by ninphm » Tue Jul 21, 2009 3:40 am
The only one I found to be decent was a free one. I have to say I get a reasonable amount of interest on there. I almost never make the first contact either. I'm not inundated with messages or anything but I do get quite a few. They seem to come in waves. I can go months with nothing and then I'll have like 8 different people trying to talk to me. As far as the quality of the people go, it varies. Some are not very attractive but many are nice. I'm very picky, personality wise, however so I've only bothered to meet maybe five people total. One I really liked but she clearly wasn't interested in me when she realized I wasn't a talkative maniac when I first meet people. The others I met up with I decided I didn't like that much so I didn't pursue it although they made it clear I could have. It's a mixed bag. Most of the people on these sites are amazingly lame beyond belief. Incredibly superficial or just not at all what I would want to be around. Most appear to be liars. I can let looks slide a bit for a winning personality though. The problem is finding that right kind of personality. There aren't tons of people like us who also have the same interests each of us do. You also have to take into account the fact that it's most likely that the vast amount of people with AvPD will NEVER join a dating site for fear of rejection so you're not likely to find the people you seek anyway.
I'd also like to state the obvious. To anyone here that gives these places a go, you must NOT mention anything about AvPD or any other mental health issue. If you do you will be glossed over immediately. You are thinking that if you do list that then other avoidants can find you, but, like I said, they generally aren't on there so you're posting a big black X over your profile by doing that. Remember, avoidance is NOT your identity. It's a personality problem that needs to be overcome. You cannot overcome it if you keep telling strangers that's how you identify yourself. You have to try and get out and meet people. It's hard. I know. BUt none of us will ever get any better if we don't try. Some of you are thinking "I don't look good enough. I can't get anyone." Well, the sad fact of life is that most people really do judge on looks. We all do it to some degree. If you really think you can't get the kind of people you feel attracted to looks wise then you need to aim a little lower. My friend describes it as "get in where you fit in". I think you'll be surprised at some of the awesome people out there who aren't the societal definition of "good looking". I've dated some very good looking women, I don't know how the hell I got them but I did. It baffles the crap out of me. But you know what? The best, most awesome women I've been with were not "hot". They were just OK looking at best and they were great, at least until everything went to crap of course, but you get the point. You need to sell yourself. That's VERY hard for us but that's what you need to do. Keep this point in mind: Express who you really are without exposing any "negative" qualities. Show the world the real you, the one you hide away. That's who you REALLY are, not this avoidant individual that's imprisoned you. And one more thing...go slow! Do not get super chatty with someone up front and do not constantly message someone. You don't want to come off as desperate or needy. Yes, some of us joke on here that we don't have a life, but the LAST thing you want to do is make someone else think that about you.
So what you're thinking to yourself right now is "So you want me to lie?"
No. I'm saying hide the bad part and show of all the good parts. Show people who the real you is. And after some time you may be surprised at the results you start to get. Remember, it's not easy for the average person to find someone they really like and it's even harder for an avoidant but that doesn't mean it can't be done. Why are we here? Do we want to get better or do we want to identify ourselves with this? I challenge all of us, male and female, to give it a go. Set goals. Meet a certain amount of people face to face in a set time period. Nothing crazy. How about something as little as 1 or 2 people a year? That's a low number. Surely any of us can do that if we really try. I was horrified when I started doing this but I can say it actually gets a little better each time. I'm not a success story but I'm working on it. I think every one of us in here can do this. I really do.
Last edited by
ninphm on Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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