I disgust myself

What really kills me is that in social situations, I have nothing to talk about (no life experience, no ideas in general)... But anti-depressants prevent the FLOW of thought. There is a difference between not being able to think in the moment, and not being able to think at all.

That would send me into an uncontrollable and destructive rages, and I'd end up purging friends too. To note, I am also diagnosed BiPolar NOS (I don't recognize this though, as my mood swings are triggered by my avoidance and consequent lament associated). I don't know how relevant that is. But I remember being on zoloft from age 12-15, 200mgs a day and wanting to kill everybody I knew all the time.

Smacster wrote:What really kills me is that in social situations, I have nothing to talk about (no life experience, no ideas in general)... But anti-depressants prevent the FLOW of thought. There is a difference between not being able to think in the moment, and not being able to think at all.

That would send me into an uncontrollable and destructive rages, and I'd end up purging friends too. To note, I am also diagnosed BiPolar NOS (I don't recognize this though, as my mood swings are triggered by my avoidance and consequent lament associated). I don't know how relevant that is. But I remember being on zoloft from age 12-15, 200mgs a day and wanting to kill everybody I knew all the time.

From what I have seen -from working at a psych hospital - is tht it can be dangerous giving antidepressants to people with biplolar. I knew one woman who was a latent biploar. Her doc gave her antidepressants and she went into a manic psychosis. She spend months in a psych hospital. I felt so bad for her.

Smacster wrote:What really kills me is that in social situations, I have nothing to talk about (no life experience, no ideas in general)... But anti-depressants prevent the FLOW of thought. There is a difference between not being able to think in the moment, and not being able to think at all.

The anti-depressants should calm your mind and actually allow you to think more clearly. I think that what's happening is that you are n't letting them 'work' aas best as they should. In a conversation, don't ever feel like you have to speak. IOf you go into a conversation with no expectations, then you are moer likely to feel calm and therefore will probabaly speak more. Not everyone likes people who talk a lot, and some people love a great listerner (which is what i imagine you are/can be).

Parador - you are right. But I think I was just on too much. Underwent complete zombification

It's funny you mention great listener - I am really trying hard to stop. Seriously. Someone else can play the "wise and vicarious-living" man, I just want to find a girl. It's too complicated. I don't like listening because it cements a layer of comfort, aka "friend-zone". I have helped too many people out with their own problems and it's time that someone rewards me, says "Hey Smacster, thank you for listening to me bitch about my living situation, pull down your pants I want to suck your dick" and we take care of the business.

'friend-zone'... ...Yeh, I've been there, and still very much am still there in some circles. You can be a great listener and good conversationalist too, by the way. Both aren't mutually exclusive. Yes, there are some mutes out there who wont say and word - and yes there are those who just mnever shut-up talking - but you can find the middle ground. i knowe that you have the will and intelligence to find such a ground.

Hi there,
Sorry for interruption in your conversation, only to ask about Steve.
Are you still here? I hope you are.

I really want to dissapear off the face of the Earth. The more I think about it, the more I realize I just want nothing to do but die. I have no options, I am functionally retarded in all social situations, and treated as such. I bought a gun last year with the intention of killing myself, and wound up just reselling it. I just want to die.

The gun is scary. I think that's how I would end up killing myself. I never bought one. If I did it would be so tempting. I'm sorry Steve. I can't offer much. There are lots of ups and downs in life. During the up parts life is often tolerable.

Steve234, it's possible to get comfort from thoughts of dying, or at least knowing that you have the power to take your own life. Maybe that's what you're going through now. I heard once that most suicides are snap decisions, but i'm not sure how they arrived at this conclusion. The fact that you decided to log on here and talk about this is a very positive sign, and I believe it shows that you dont really want to die, but just want a different life. You know that there is a life out there that you can be happy in... ...what is it? How couldf you get there?

Kevin

Change is so difficult, but just think about how many years it took you to get to the place you are now. Iv been trying not to think of the future too much because it just stresses me out, trying to live more in the present. Change what i can and accept that which i cant. Baby steps. Its the only advice i have