I'm completely cured

So I guess the first step to becoming "cured" (which according to psychology is not completely possible w/ personality disorders, but I'm here to argue that) was learning that there was a such thing as avoidant personality disorder. So, since it was a thought disorder, I learned that it was simply my own thoughts that made me "not as good as other people", or the one person on the planet that was completely disgusting and different from everyone else, not the fact that I was actually born that way (which I legitimately used to believe).

Then I worked on just trying to act outgoing like other people. Making small talk, waving and smiling at people, etc. That helped a little. I also saw a therapist, who frankly didn't help at all!

Everything changed when I had one single conversation with my roommate. We talked about death. I am only 22 and kind of had this mentality that I would live forever (not really, but for a VERY LONG TIME), and life would be one long torturous endeavor for me. In fact when death finally happened on its own it would have been kind of a relief. During our conversation I had some sort of epiphany- most things that most people care about during life are COMPLETELY insignificant. Many people pride themselves on their education, occupations, income, physical beauty, etc etc etc. Or they find the need to identify themselves with SOMETHING like their nationality, religion, social status, WHATEVER. However, when we die, NONE of that will matter. Not even a little bit. Everything you identified yourself with during life will be gone when you are. As the saying goes, "you can't take it with you". Then I started to think about this in terms of the world before me and the world after me. 100 years from now society will be completely different. I won't be around, and people will be worrying about and concerning themselves with different things than people today do.

All we are are people occupying this earth for a short time in relation to its own existence. There were other people before us and will be other people after us. Everybody who lives dies. It is impossible for people to be "better" or "inferior" to other people. We are all born in the same manner and we all die.

One day we will all be dead. You really do only live once. With the realization that none of this will matter when you die, you can simply relax and enjoy being alive. Humans are waaaay too influenced by society and other people. Once you realize that you are simply one of billions of humans living on this planet, and your sole purpose on this planet is just to live (like I said, occupation, social standing, whatever will not matter when you're gone), you cannot have low self-esteem.

You're here to enjoy life. If you do not let other people influence the way you feel about yourself, they really can't. Even if you had a social reaction that was poor, you need not blame yourself. If someone ever acts like they're "better" than you, isn't it sad for them that they do not realize that all we are are people living and while we're here we should all live peacefully appreciating the beauty in one another? Once you realize nothing matters and you're simply living, you really can live.

I've looked to God before through religions and it never clicked for me or helped. But I feel that through this realization I actually found myself and God. I need not identify with a religion, but I am at peace. I'm just another person living and enjoying my time here while I am. Nobody is better than me nor am I better than anyone else. We're all just people living. Who really knows the meaning of existence, but that's the beauty in it. We don't know what happens after we die, but we do know we won't be in this body in this life on earth anymore. So while you're here, enjoy it. Realize that nobody can define you. God is within you. You are a part of something larger and beautiful. Learn to appreciate yourself and with that you will never be in competition with others. It's pretty crazy that we only live once. So WHO CARES what other people think they cannot impact your beauty as a person.

Since this realization (about 6 mos ago) I've been on like a permanent high. Things that used to stress me out don't anymore. I don't care what people think. I love everyone and solely feel pity for those who do not realize the meaning in life and feel the need to harm others. Superficiality and the influence of my ego have left me. I've tried tons of new things (have re-learned piano, gotten quite good at painting, and learned to skateboard) and made many new friends. I used to think feeling like "happy" people was impossible.

TRY TO REACH THIS STATE YOURSELVES. Realize you'll only live once. Enjoy every moment. It's not hopeless. I know this was a bit cheesy, but I really can't believe how amazing I've felt without a second of feeling avoidant again. Help yourselves. Let me know if this helped at all. It really seems to be the only cure to me.

you know...you've made my day...
even i feel that this is the only way to cure this disorder,and maybe every disorder that exists[mental atleast].
taking medicines,going to a therapist...these are superficial methods of treatment which may seem to help for some time,but are incapable of addressing the root of this problem.
this is the real problem.that i find meaning,and some absolute meaning in things.that i feel that my attractiveness has some meaning,that my life is a very important thing.as if i know that if somebody thinks i am a fool,i would live forever with it.you say it very well.death is the greatest leveller.none of us has any idea about what this actually is.this life.where the heck did this begin.how.why.these are simply unanswerable questions.however many theories the scientists may be coming up with,is reason sufficient to decipher this chaos? i don't think so.i don't feel so.when i am dead,i would be simply gone.or i don't know.this same body which i find inferior to some people would be burnt,or would decompose.what the heck.every single man and woman who was born met the same fate.
those great artists,poets,writers,scientists,fuhrers...each one just disappeared.
this is so simple.everyone can see it.it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of all of it.when i see the sheer insignificance of my being[and this is not the insignificance that i usually feel when compared to confident,happy people],when i see that nobody[except a few people who know me] cares if i die or live,the sun does not care if i get hit by a train,the oceans don't care if i jump from a skyscraper.if there is any benevolent supreme being,an idea marketed by almost all religions,it does not give a damn.
holy $#%^,you have just...you know i have felt like this...i have felt this meaninglessness and triviality of my being,and there is no feeling more wonderful.when i can see all this like a bird.when i can just leave this cage that i have locked myself in.holy $#%^,i...what the ###$...the only problem is that slowly this high dies down...when i meet people,interact with them,i begin to see meaning in things again,all this society,the organizations,the institutions...every organized setup made by mankind is based upon meaning..and i just get drawn into this quick-sand again...and all i can feel is what people might think...how will they react...
but yes,right now,i am just...floating...why the ###$ are there not more people like you?
you are the best thing to have happened to me since i realized that i had this disorder.i know this being,which knows no meaning,which does not care about anything,which has no shape,no characteristic...this is in me...in everything...but it is always dominated by the subjective in me,the ego...
but you have awoken it again...oh baby,i love you...i just love you...
on reading the subject of this topic,i was feeling this would again be one of those experiences where people went to a therapist,or took some medication,or made some changes in their lifestyle,and thinking[some changes based upon the observations of a strictly rational mind],but this is just wonderful...
oh i love you...if only you were with me for all my life...but yes,you have made me so happy...this serenity...how i was yearning for it...

im not sure if any of that was sarcasm, but i sure hope not.

that one conversation w/ my roommate gave my life meaning and made the things i used to care about meaningless at the same time.

i used to be so insecure and felt i had so much to prove. my physical appearance (i felt) was the only redeeming quality i had. i used to dread the day that i would grow old and lose my appearance, because then i would be nothing.

i realized within one statement i made during that conversation ("wow, NONE of that actually matters when you die. nothing people care about will matter when we're dead")

i now have no worries. whatsoever. i'm just a person living, like every other person living. who knows what will happen to us when we die, but we sure as hell won't be here in the same life. so while we're here why torment ourselves with egotistical #######4?

enjoy everything life has to offer. all your senses. once we realize that we're only people, and many people (as i was) are simply misguided and lost trying to survive in society and prove themselves, we realize how silly that is. everything superficial has become very silly to me. the idea of money, celebrity, even watching tv seems funny to me.

we're all above mental illness. we're all above our own egos. try everyone to realize that your time here is short, you will be replaced with a whole new generation of people. while you're here enjoy other people and everything around you, including what you love to do. i feel an extreme genuine love for myself and a genuine love for others, which ive never felt before. if others are cruel to me, i just remember that they are not at the state of happiness that i have achieved. if they were, they would gain nothing of attempting to harm another.

your mental illness won't matter when you die! once you realize every single person is one, we are all the same, competition with others and a need for validation from others becomes completely insignificant and unnecessary.

think about it- who seem more happy? celebrities who are worshiped by others? (lindsay lohan, britney spears, michael jackson, etc) this cannot bring peace
or people who are genuinely at peace? (gandhi?)

once people realize their existence, and the mystery of god and the universe, they will realize we're all above anything standing in our way of complete happiness and bliss. its like being on a drug high, without drugs.

nothing can make one better than another. nothing. we are all born. we can all die.

oh and shoonya, thanks so much for your reply. i really hope that you continue to remember this on all of your days. only we can choose our own happiness. i am myself am proof. i sometimes get wrapped up in the superficial aspects of this world, but when i remind myself of this i cannot be sad.

good luck with everything. remember to enjoy your life as it is valuable and will only occur once. <3 to all

I understand what you're saying but I've always thought I was put here to do something special. I can't understand why I was given so many gifts if it wasn't because Im supposed to do something important to help people.

When I start thinking like that everything means something. Not because I feel important or special, but because I think everybody is important in their own way and Im supposed to help them.

I want my life to mean something. I don't just want to go quietly into the night. I want peace of mind but at the same time I want to accomplish as much as I can while Im here. For me personally thats being a police officer and saving lives. Trying to prevent evil people from hurting others.

I don't want to look back at my life when I'm 70 and think that I wasted it.

This is JMO but I think we're here to learn to love and protect each other as brothers and sisters, accept who we are as a person no matter what, and by our own free will choose to love God.

I think a lot of people in the world just don't care anymore. They can hurt other people and not think twice about it. A lot of us have met those people and thats probably the reason we have AVP. They hurt us so much its hard to get back to our feet.

Ultimately I think we should accept ourselves but at the same time realize that our lives have meaning and we shouldn't let other people determine how we're going to feel about ourselves. Thats why life is so hard, it has meaning and things matter, but you have to learn to realize what and who should matter to us. If it's somebody evil saying something stupid then you shouldn't even give them a second thought. Why should it matter what a idiot that you don't care about thinks of you?

no MargaretNoelle.i didn't mean to be sarcastic at any point.it was just that i was so elated to have found someone whose views resonated with mine,that i just lost myself,and went on writing like insane.
i had to visit a government office today,and i was dreading this visit since some days,but the magic of your words and what they awoke in me made it all like a cakewalk.i even went to a bank to get a long-stalled work done,the thought of which made me shiver before yesterday.and though there were awkward moments,i felt as if there was nobody to stop me.it was only me who was stopping myself.i even talked to strangers[although it was they who initiated the conversation],which i generally never do.i was mostly just floating.yes,a high is the word that comes first to the mind to describe this state.
and whenever there were some apprehensions in my mind,i just thought,okay,let me make a fool of myself.let them laugh.let me laugh.at the absurdity of it all.and one day,all that [atleast] is physical in me,in all people around me,would be gone.neither would they see me,nor would i;neither would they hear me,nor would i.and this mystery.this mystery of before birth,after death,isn't it the most wonderful thing?
and it is the way in which we have evolved that we have distanced ourselves from this mystery.societies based upon guilt and shame wreck a child's sense of mystery.and all we are brought upon is fear.fear of doing something wrong.and 'they' have defined what is right and what is wrong.fear of not performing upto expectations.and the way everything has been set up by mankind,it is as if everything is permanent.this illusion of permanency is what makes us feel ashamed or guilty.thinking that we would carry this burden forever.and to think of it,one day i am going to die,and so my perceived tormentors,and none of us knows what then.what mystery.holy $#%^.there are furious debates over cloning,extra-terrestrial life,about intelligence,beauty...and yet none of us has any idea what after death.
haha!
it is so simple.so evident.how can anyone not see it.my experience of life is mine,and mine only.and while i worry about what people would think of me,somebody's beloved is being killed in an accident,two people are making love,a lion is stalking its prey,a man is angry,a woman is sad,some trees are being cut...this chaos...and here i am,just seeing things while lying in this little cell.my prison.isn't it wonderful to see things from the bird's eye?
and i don't know if my life is valuable or not...i don't know if it is for once only...i don't know if there is anything absolutely right or wrong...i don't know what life is,what death is...what my hands,eyes,ears,nose mean...what the earth,sun,mars,pluto mean...i have no idea...this mystery...this mystery...
this mystery is the most beautiful thing...and what indescribable peace it brings...as if everything is in me...everything is just an extension of me...i am the drop that makes this ocean...
###$! some people would think i am mad...oh yes,i'm mad...###$ me!
i love you...

MargaretNoelle wrote:So I guess the first step to becoming "cured" (which according to psychology is not completely possible w/ personality disorders, but I'm here to argue that) was learning that there was a such thing as avoidant personality disorder. So, since it was a thought disorder, I learned that it was simply my own thoughts that made me "not as good as other people", or the one person on the planet that was completely disgusting and different from everyone else, not the fact that I was actually born that way (which I legitimately used to believe).

Then I worked on just trying to act outgoing like other people. Making small talk, waving and smiling at people, etc. That helped a little. I also saw a therapist, who frankly didn't help at all!

Everything changed when I had one single conversation with my roommate. We talked about death. I am only 22 and kind of had this mentality that I would live forever (not really, but for a VERY LONG TIME), and life would be one long torturous endeavor for me. In fact when death finally happened on its own it would have been kind of a relief. During our conversation I had some sort of epiphany- most things that most people care about during life are COMPLETELY insignificant. Many people pride themselves on their education, occupations, income, physical beauty, etc etc etc. Or they find the need to identify themselves with SOMETHING like their nationality, religion, social status, WHATEVER. However, when we die, NONE of that will matter. Not even a little bit. Everything you identified yourself with during life will be gone when you are. As the saying goes, "you can't take it with you". Then I started to think about this in terms of the world before me and the world after me. 100 years from now society will be completely different. I won't be around, and people will be worrying about and concerning themselves with different things than people today do.

All we are are people occupying this earth for a short time in relation to its own existence. There were other people before us and will be other people after us. Everybody who lives dies. It is impossible for people to be "better" or "inferior" to other people. We are all born in the same manner and we all die.

One day we will all be dead. You really do only live once. With the realization that none of this will matter when you die, you can simply relax and enjoy being alive. Humans are waaaay too influenced by society and other people. Once you realize that you are simply one of billions of humans living on this planet, and your sole purpose on this planet is just to live (like I said, occupation, social standing, whatever will not matter when you're gone), you cannot have low self-esteem.

You're here to enjoy life. If you do not let other people influence the way you feel about yourself, they really can't. Even if you had a social reaction that was poor, you need not blame yourself. If someone ever acts like they're "better" than you, isn't it sad for them that they do not realize that all we are are people living and while we're here we should all live peacefully appreciating the beauty in one another? Once you realize nothing matters and you're simply living, you really can live.

I've looked to God before through religions and it never clicked for me or helped. But I feel that through this realization I actually found myself and God. I need not identify with a religion, but I am at peace. I'm just another person living and enjoying my time here while I am. Nobody is better than me nor am I better than anyone else. We're all just people living. Who really knows the meaning of existence, but that's the beauty in it. We don't know what happens after we die, but we do know we won't be in this body in this life on earth anymore. So while you're here, enjoy it. Realize that nobody can define you. God is within you. You are a part of something larger and beautiful. Learn to appreciate yourself and with that you will never be in competition with others. It's pretty crazy that we only live once. So WHO CARES what other people think they cannot impact your beauty as a person.

Since this realization (about 6 mos ago) I've been on like a permanent high. Things that used to stress me out don't anymore. I don't care what people think. I love everyone and solely feel pity for those who do not realize the meaning in life and feel the need to harm others. Superficiality and the influence of my ego have left me. I've tried tons of new things (have re-learned piano, gotten quite good at painting, and learned to skateboard) and made many new friends. I used to think feeling like "happy" people was impossible.

TRY TO REACH THIS STATE YOURSELVES. Realize you'll only live once. Enjoy every moment. It's not hopeless. I know this was a bit cheesy, but I really can't believe how amazing I've felt without a second of feeling avoidant again. Help yourselves. Let me know if this helped at all. It really seems to be the only cure to me.

I'm reading though this and it ain't helping. I'm glad it worked for you. I felt at one time that I was well on my way to getting over avpd. But when life gets difficult the avpd rears it's ugly head.

Superman23 brought up what I think is a crucial balancing argument to MargaretNoelle's. Like the movie Fight Club illustrates pretty damn well - we all want to be special. We all pick and choose things in life to define and identify us, our friends, our clothes, our tastes, everything personalized - and then we try to kill ourselves. We reach a mid-life crisis and nothing's how it's supposed to have been. Why are we so unhappy trying to be special? Because we aren't. No matter how hard we try, we are not going to reach that golden point where we believe we have become the person we always wanted to be.

Freeing yourself from the need to be special, to have meaning - is the first step to escaping the prison of human existence. Those of us who don't find Margaret's post liberating (I am one of those who, while we believe there is no objective meaning to life, can't just live as if it is meaningless), we need to find our own meanings. Me, I want to achieve things and make what I feel is a difference to the world. I know I may harm instead of help people, and that no matter what I do the mark I make will be so miniscule, and time so great, that it might as well be nothing - but it is still something! I will have done my best. And that gives me the drive to live. I hope to have been there for someone in this time, spoken my mind when others were afraid to, built something that resonates for generations. I will be happy with myself. I will have no more regrets. Without these aspirations, I don't have the strength to live a life that, to the universe, is meaningless. I don't believe in god. I don't believe in reincarnation. I find no solace in thinking things will be ok as long as I hang on, that that's good enough - because I am my only judge. I set my own standards based on my goals, feelings and endless curiosity about the world.
From one measly human's point of view, other people's opinions matter. They can tell us crucial things, open our minds to worlds of ideas, shatter our world views. They're just an incredibly stormy sea to learn to sail - they follow a logic, even if it's unknown to us, even if their conclusions are wrong. Get to know the beast and figure out which parts you need to listen to and which is just there to harm you (and which parts are just interesting brain food to mull over), and you know how to be a human being. Knowing how to live in our skins, I guess, is key - having a purpose but being prepared to lose it all, being prepared to die in the midst of living.

i doubted from the moment i read the original post that not many people would relate to it and/or find it helping them in any way.and my surprise at reading this post was even greater because these words came from a western woman.now i don't mean to stereotype the immensely diverse and rich area of western thought,but i find it difficult to believe that the foundation of the majority of western thought is not reason and logic.
although my views here are a simple generalization of the vast expanse of western thought,this is the only way in which i feel i can say what i want to say.
the idea of the individual is central to western thinking.and the individual is perceived as an entity distinct from every other entity.the western thought stresses on making goals,finding meaning in things[atleast trying],and striving ethically to achieve those goals.
now i found this basic idea behind all the replies i found to the original post.that they believed in the individual and that the individual is special,and even if there is no meaning,must strive to find her own meaning and do something.yes,do something.this is the most prominent thing.to do something.action.everything here is doing oriented.
'i am here.without any doubt.and i must do something.something that will mean.something that will change.something that will be remembered,appreciated,or even loathed,but something that will make an impression.'
the inherent idea is to find or make meaning.as if that is a method of validating our existence.
but what i saw in the original post,and found it resonating with me was a surrender to chaos.i know the very word 'surrender' paints a negative picture in the rational mind.a picture of defeat,hopelessness,helplessness.it signifies weakness.surrendering implies letting go of the idea of the individual as a distinct identity.and that is something vehemently opposed to the very basis of western thought.and that is what brings confusion,and justifiably,opposition from the rational mind.
what i inferred from MargaretNoelle's words was a need to relinquish the idea of the individual as a chosen being.a special being meant to perform some very important,praiseworthy task.and the very idea that one should be remembered through generations is the cause of this false sense of permanence.which gives birth to fear.fear of doing something 'wrong' because it will remain etched forever.and this is what leads to inhibition,and avoidance.
but i can identify myself with a sub-school of western thought-absurdism.
in which all efforts to find meaning are futile,and it is not necessary to[although one can] find meaning.it is one step short of nihilism,but one step further than the conformism of existentialism.
all i can see around me is chaos.sheer incomprehensibility.i associate meaning with things[and i do] because we have evolved in a way which has made survival impossible if one does not learn to do so.but that there is some absolute meaning,i don't think so.even i see the sun rising and setting,the seasons coming and going,that people are born and die...and maybe there is some pattern...but i can not be sure of it.
that is one fundamental aspect of eastern thought.that here,contradictions are accepted.and it is the presence of contradictions that shows the chaos of the existence.and the existence of chaos.
and what peace this surrendering to chaos begets.when this futile fight against meaninglessness ends.when the individual dissolves.and the drop becomes the ocean.
haha!
bretoody my friends!
brehomo those baltinds behind your koterdins
artrais is the day of poppadoot
it comes,
it comes vagilzing in your lobagees
so fotrigo,and fotrigo,and fotrigo...

Meh, logically knowing that nothing is permanent and we're all equal in death and everything doesn't really make me feel better about the fact that I have 3 friends who are all moving on without me, I have no skills or talents or passions and I'm floundering through community college while most of my class is studying in other countries and about to graduate from good colleges and universities, and I work a food service job where customers treat me like human trash because I wear a uniform. I'm only human, and it's only natural to see the world on a human time scale and want to be special during our lives and see events that occur in our lives as significant.