my story

I'm 22 years old and never even knew I had this until now. I was never officially diagnosed but the description explains everything about my life and how I got where I am now. The madness started when I got in a fight with a friend in high school. Long story short, he started bitching at me about how I am awkward and never talk in a group, I said I wanted to go home and he just storms off.

I walk home by myself and begin seriously ruminating myself into the worst depression ever, I think that I will have no friends ever again because he was my only connection. I think about the darkest scenarios possible and become depressed. Even when I started talking to him again and we made up I was still depressed.

I went on antidepressants (ssri's) and became all outgoing, almost manic. Then everything slowed down. My personality was like sucked from me or something because I couldn't relate to people the same. I got off the drugs and things became even worse and I got more depressed. I had ADD in the first place and now after the drugs I have even worse memory, articulation problems, and slower thought processing than before. For the next three years I have been trying to be something that I am not. I try to talk all the time and make comments thinking my old self would come back but it never does. I am also paranoid that if I act the way I want to around people which would basically not saying anything my friends will just think im boring or weird and ditch me. I'm obsessed with my thoughts and how I interact with people because of this. I recently found some nootropics that have allowed me to be more assertive and speed up my processing. I became more creative and my personality just brightened up on them. I feel like I got more people to like me but the connections never felt genuine.

On top of this after drugs I had too much emotion and stress and now it seems I have barely any, I feel empty. The symptoms of APD ive noticed I have is assuming everyone hates me, even some friends for no real reason. I am hypersensitive to rejection and don't trust others very much. I notice I look at some people who are eccentric or weird in a condescending manner, probably to make myself feel better. I am also very hesitant in my speech so things I say come off softly because I'm unsure.

I can go pretty much anywhere if I have someone with me who I feel comfortable with. I think showing up alone anywhere I'd look like the biggest loser ever. I usually talk to girls by either insulting them playfully, criticizing things they say or thinking that if I talk to other people enough around them they'll begin to talk to me somehow because of stuff I say. I always feel like there's an expectation i have to live up to in any social situation. When someone makes me angry because of something they did or whatever I'll ruminate endlessly about how I wish all these terrible things would happen to them. I'll say I'll never want to talk to them again, but then when they initiate contact I don't have the assertativeness to tell them off and just become there friend again. No one knows who I am, or anything about me. If anything about my depression or anything got out to my friends or other people I'd feel terribley awkward. When they have that thing in the first class of college where you introduce yourself and give yourself basic interests, even that is complete hell for me. I hate revealing anything like that and making myself vulnerable.

I wasn't normal before but I do feel after medication I was ###$ even more. Anyway, there's no point to this post but to vent. The only thing that made me write all of this was a double dose of my adderall prescription anyway.

HI nick d,

First of all sorry for that friend. Let me tell which i want to share with you. To become good person you want in your life, it will take some time and patience to build it. You have to change some things in your life. You are thinking that you can't make any friends. This is absolutely negative thinking. You can make friends. You can make them here. Don't lose your hopes and courage. If you have any other problem with yourself, then you can talk to me. Sorry for drugs, i have no knowledge about medication.

We are here to discuss with you, feel free.

Sound like you are on a drug rollercoaster to me. I always think people should try to avoid that. Only take drugs as a last resort. The side effects can be worse than what they are treating. Combining drugs can get complicated. Even doctors don't always pay attention to possible interactions. Have you had any type of therapy at all? Medications are not going to make up for the lack of life skills that you may have failed to acquire because of ADD.