Are you able to forgive people for insensitive remarks?

Parador wrote:

blob wrote:

Parador wrote:I suppose one stupid comment is not so bad. But how many times should you let someone say rude things before you cut them out of your life?

77 times.

That is far too many. I would have chopped her up with a dull steak knife by that time.

Its actually from the bible, I misquoted, you should forgive them up to 70 times 7 (=490). I guess she would be in a blender by then.

But in all seriousness do you really think you should have a logical rule for how many times someone can accidently hurt you? If you accidently hurt her, would you be okay if she broke off contact with you? What are the costs of having this rule? Could you have more fun with a person if you knew you could forgive them for certain transgressions? If you really forgive someone, you can't be keeping a tally in your head imo.

Is this lady the type of person who might think "hehehehe I'm going to remind him about how little he earns". If that were really true, you wouldn't be friends with that person to begin with. Maybe she was like "only 5000 dollars, does this guy know how much a hip replacement costs?"

srry to lecture you. I'm actually not sure when to burn and not burn bridges. But sometimes I think I let something in the past relating to other people contaminate current relationships. In reality, I guess you got to actually confront the person to figure out whether they are full of sh*t, which is what you did ... hmmmm....when you told her off, did you learn anything about her?

If you accidently hurt her, would you be okay if she broke off contact with you?

There are people who do that. There's a cool story about the pianist / composer Sergei Prokofiev. He played a concert of one of his concerti. After the concert the pianist/composer rachmaninoff told him that he had played well. Prokofiev said " You thought I was capable of playing badly?!" He never spoke to Rachmaninoff again. OK - that's totally nutty.

I guess there was only one other time when this woman was a bit obnoxious. I never should have admitted to her about not voting. One time I was in a car with her and a couple of her friends and I said something about some political issue. She didn't agree I guess - she said I didn't have any right to say anything because I don't vote.

But at some point you have to beak from people who are being jerks. I have finally decided not to be friends with my lazy coworker. I talk about her in my other thread. She works 2 hours a day and gets paid for 8. Then she has the nerve to complain about the storehouse clerk not being available when she needs him. She's WAY worse than he is. I used to be friends with her. I would take her to the opera on her birthday. I don't want to be friends with someone hwo is so lazy and shiftless.

I have a tendency to magnify small stupid commentaries, such us this one, you´re old lady friend said to you. I would understand this situation as a personal attack. You have three possibilities, always taking account that you value your friendship: Talk to her and say that you didn´t like her commentary or express you´re disagreement, replay with a sarcastic commentary in order that she realised that you didn´t like what she has said or finally, taking it as a personal affront and put it in your bad experiences rucksack forever.

Anyway, don´t take account of what I say because my social abilities are not the best.

The last posts remind me a commentary from a friend of my adolescence that hurt me so much and that I think was a knife in my self-esteem.
I used to have a band of friends with my bother; but I had a best friend at school and she wanted to introduce her band of friends. In this band were all older than me. After several meetings, I ask my friend if I was please (or get on well- I never know how to express this) them. She said that I have pleased them but that they didn´t like some of my commentaries. I asked her, what kind of commentaries? and she answerd me with vague words. She never specified. I was a little angry with her but I never stopped to consider her my best friend. Nonetheless, her commentary is still in my suckrack of bad memmories. The worst of that is that I believed her and I blamed my way.

I don´t believe that my friend said this with bad intention. I´m sure that she was being sincere, but I would have prefered she didn´t say anything, even that she lied. Because, each time I went out with her band of friends I was really worried and always with this &&&&& commentary rounded my mind.

I think I can forgive people but I find it hard to forget. Not because I wanna hang onto issues but because some of the remarks hurt so bad. However, in time, I find that time does heal old wounds. I guess one can only learn not to hurt other people the same way he/she has been hurt. Too bad that those who seem as if they can't hurt a fly are the same people who get swatted like flies, with hurtful words. Makes one wanna hit back.Okay, maybe I should slow my roll here.

blob wrote:

Parador wrote:I suppose one stupid comment is not so bad. But how many times should you let someone say rude things before you cut them out of your life?

77 times.

7 x 70 = 490

I think a lot of this type of thing boils down to boundary issues and commanding and/or demanding respect from others.

I'm lucky I have my husband around to observe mentally healthy behavior in. In my observations, I see him having responses to situations with other people, that are automatic trigger reactions which will put up an immediate wall not allowing the other person to advance any furthur with an inappropriate remark, comment or action. I'm still trying to figure out where this ability in him comes from, as I'd like to administer it myself during occasions calling for the need of it. The funny thing is,he really has no idea that this is a technique or ability, that he can do this. It's something that I feel is as ingrained in him, as much so as the reactions that I have to indignities are ingrained in me, that are directly the opposite of his (most of the time). I use his behavior and reactions as a template I employ when I'm uncertain of what reaction would best serve me.

And that is the bottom line: what serves you best? If a person is toxic, and repeteadly so, then is it in your best interest to have this person continuously undermine your efforts for a happy existence? The best course, I suppose is to determine when to pick your battles. The small stuff may not be worth your precious energy, and no amount of protestation will be anything other than adding kindling to a burning fire, a fire that may burn you in the outcome.

Humans will be humans, as much so, they will be animals too, in that a pecking order will be observed. Have you ever had a few pets at home, and one becomes old and ill, or just sick? I've noticed that the sick one will get F***** with, and the others will often pick on the weaknes, in an attempt to alter the pecking order to compete for the top position. Humans will do the same thing. People can manipulate, push buttons, bait and tease their way into being the superior one in a given situation. Maybe it's because they have baggage issues of their own, feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem, or ulterior motives. Sometimes it's a mystery as to why people will do what they do. But it's not our job to figure that out. Our job is to maintain our self and our own happiness, regaurdless of how others will react to that.

In answer to the original question: yes, I often do find it difficult to forgive other's treading upon my boundaries. But I also have the knowledge that it's more important at times for me to expend my energy in positve way, rather then to call them on some stupid remark. I allow them that remark, but I do keep a talley of how many of these remarks I will tolerate. The number will be random, and is directy connected with my own personal comfort zone, and how important the person is to me.

Emotions are not right or wrong, they just ARE. They exist and can be coped with to varying degrees. I do believe that an exploration of what your boundaries are, and what you're willing to tolerate, is helpful and will give you the tools to recognise in future interactions how to best deal with insensitive comments. I myself practice human interaction transgressions upon situations like the ubiquitous rude clerks or customer service relations people I encounter in the retail world. I worked many years in retail, and I know professionalism when I see it, so I therefore know when my boundaries are being tread upon in that type of scenario. I only wish i knew it better when dealing with others on a more personal basis .

I try to work on recognising that I never have to explain something I do in my life to any person, if it's not something directly involving them or hurting them in any way. If you want to buy a car with cash, that's your own business, and not the right of another to act as personal financial adviser to you. I should think a blantant stare with puzzling disdain and an internal shrug of indifference coupled with a barrier of silence, would suffice as an appropriate reaction (I'm envisioning how my husband might react). Not worth the trouble of even ackowledging a fruitless and insensitive comment such as this...JMHO.

Good luck with your teeth, that must be very painful to deal with and hope you can get those fixed soon. I do empathise with you.

To answer the headline of the thread no. If someone insults me, tries to control or influence me or does anything that gives me cause to feel threatened or bad about myself, they gain my eternal emnity.

Life's too short to liberaly hand out forgiveness but that said, I will always be merciful in other respects e.g I wouldn't willingly see a person (even an enemy) starve, be abused, or even go without tobacco, if it were in my power to help them.

Hmm, the insensitive remarks usually come from me. So am I forgiven? Would be interesting to know. I guess it creates a certain distance which I find convenient.