Healing relations with my AvPD Ex

I am wondering if any of you might have some advice for me. I have been in an on-off relationship with an AvPD guy for a year and a half. The first "off" was him running away because he was afraid, the second was me because I needed to get a divorce (i was separated but still too intangled). We resumed the relationship and it was great until several stressful things came up at once and I was struggling to make time for myself and for the relationship and so I asked to take some time (several weeks) away so I could focus on dealing with these things (big things - graduate school finals and licensing exams, my child, my health) as well as my need to "people please" with my ex (who I unfortunately depend on to help with parenting during this hectic time) at the expense of time for myself and this new relationship. A few days after this talk he told me he was too threatened by my ex and didn't think he would ever feel safe and that he did not want to be in the relationship anymore.

It is unfortunate that we met when we did - both graduate students with a ton of pressure and me transitioning out of a marriage and trying to figure out how to co-parent without being intangled. It has been incredibly difficult. But I do know that I love this guy very much. He is so good to me, and generally, I am to him, although I know I was struggling to be "at my best" with so much pressure on me. When things have been less stressful, though, we have had an amazing connection and a relationship filled with love and empathy.

I am dealing with my side of the fence now, and realize it may be too late for this relationship. However, he recently indicated he might feel differently after our exam are over in June and I, too, am hopeful we might have a chance to reconnect when we are under less pressure and I have made more room in my life for sustaining a fulfilling, meaningful relationship with someone.

Is there anything that can help re-ignite love and intimacy when it has been compromised with an AvPD? I would love to hear from anyone who is willing to share.

The general attitude following a rejection is that you will never forgive the person, whereas this attitude is remediated into a mindful state of naive hope when you are given some kind of sufficiently strong rebuff, like attention or flattery, which you view as a direct compensation/apology for what has made you feel unsafe. This is probably what happened.

Most AvPD's, I'd imagine, have little capacity to 'feel' beyond their given circumstances at any moment -- on one hand, this appears as if the AvPD will split and never speak to you again at any turn of the corner, whereas on the other hand, their mood can be considered hypersensitive to flattery... unfortunately when you go for advice about this, most people will emphasize how hypersensitive they are to criticism while ignore how hypersensitive they also are for flattery.

In other words, perhaps you should try to charm him back into the relationship. If there is one thing an avoidant likes, except the avoidants who want whom they can't have, it is an aggressive, flattering, ultraextraverted outwardly-confident partner who is inwardly-insecure, but only for the avoidant, and with an equal intensity of insecurity that possesses the avoidant for his/her partner.

Ask him out on a date repeatedly. Flirt with him when you see him. To be consistent is central, though. Don't forget that. You can't give him some ostensibly platitudinal excuse such as 'I'm really stressed out right now';

(thought) "You are? You could be stressed out anytime, anyone could. If your natural reaction is to reject me, this is a situation where I could be rejected at any time for any reason beyond my own control."

Give him that excuse again and he will unlikely follow after you. You must show him consistency and dedication.