I hate myself. My family is ###$ up enough without the pain my death would cause, so I'm not actively suicidal. However, I do wish I were dead. Though I don't want to actually kill myself, I fantasize about my death all the time. There's a part of me that wishes I really could hurt people through my death, but that wouldn't actually work out. I would only hurt people I actually care for while the other #####& would go about their merry way. The bottom line is that I'm not going to hurt myself.
My neighbor is back from college for Thanksgiving and he was in his backyard with his friends earlier tonight, being normal and social, reminding me of how much of my youth I've already wasted by being the way I am.
I am going borderline on the only decent friend I've had in years and it's working--he's starting to avoid me, I think. Fine. Good riddance. Unfortunately, I'm more stable when I'm alone.
I'm in so much pain lately. Nothing ever works out if I have anything to do with it. I try really hard to be the kind of friend I want to have, I tear myself to pieces trying to weed out the worst of my rejectable traits, and all I get are emotional table scraps. It's been this way my whole life. I've always been an afterthought to the people I care about most. I have plenty of acquaintances, but no one I can trust enough to call a friend. Why should I have any friends anyway? I don't have anything to offer anyone. I don't know why I even tried to act social. Nothing ever works out.
I was trying to stay away from these forums because I thought they might be triggering me, but it turns out I do a damn good job of ######6 myself up simply by continuing to breathe. When I'm by myself, if I have nothing to distract myself, all I do is cry. I've been depressed for months now. My social anxiety is coming back full force.
I'm afraid that I'll never achieve the independence I crave, at the rate I'm going.
I hate myself so much that there are no suitable words to express my disgust and ill will toward myself. I'm boring, funny-looking, emotionally crippled, and socially retarded. I just want to disappear.
Therapy is useless to me. They always want to fix you when I just want someone to listen, to bear witness. I'm tired of therapists trying to discourage my all-or-nothing thinking, trying to help me believe in my good qualities, giving me homework, etc. Just listen, dammit. Just listen to me so I can let it out and leave it somewhere and it won't keep me up all night, like it has tonight. I just want to wallow in it sometimes. Instead, therapy just gives me more reasons to beat myself up. I just want a safe place to be negative and frightened without someone trying to give me advice. I don't need anyone's help censoring my emotions, and I thrive on disappointing people, so the more people try to help, the more I'll muck things up. I know I'm only hurting myself, but I don't give a $#%^. It's my petty revenge for never having my feelings validated.
I wish I had someone to blame for my shortcomings besides myself. I wish I could learn to take my anger out on other people like everyone else I know does. What's the use of getting angry at other people when everything's basically my fault? I'm tired of living my entire life in fear, but I don't have any other script to go by yet. I'll find one, but I wish people would let me find it on my own so I can resist the urge to sabotage myself in the name of passive aggression. Which reminds me, I'm tired of people taking credit for my rare good moods or my baby steps of progress. I'm tired of being repeatedly and willfully misunderstood.
Why commit suicide when loneliness and self-hatred is probably doing a fine job of shortening my lifespan? By the time I get my life sorted out, I will probably have developed some fun autoimmune disease anyway. Because nothing ever works out. Ever. But I have to keep working toward a better life just to pass the time before I die. That's the closest thing to optimism I'm willing to indulge in.
The amount of pain that people with avoidant personalities can endure is a testament to the resilience of the human race.
I'm sorry. I just wanted to rant somewhere people might even remotely understand what I'm going through. Anyone else want to rant? Misery loves company. Let's wallow together. I'll resist my hypocritical urges to be positive and encouraging. Let's just let it all out.