Avoidants and Sex

Parador wrote:

Ben18 wrote:Avoidants do indeed enjoy it in fact based on recent research they may enjoy it more than the average person but they rarely ofcourse have it because they are to afraid to get into a relationship or that they will get ridiculed during any sort of sexual activity.

That's the great thing about hookers. A good hooker won't ridicule you - bad for business. Believe me, I was pretty akward with that $350 gal, but she was nice anyway.

I'd rather buy a flat screen tv, a lawnmower, or a motorcycle. Even if Megan Fox offered to have sex with me for only $200, i'd probably spend the $200 on something useful. $350 for one night of sex, which could be for as little time as a half hour (to be honest that sounds like a good job, no wonder it's the world's oldest profession).

My self confidence is not inflated by having sex at this point in my life. I only had 3 sexual encounters in my lifetime, and I suffered anorgasmia each time. I even paid a chick the last time I had sex, so she was about as attractive a chick as i'd ever find (still suffered anorgasmia). I was on paxil at the time (I think around 40mg), so that may have been what caused it. Maybe pornography is too easily accessible, and is such an easier alternative? It might also be that i'm so uncomfortable around people and/or it's just that having sex with someone is kind of wierd . Either way, I feel jipped out of my money I spent on that last go around. I spent $300 expecting to get a luxury cruise to an exotic destination, but only got a trip around the block in a spiffy looking car.

At least with self stimulation you don't have to feel like every woman that you find attractive has got you by the balls, so to speak. Once you're past the virgin hump, it really doesn't matter anymore. Although I don't see how it matters much even when you're not past the virgin hump, except you don't know what it's like so there's a bit of mysticism to it.

It was a big deal at the time to get over that virgin hump (mostly because I was surrounded by sexual deviants in the military who put a lot of emphasis on sex). Well I mean I mean they were sexual deviants because it's like they used vulgar, sexual language constantly. That's fine but do you have to use it around strangers constantly, it's fine when it's around your friends who might not be offended. I wasn't offended by most of the language (although I can see how a lot of people could easily be, and therefore I label it as deviant behavior). There was one particularly disgusting act that somebody did in basic training, involving putting up a picture of his girlfriend performing a sex act on him. What I find really repulsive is that nobody took it down, you'd at least expect the drill sergeant to take it down.

I really don't care now, I haven't had sex (in the traditional sense) in over 5 years and i'm perfectly fine with that. I have bigger problems in my life. Why add that kind of stress to my life.

Another reason I would never want to be in the military.

Steve234 wrote: There was one particularly disgusting act that somebody did in basic training, involving putting up a picture of his girlfriend giving him a blowjob. What I find really repulsive is that nobody took it down, you'd at least expect the drill sergeant to take it down.

You should have told him to have her deepthroat it so you couldn't see anything

Either way I think it was a repulsive. I know there are those who argue that people who are dumb enough to hand over dirty pictures of themselves deserve the bad publicity they get when the picture gets out into the public. I saw a news story recently about some young girl committing suicide after a naked picture of her she gave to her boyfriend got out to the high school. I could never take pleasure in viewing a person without their clothes on if I thought that it could be humiliating toward them.

People are terrible.

Nevergive_up wrote:Grils can read body language 10 times better as man , they just know if your the real deal or not

Not really, they just pay attention to it more subconsciously. What I said still stands, if you aren't feeling anxious (even it if is just because you are on drugs), your body language will naturally follow what you are thinking, so you will be more laid back, etc.

Hi, I don't have avpd but was reading this thread out of curiosity about avoidants. So please excuse my barging in. But as a woman (not a whore, incidentally) I just have to disagree with what some of you guys are saying. I don't know if I'm that ordinary, but I don't think I'm extraordinary, and I want you to know that I totally wouldn't mind if a guy were lacking in confidence. And if he were lousy in bed it would be okay, too, as long as he meant well and took some gentle direction.

So many of you guys sound really nice. I'm not saying this to troll for a boyfriend, as I am already in a relationship. I just want to reach out to you from the distaff side and say that a decent woman won't be that judgmental about confidence and ability to get erections and have orgasms. Are you clean? Are you kind? If yes to those, then I think you can find someone who will want to be intimate with you and be patient through some or even many awkward encounters.

But now I have to add that I hope if anyone is going to a prostitute then he is sure she is doing that job out of a free will unclouded by mental illness, drugs, or the horrors of poverty, trafficking, or domestic violence. My point with this is really the same as above: women are just people, ultimately as vulnerable as you.

Icygirl wrote:Hi, I don't have avpd but was reading this thread out of curiosity about avoidants. So please excuse my barging in. But as a woman (not a whore, incidentally) I just have to disagree with what some of you guys are saying. I don't know if I'm that ordinary, but I don't think I'm extraordinary, and I want you to know that I totally wouldn't mind if a guy were lacking in confidence. And if he were lousy in bed it would be okay, too, as long as he meant well and took some gentle direction.

So many of you guys sound really nice. I'm not saying this to troll for a boyfriend, as I am already in a relationship. I just want to reach out to you from the distaff side and say that a decent woman won't be that judgmental about confidence and ability to get erections and have orgasms. Are you clean? Are you kind? If yes to those, then I think you can find someone who will want to be intimate with you and be patient through some or even many awkward encounters.

But now I have to add that I hope if anyone is going to a prostitute then he is sure she is doing that job out of a free will unclouded by mental illness, drugs, or the horrors of poverty, trafficking, or domestic violence. My point with this is really the same as above: women are just people, ultimately as vulnerable as you.

They're no fun if they're strictly business (sober).

But besides that, yes.

Icygirl wrote:Hi, I don't have avpd but was reading this thread out of curiosity about avoidants. So please excuse my barging in. But as a woman (not a whore, incidentally) I just have to disagree with what some of you guys are saying. I don't know if I'm that ordinary, but I don't think I'm extraordinary, and I want you to know that I totally wouldn't mind if a guy were lacking in confidence. And if he were lousy in bed it would be okay, too, as long as he meant well and took some gentle direction.

So many of you guys sound really nice. I'm not saying this to troll for a boyfriend, as I am already in a relationship. I just want to reach out to you from the distaff side and say that a decent woman won't be that judgmental about confidence and ability to get erections and have orgasms. Are you clean? Are you kind? If yes to those, then I think you can find someone who will want to be intimate with you and be patient through some or even many awkward encounters.

But now I have to add that I hope if anyone is going to a prostitute then he is sure she is doing that job out of a free will unclouded by mental illness, drugs, or the horrors of poverty, trafficking, or domestic violence. My point with this is really the same as above: women are just people, ultimately as vulnerable as you.

I'm a nice guy. And I'm clean. Women show no interest in me. They haven't since I turned 32. Before that I just couldn't deal with it. That's what I don't think you understand. Avoidants feel so worthless that they reject anyone interested in them. I always just thought that woman would find someone or deserved someone better - I couldn't even work I was so bad. When I got a decent job I had a go at it, but had no luck. That period didn't last long because my father came got sick and I had to take care of him. Then when he died I found myself a 40 year old virgin. I tried asking a few woman out and didn't do well. Then I got porcelain veneers because my teeth were bad. I had a severe allergic reaction to the cement and have not felt well since. I felt so depressed that it allowed me to get over my terror of sex and I went to a sex worker. I was very respectful to her.

Thanks for helping me understand, Parador. I do think you're a nice guy (from the sound of your posts). Is it possible you're projecting your negative self-assessment onto others?

I think I'm around your age. I grew up with emotional abuse and consequently have low self-esteem (sorry, I know that sounds really banal in this context). I have to remind myself constantly that most other people are wobbly inside as well. Also that despite all my imperfections I have just as much of a right to be here on the planet as anyone else. Also that 100 years from now no one will remember what a fool I made of myself today. And so on.

I wish you and the others here better times and feelings. You all sound easily as deserving of love and affection as anyone else.