Do you consider yourself a failure?

Does a sense of impending doom count?

I don't think I've failed yet, but I feel it is inevitable. I just want to write fiction, but I'm arrogant, unexceptional, and have a viewpoint no one is interested in.

Regardless I think if I'm going to keep at it, if I'm not closer to my ideal status in 12 years I think I can officially call myself a failure.

Yep. This may be a long one.

27 here, in the last two years, I managed to stop going to college (i was in my last year) and to separate myself entirely from all my friends. I'm living with my parents, but I did live on my own for a full year (probably my best year ever).

broke up with my girlfriend and have had sex exactly once since then. the most frightening part is that i don't miss it (and i think porn is lame) so i basically became an asexual being. my dreams do miss it though.

i do have a driver's license, but yeah, around 2 years ago, I was at my best friend's graduation party and as I departed, I went into 'subconscious-suicide mode' and totaled my father's car (which luckily was insured) into an obelisk (!)- the doctors and my family who saw the car all said I was lucky to be alive (there were no air bags and i had 'pimped my ride' into a a box). That kinda traumatized me. No more driving for me, although I wasn't charged with a DUI or anything like that. Of course, there was alcohol involved here as it was in many other screw-ups.

i've been in drunk fights/heated arguments in bars near my place with dangerous people, and now I'm afraid of getting out of the house (before, I didn't exactly like going out, but now I'm terrified) and being recognized. so i'm growing a mustache as a rather pitiful attempt at a 'disguise', working out at home and giving it time.

Then I decided to destroy a picture-frame of myself doing judo at 10 - because I hated doing that thing and the ugly boy in the picture used to bring me all sorts of bad memories. I did feel a second of satisfaction there as I 'karate-chopped' it to pieces.
Dude...

A few days later I had to be rushed to the hospital and put in a chair to be rehydrated, as I was suffering from chronic liver damage. Alcohol and drug (psychiatric ones as well!) abuse led to this, my own fault. Now I can't drink or eat stuff I like. Though I guess being a non-drinker is really a blessing in disguise.

Oh and my teeth are sorts of f***** up and I have stated that I will only go to the dentist if they have NO2 or some sort of powerful anesthetic. I'm just glad I still have my lungs or else I'd go nuts. But I really never look further than the next day now. As long as I'm not in pain (physical or emotional) that's good enough for me.

But if you asked me, "Would you go back?" to any time in my life, I'd reply with a "Thanks, but no thanks". So I feel like a survivor who really doesn't deserve to survive.

Best
uni