Is this part of Avoidant Peronality or am I just a freak?!

I have an unbelievably hard time talking about my feelings with anyone. I will NOT show vulnerability, nor will I talk about my personal feelings in depth. If I ever feel like I got too personal with someone, I will later dwell on how STUPID I feel. I am close with no one other than my family. But even talking about my deepest feelings with my family is impossible for me! Today I got caught up in the moment, and I was talking to my sister about some pretty deep things. Now I am here regretting some things I said SO much..... and I don't know why.

I feel humiliated, dumb and full of regret because I opened up too much. The thing is, she is my SISTER. She won't "reject" me or make fun of me, but I still feel ashamed about opening up to her...even though I trust her. It is the same with crying. I will not cry in front of anyone. If even a family member sees me cry I feel so humiliated afterward, to the point where I will constantly dwell on it.

Every time I try to explain this problem, no one EVER understands me. I don't even understand why I am this way. Whenever I show any sign of vulnerability, the humiliation I feel after an be crippling. I don't know why this happens to me. Is this part of being an avoidant?! I feel so so so bad right now about this....

Welcome to the club
I'm the same way. I'm even afraid of opening up to a therapist...
which is why I've never been to one

I've never been diagnosed as "avoidant" but I'll bet I could be.

shhhshhh wrote:Welcome to the club
I'm the same way. I'm even afraid of opening up to a therapist...
which is why I've never been to one

I've never been diagnosed as "avoidant" but I'll bet I could be.

Thank God someone knows what I'm saying! And me too with the therapist thing. I tried to go once, and then totally lied when asked any really personal questions. I stopped going once I realized I was not going to open up.

There has to be something more to this disorder than what is frequently said about it. Yes I am a very self conscious person and I care too much about what others think. But even if I know someone will accept me, I still can't open up completely to them. I cannot for the life of me understand why.

babyborn wrote:
There has to be something more to this disorder than what is frequently said about it. Yes I am a very self conscious person and I care too much about what others think. But even if I know someone will accept me, I still can't open up completely to them. I cannot for the life of me understand why.

First off, I don't like the labeling of all these psychological disorders. Avoidant, Schizoid, etc. Nobody is going to automatically fall into a prescribed category with their mental state. It's all on a sort of sliding scale.

I don't for the life of me know how to deal with all this though. I don't like the idea of going on anxiety meds or something like that.

shhhshhh wrote:

babyborn wrote:
There has to be something more to this disorder than what is frequently said about it. Yes I am a very self conscious person and I care too much about what others think. But even if I know someone will accept me, I still can't open up completely to them. I cannot for the life of me understand why.

First off, I don't like the labeling of all these psychological disorders. Avoidant, Schizoid, etc. Nobody is going to automatically fall into a prescribed category with their mental state. It's all on a sort of sliding scale.

I don't for the life of me know how to deal with all this though. I don't like the idea of going on anxiety meds or something like that.

I agree. I hate the labeling as well.

It took me a while to know if I had this disorder because some of the symptoms on certain websites weren't me. Coming on this forum though...I've never been more sure that this is what I have. Some of these people are writing my biography on here

I am exactly the same way. We walk around with these masks over our faces because if someone rejects you, you can find a little relief in the idea that theyre rejecting the mask, not you. Its a learned defense mechanism thats the result of constant rejection. Ive also gone too far in exposing myself at times, and everytime I do, it feels like I get stabbed for sticking my head out too far.

I over perceive and over analyze everything.

Yeah, I've become this way as well.

I even went as far as to practice stoicism. It was a mistake. I try to be more open now, but it is difficult. Like you, I have tendency to blurt out too much when I do open up. Which in turn, tends to shut my mouth as a result.

Either way I am screwed. Either I am too unemotional and scare people off or reveal too much too soon and scare people off.

This is certainly a quality most avoidants have, though I believe it is common among many diagnoses, rather than exclusive to AvPD. I have great difficulty opening up to people, as well, though not quite in the same way or for the same reasons as you, I think. For me it is more fear and the idea that it is bad/selfish to talk about my problems, and it sounds like it is more of an issue of showing weakness, unless I misunderstood you because vulnerability and fear are obviously related, even if slightly different.

It is very good that you at least recognize that your feelings about opening up aren't reasonable (such as realizing that you're sister wouldn't do anything to hurt you if you reveal something). It is still at least one step closer to being able to open up, even if it isn't helping you out too much right now. Learning why you do things is important, though.

As far as diagnoses, they serve mostly a practical purpose. Of course you cannot perfectly categorize mental illnesses and put people in nice, neat little boxes where every sufferer is exactly the same, but most psychologists, certainly competent ones, realize this. That is why no mental illness diagnosis requires the patient to fit all diagnostic criteria. The diagnoses certainly need improvement and revamping too, but that will come as psychologists learn more. Without diagnostic criteria, it would be impossible to perform useful research into what kind of therapies can help certain patients. So you don't have to take a diagnosis as a label, they are simply just useful to psychologists one some levels.

"I will NOT show vulnerability, nor will I talk about my personal feelings in depth."

I totally agree with the statement. Fear and pride maybe. Has anyone fought the urge to keep to themselves and opened up repeatedly until it became comfortable/truthful?

I also have a hard time opening up.

Even when close friends and family have been pressing me, asking what's wrong or if I'm okay when I'm obviously not.
I can feel the tears well up behind my eyes.
I wish I could talk about my feelings or troubles, but just can't seem to let people in.
I always say "I'm fine" or "every things fine" and smile (however unconvincingly).

I like to write down my worries. It gives me time to reflect.
But it seems a little self indulgent at times, so finding this place where I can get some feed back and remain anonymous is great.

More on this, do you tell people secrets?
I've had my confidence betrayed a couple of times in the past and will probably not tell secrets to people ever again.
Also, when told a secret does it annoy you if they then go and announce it to everyone? I would never break confidence, and could quite easily take a secret, however small, to the grave.