not this time. Spent most of it laying on my bed thinking about how sh!t I am and how it isn't getting any better.

I also think about suicide a lot. I try and think of quick, painless ways that would look like an accident to make it easier for my family. 'Tripping' in front of a lorry/bus is the best one so far, but i guess there's a pretty good chance I'd survive with some disfugurement/injury and my life would be that much more suckier. I really have no idea why I care so much about them feeling bad. It's not like they've been the perfect family (mum drinks, dad is an enabler, brother constantly says he hates me).

What you said about PD's showing how resilient people are made me think. Imagine if everyone with PDs got over it. After suffering all that crap, we'd be some of the toughest people around in a sense.
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby LivingShadow » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:05 pm

Like me you're totally disconnected from the present, lost somewhere in the long lost past and futures that might have been. Well you know what, I'm tired of wading in my own self-pity all the time and I'm tired of feeling like $hit all the time.

I'm alone and no one cares about me, fine I can give myself more affection and interest that no one would ever put in someone else. I'm angry, that's fine I'll just take it up with the pillow. There's absolutely no reason to feel bad about anything or to have a desire to feel bad about anything.


The past is like a broken egg, there's no way that it's going to come back together the same way it was before. That's entropy, and entropy is always increasing. You want to get out of this you got one way, and you already what that this, just go forward. The past is never going to happen again and certainly not the same way because it already changed you. About possible futures, hmph, que sera sera, what will be will be. What's really important is to stay in the present and do great/simple things and savor them, there's nothing else to life, it's a just a bubble inflating and inflating waiting to blow up and then inflate again...

Just stop, blow off some steam and go get yourself a real life.
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby twistermind » Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:12 pm

I´m sorry you feel like this. Many times I have felt the same. Ok, ain´t gonna tell you anything about therapy. Therapy doesn´t work when someone is in such a lebel of depression.
You were in the same situation before, so think about the things did work for you.
As I said before, I had many relapses and I live daily with the fear of another falling.
It´s a good point that you don´t blame others but don´t you think is a bit cruel to blame yourself? You´re fighting, so why blame?
If it´s any consolation for you, I´ll tell you that I have learnt with each of my relapses.
A strong hug!
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby thepain » Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:17 pm

I wish i had the answers. I can feel the hurt and frustration in your words, its hard to read because it hits so close to home. For me these months are always the toughest for me. I dont know if its just less sun or crappy weather forcing me to stay inside more, but my depression always worsens. Winter months are hard for me. Luckily i have been feeling my depression/anxiety lessen some so iv been able to be more positive and concentrate on my school work which helps. Also knowing there are others out there in similar situations willing to help gives me a sense of hope.
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby ShadowTerra » Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:29 am

LivingShadow wrote:Just stop, blow off some steam and go get yourself a real life.

You first. Sorry to pick on you, Shadow, but this kind of up-by-your-bootstraps wisdom is precisely the kind of stuff I don't want to hear anymore. You gave some wonderful advice, but I'm not in a state of mind to benefit from it. I'm not comfortable living in the present.

Thanks for listening, everyone. I feel for everyone else who is hurting and hopeless lately. This is a bad time of year because of the shorter days and the inevitable family drama coming up. School is a good distraction, but I'm always running out of schoolwork.

Over the past year I really pushed myself to be social and step out of my comfort zone, but the facade I constructed to accomplish that is falling apart. The friends I made are meeting the real me and they don't understand. They're growing impatient with me, and I can't blame them. Being negative and morose is part of who I am and I'm through with trying to kill/hide that part of myself. I'm through with trying to be who I think people want me to be instead of figuring out who I really am and what I really want.

The events that caused me to become avoidant made me determined to make myself into someone different, someone worthy of friendship and love. I went a long way down that path and it just didn't work out. Believe me, there are still things i want/need to change about myself, but I'm done with pretending to be someone I'm not... I hope.

Perversely, being negative ultimately makes me feel good. It's just that I always feel guilty about being so negative. That guilt makes me say things I think other people want to hear instead of being my Eeyore self. It's trying to "stay positive"/having "faith that things will get better"/trying to "achieve my potential" that drive me up the wall and make me want to harm something. I'm not tired of being depressed per se, I'm tired of feeling bad about being depressed. I would gladly part with the anxiety and loneliness, though. I appreciate it when I feel good, but depression is like an old comfy chair.

I realize this contradicts some of what I said earlier, but whatever. I'm nothing if not inconsistent.
You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
You can call me Pollyanna
Say I'm crazy as a loon
I believe in silver linings
And that's why I believe in you
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby LivingShadow » Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:49 am

ShadowTerra wrote:Sorry to pick on you, Shadow


Don't feel sorry about me, I feel sorry about you. Not because you are feeling bad or want to feel bad, but because you aren't able to enjoy feeling bad despite your apparent desire to feel bad. Ironically, if you would embrace it would also probably disappear which makes the whole thing one big cruel joke.

ShadowTerra wrote:I'm through with trying to be who I think people want me to be instead of figuring out who I really am and what I really want.


That's what I meant by getting a real life. You don't have to live up to anybody's expectation, perhaps not even your own. What really matter is for you to be yourself (whatever that means) and enjoy it. It's not because you're depressed and negative all the time that you can't enjoy being depressed and negative all the time. It's just because you're holding yourself back with your guilt and your fears and that's the real problem.
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby thepain » Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:53 am

ShadowTerra wrote:
Over the past year I really pushed myself to be social and step out of my comfort zone, but the facade I constructed to accomplish that is falling apart. The friends I made are meeting the real me and they don't understand. They're growing impatient with me, and I can't blame them. Being negative and morose is part of who I am and I'm through with trying to kill/hide that part of myself. I'm through with trying to be who I think people want me to be instead of figuring out who I really am and what I really want.


This is one of the most difficult aspects of AvPD to me. People just dont understand it. I used to a have a "friend" i use that term loosely only because looking back it really wasnt much of a friendship. He would basically drag me to parties/bars. He was very much the life of the party type guy, that girls just threw themselves at him(also had a girlfriend at the time of course too). He loved to drink and hook up with girls, that was his thing. I understood his past and why he did these things so i never judged him, even though i didnt agree with his chooses. Id go along because i figured this is what college age kids do, plus i thought i could help me get out of my shell, it just wasnt me though. Social interaction is mentally draining to me. I couldnt pretend that i was enjoying myself, i was miserable, and he could never understand that. Long story short we just kind of drifted apart even though we had know each other since middle school.

I need time by myself. Iv spent so much of my time alone its how i feel most comfortable. I enjoy it for the most part. I do get lonely, so i would like to eventually find some sort of acceptance. I do want to change but i know im never gonna be the life of the party type guy. Im shy its just my nature. Large crowds freak me out. I just have a hard time believing i will be able to find friends let along a girl that would be able to look past all of this. Id say 99% would run for the hills thinking im some sort of monster or serial killer :lol:
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby Smacster » Mon Nov 23, 2009 8:27 pm

A facade is necessary for all of us with personality disorders because we despise ourselves so much, I think. The last year of therapy for me (I was pulled out of school following 30 days straight of eating LOTS of mushrooms) has completely destroyed my mask.

I think back to who I was when I was 16 (best way to describe would be narcissistic), then after the extreme emotional trauma I suffered I did a complete 180 at the age of 18 and turned into an empty shell of my former self. It was in this form that I was diagnosed with AvPD.

But I know that I can get back to who I was. I used to be so smart... and I don't know whether it's the drugs or the age (I am 22) but I feel so STUPID now. My basic talents are still there, but I have been so fragmented by CBT that I don't know who I am anymore. I have missed out on the peak of my life wallowing in despair. Hopefully I can construct a new identity in my old image, regain supreme mental acuity and reign once more.

I think we all can. I have hope. When something is broken down and rebuilt, it is stronger. When I am done, and it might take awhile but it will happen, I will never be victimized again.

The mantra in my head is "If you do nothing, then nothing will change"

Oh, and everyone has a dark side. You can connect to anyone via this. I am very negative and morose at times. The friends I have recognize this and are great at playing devils advocate for me, as I do for them when they are in need. I only consider a very select few people to be my friends. I won't lower my standards, or conform at ANY COST. If you do conform, you will wake up one day and realize that nobody who you think is your friend is actually your friend. I like to be realistic.
Last edited by Smacster on Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Another thread about feeling crappy

Postby Parador » Mon Nov 23, 2009 8:51 pm

Depression is supposed to lead to physical illness. I keep hoping I will get a fatal disease.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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