Pursuing a relationship with a AvPD lady?

I'll try to keep this short, but it's a weird situation. I will greatly appreciate any opinions you care to offer.

I met a young lady through a local message board - she needed some help I was able to provide. We met once and I was VERY impressed: she is tall and curvaceous, with long hair and beautiful eyes. She is also intelligent, witty, well-read, just generally charming. We also share a long list of very specific interests.

We kept in touch strictly by email and got along fine for a couple of weeks, making plans to meet which she kept pushing back, but I wasn't too concerned. She seemed to share my enthusiasm.

She disappeared for a few days at first, then for a week, then for a couple of weeks, but kept coming back. And the only contact point for her I had was a fairly generic email address.

The she stopped responding for a few weeks. Even though I sent a note every week or so, just to let her know I was still interested, I figured she had decided we were done.

Last weekend she sent me a blank email with a document attached describing AvPD.

At first, I took that as a bold step on her part, sharing what had to be a very personal and private matter to let me know she was still around. I've dealt with friends and family trying to deal with OCD, Bipolar and Borerline PD so I had a bit of a clue (although every person is different, of course). I thought seriously and decided I still want to offer my friendship and support. (Yeah, I know, it will probably have some unusual angles, but I believe she's worth it.)

But now I'm worried that sending the document was the only way she could comfortably tell me she isn't interested and asking me to go away.

How would you interpret her actions? (I know, there are no guarantees here. I'm just hoping for a rough probability.)

Should I walk away, giving up on a friendship which might be of value to her? Or do I hang in there and risk being part of her problem instead of part of the solution? I fear I might be torturing her in my efforts to build a friendship.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

If she had wanted you to stay away from her, the most effective solution would have been to ignore you and continue not answering your emails. Putting an email adress on your spam list is no trouble at all.
So her sending you the document about AvPD might be an indication that she is still interested in you, but also wants you to know about her personality beforehand.
I guess the AvPDs here can give you more details about handling an avoidant. Just don't reject, push or critisize her in any way, these guys are sensitive as hell.

This is a toughie!! If you contact her too much you could be accused of stalking. If you don't do it enought she will figure you're not interested. I'm not sure how much I can help since I am an avoidant male. Many years ago I would run into women who were interested. I would always figure they would find someone better than me at some point so I never was very responsive. Women don't pursue much though. None of them asked me out. I don't know what I would have said. I remember one time I was tempted to give someone a copy og the Millon descrition of avpd. I felt bad about rejecting her. I didn't bother. I'm sure it would have been a major turn off for her.

Have you e-mailed her since she sent you the document? just tell her that you understand she has problems but that you like her and want to be her friend. If she responds fine. If she doesn't then forget about it.

sounds like she is interested in you in some way but having a hard time about it due to the anxiety. just try to be understanding, i dont think its a rejection, keep talking to her and hopefully she'll feel comftable with you over time. if your interested that is

Don't give up on her, but don't expect to have a normal friendship with her, either. I think her email was a sign that she trusts you and she wants to continue being your friend. Maybe she feels a lot of pressure to meet you again in person, but the anxiety is keeping her from it. So what do you do? Don't push her. Appreciate your friendship for what it is right now.

In my experience as an avoidant female, I start acting very strange when people try to get close to me. The words "We should hang out sometime" are my kryptonite. Sometimes I wish I could do something drastic to keep people away from me, but since I don't have a backbone, i just passive-aggressively ignore phone calls and emails.

If she wanted nothing to do with you anymore, she would have just dropped you by now.

ShadowTerra wrote:... Appreciate your friendship for what it is right now.

Wow. I can't believe this never crossed my mind, but it didn't! Live in this moment, what an idea! Thanks!

I've been keeping my pursuit of her as "casual" as possible -keeping the tone of my emails light and non-demanding, making sure NOT to show up where she hangs out when she's likely to be there. And I'll be more diligent about that now that I know about her condition (although I wish I knew more - how long, how severe, etc.).

I'll probably hang in another month or so, and try to keep it as casual and entertaining as possible. If it doesn't work out, oh well, it's a big planet with a lot of people on it ... a lot of potentially nice relationships just don't work out. I will wish her well and walk away.

So, is there any way of guessing how much of the positive vibe I was getting from her (in our one meeting and her emails) was just her masking her anxiety very skillfully?

I appreciate all the input so far and am open to anything additional. Thanks!

If you were to tell her that you want to be friends, she will interpret this as a sign that you will never be romantically attracted to her, and then she might further this notion a bit more by telling herself that you are only befriending her in order to assuage your own feelings of self-pity for her supposedly disgusting nature.

I am a socially nonanxious avoidant, and thus have the benefits of understanding both how AvPD'ers work, and how social interactions should occur.

Tell her this:

I know it's hard for you to tell someone like that. On one hand, I really don't want to smother you, nor to crowd you. I don't want to push you for intimacy so far that you feel turned off. On the other hand, I find you attractive as a friend and more, and you're AvPD status really doesn't change that -- your own intuitions might tell you that insecurity is a turn off, but you are a woman, and I am a man, and men and woman have different attractions -- insecurities are really not a turn off for me -- I just don't care too much about them.

I think maybe we should meet for a date sometime. If I took you to dinner, you'd have to sit across from me at the table, so you'd feel like I put you on the spot, wouldn't you? I wouldn't want to do that. Instead, we could go out on a date where you could relax. Maybe... we could see a comedian? Or a drive through movie? If you don't want to see a movie, or even if you do, there is still something else...

Do you have a screen name? It's much faster than email. We could talk sometime. It'd be like a real conversation... but you could see what you are saying before you say it, and so you wouldn't feel like I was putting you on the spot. You could relax. You could let your guard down... maybe. For me? Please? : - / We could be real friends. And just in case you were wondering, I believe that a friendship is only a friendship if it's forever and both people treat each other nicely at all times. No exceptions.

rad1ant wrote:So, is there any way of guessing how much of the positive vibe I was getting from her (in our one meeting and her emails) was just her masking her anxiety very skillfully?

I appreciate all the input so far and am open to anything additional. Thanks!

i dont think so man, that is probably how should would like to be all the time. but the negative thinking makes that hard. i would try and see her and make some kind of a move maybe. the thing is, she prolly aint ever gonna do anything like that! if you just play it to relaxed i can guarantee you zilch is gonna happen.

I agree that she is obviously interested in you (in some way)if not they wouldn´t bother sending you this text about avoidant personality disorder.
People here are giving you marvellous advices on how to approach to an avoidant girl. I agree with them.
But I´d like to give you another perspective. I´m not referring to this girl, but you. You have to take into account that many avoidants´relations are based on a dependency when they can cope with a relation (friendship or partnership)with someone they feel can trust in. It´s only a point I want you to know. I know you can help a lot to this girl.
Good luck!

Cirvante wrote: these guys are sensitive as hell.

Yeah, we are!