Perfectionist Avoidant...blocking myself from living!!

Hi everyone. This is my first post to this forum. I took a personality disorder test and it said I was "very high" for APD. I have only had one boyfriend in my life and I'm 37. I'm shy, quiet, introverted, prefer to be alone like 80% of the time, have a hard time making friends, and have a REALLY hard time with dating. Gonna get personal here: I didn't enjoy sex, but I often (and I do mean OFTEN!!) fantasize about sex. I become obsessed with rock stars and have since I was probably 15. I write erotica, just for a hobby. I realize that I do this because I don't have a sex life and even when I did (which was about 10 years ago now) it was pretty bad.

I really don't want to be alone forever, but I don't see a way out of this. When I meet guys, 99% of the time I think 'ugh, he is ugly/has a big nose/is too skinny/has hair too short/has a beard' and I avoid talking to him. But that rare 1% of the time when I like a guy, I can talk ok, but it usually ends within a few dates because I can't stand guys who rush to get intimate. I don't feel like i'm avoiding intimacy though, I just can't be intimate with someone I just met! It took me A YEAR until I was able to have sex with my ex boyfriend. (it was sooner for other types of sexual activity though...but still months after we met). There were only 2 guys I dated who lasted 3 months and I ended those because I just lost interest and didnt like them as much as I thought I did.

My other problem area in my life due to APD is with my career. I am currently unemployed but trying to figure out what type of job I should do. Every time I think I find a career I wanna get into, I find roadblocks and I give up. I avoid problems and since nothing in life is perfect, I avoid everything. I avoid less than perfect guys, I avoid less than perfect jobs, I even avoid less than perfect goals such as my newest goal which is to live in an RV and travel the country. But unfortunately since I can't accept something that has problems, I end up stuck in the same position and I can't do anything because there are problems with everything.

I know everyone here has the same problems, or similar, but I thought i'd throw this out there to see if anyone has ever been in either of these situations and has some good advice for me! Thanks!

Hi Amber,

I'm also new to this forum (since yesterday). I recognise myself in a lot of what you are saying. Needless to say online tests are not reliable, but I definitely don't mean to trivialise your experiences and feelings, and what you say sounds all too familiar to me (I was diagnosed with AvPD a few years ago) - so welcome to the club!! You are NOT alone. Are you getting any help? It sounds like your problems are too much for one person to carry.

[... Sorry I've removed this part of my post after some thought. I hope you forgive me.]

It does sound like you have good feelings about sex, and that's a good starting point even if your experiences with sex aren't that great. You have the ability to enjoy it, you just need to feel safe and good about yourself, probably (not that I'm an expert on you, of course). With a little (or a lot of) effort and help, it is possible. Definitely.

I can't see the the solution for myself at the moment, but I'm still in therapy, even after so many years. And that's because I haven't lost all hope yet, I guess.

I don't think I have much advice to give, other than therapy (which is an individual choice obviously, and perhaps you have sought help already). Therapy has helped me in trying to figure out what is actually going on inside me. And I'm slowly learning where my boundaries are and that I have the right to set them in the first place. I don't feel courageous enough yet to really live according to this, but this is my goal. Or part of my goal, anyway.

I'm sending you my best thoughts.

[edited for grammar mistake] I also wanted to add that even though I mentioned that online tests are unreliable I did not mean to say that this diagnosis is wrong for you. That is not in my power or knowledge to have an opinion about. I just mentioned it, in case... But you probably already know.

Hi there. I think we took the same test & I scored Very High for AvPD too. Lol.
I very often fantasise about sex too, I know my desire for it is normal, but the thought of
actually doing it terrifies me.

Thanks for the replies! To answer your question, Spill, no I have not sought therapy but only because I'm unemployed and can't afford it. I have contacted a hypnotherapist just to get her rates but I can't afford it now, although she did do a quick energy scan on me (I guess they can do that even if you're not in person) and she told me I have lots of fear and anxiety. I already knew that, but she could have just been guessing since most people probably have some type of fear or anxiety so that was a safe thing to say.

As for how I feel around guys, it makes no difference if he likes me or not, I always feel insecure and nervous around guys I like. If I don't like them, then I am relaxed.

Amber wrote:My other problem area in my life due to APD is with my career. I am currently unemployed but trying to figure out what type of job I should do. Every time I think I find a career I wanna get into, I find roadblocks and I give up. I avoid problems and since nothing in life is perfect, I avoid everything.

Hi and welcome, Amber. I don't have any advice to offer but I could relate to what you wrote above. That's something I'm struggling with right now, too, but I've never even had a real job. What kind of jobs have you been interested in? Are the roadblocks you mentioned more related to the job itself or are you more worried that you wouldn't perform it well?

spill wrote:And by telling myself that something or other is "wrong" with a guy, for instance, I make sure he doesn't hurt me first. I mean, this doesn't really happen on a conscious level, it happens instinctively. The only times I find someone really attractive are when they're not that into me. Then I relax. Even if this is not what I actually long for. Of course I too want someone who loves me, but that scares me too much, so I make sure something is wrong long before it's even the slightest possibility of me getting hurt.

Same here, all of this.

ShadowTerra wrote:Hi and welcome, Amber. I don't have any advice to offer but I could relate to what you wrote above. That's something I'm struggling with right now, too, but I've never even had a real job. What kind of jobs have you been interested in? Are the roadblocks you mentioned more related to the job itself or are you more worried that you wouldn't perform it well?

I'm not worried I wouldn't be able to perform the jobs, no, my roadblocks are all money-related. Most of the things I want to do you need a lot of money to be able to start doing them, and you don't make a lot of money in these fields unless you're famous and have already worked your way to the top (they're all creative careers in entertainment or art). One thing I'd like to do involves lots of schooling but I can't afford school and if i went into debt then I'd really never be able to have enough money!

As a perfectionist I'm assuming you probably want to have everything figured out before you start something, but what about getting a "day job" to finance your creative dreams and/or your education? Is the goal you need education for something you could start studying at a community college or something similar?

ShadowTerra wrote:As a perfectionist I'm assuming you probably want to have everything figured out before you start something,

EXACTLY!! That is me, totally, with everything in life! I hate it LOL I always feel like I have to plan every detail and make sure everything will work out or else the whole plan is flawed and I can't move ahead!

but what about getting a "day job" to finance your creative dreams and/or your education? Is the goal you need education for something you could start studying at a community college or something similar?

I'm trying. It's hard out there in this economy, i've been laid off for 8 months and the only job i could get was a part time temporary job that is only going to last a month. I'm also really broke and can't afford school and I just found out today that my truck is screwed cuz the brakes totally rusted out and there is nothing left of them and I can't afford to fix it!!

Amber wrote:EXACTLY!! That is me, totally, with everything in life! I hate it LOL I always feel like I have to plan every detail and make sure everything will work out or else the whole plan is flawed and I can't move ahead!

Believe me, I understand! I'm a perfectionist, too.

Amber wrote:I'm trying. It's hard out there in this economy, i've been laid off for 8 months and the only job i could get was a part time temporary job that is only going to last a month. I'm also really broke and can't afford school and I just found out today that my truck is screwed cuz the brakes totally rusted out and there is nothing left of them and I can't afford to fix it!!

Wow that's horrible about your truck. I'm sorry. This economy is horrendous. It seems like everyone I know is depressed over it. Hang in there, Amber.