Newbie - do you think I have AvPD? (long post!)

Hi all,

Well, where to start? I've always struggled socially and have been a loner for most of my life. Recently I've been having problems at work because I'm so introverted, to the extent that I think that I'm going to lose my job.

I heard about aspergers and thought that I could have that. When I looked in to it further I found info on AvPD and it was like everything suddenly made sense! At first I was relieved that I knew why I am the way I am. However, recent events at work are making me feel that I have to do something about this, as my behaviour is actually making people avoid me now.

So to the beginning. As a child I always felt isolated. I felt that my mother resented me, as she was always horrile to me as a child so I stayed out of her way. I was always told off for nothing and she would be in a bad mood for days, even weeks on end. It was easier to keep out of her way and occupy myself. Away from home, I experienced bullying at school, as I am mixed race and was at a totally white school. I have an unusual surname, which meant that I would always cringe with embarrassment each time anyone tried to pronounce my name and failed. This was a source of much amusement to my peers at school.

At elementary school, I had just one close friend and we did everything together. My parents said that she was possessive of me as she did not like me playing with anyone other than her. Just before we finished elementary school she moved away and I was left alone. It was at this point in my life that I realised that I had some problem socialising and interacting with others. I want to join in, but I don't know how.

My teachers said that I completely lacked emotion, which is true as I keep my emotions to myself. I just didn't know what to say to people or how to join in a conversation. If someone asked me a question I would just answer as quickly as I could and then be unable to think of anything to say. Then I would panic about not saying anything and that would make it more difficult to think about what to say. The whole time this is going on I'm worrying about how the other person must think that I'm boring or a complete freak. I worry so much about what to say that I can't concentrate on speaking and often stutter or forget words. When I'm introduced to new people, I immediately forget their names as I stop hearing what I'm told because I'm worrying too much about having to say something and appear interesting.

I've gone on for so long that I'll fast forward a couple of decades! I still have the same problem, but it is really affecting my career. I've been with my current employer of 18 months. It doesn't help that my team have all worked together for several years and are all really close friends. I'm endlessly being told off by my boss and others have suggested that she is bullying me, but I think that this is because of how I behave.

This week I was told off for sitting back in a meeting and not doing anything. I had actually done loads of really good stuff, but I didn't want to say anything incase it was rejected. My boss then said that my colleagues think that I'm a "light-weight" and that they can ignore what I say and get away with it because I won't kick up a fuss about it. I was so upset at what was being said, but couldn't manage to say anything in my defence to prove that she was wrong.

I never go on any social events as having to interact with others scares the hell out of me. I recently had to go to a colleagues wedding and it was the worst day of my life. I kept going off to walk around the building to hide the fact that I was standing alone. When people tried to engage me I wouldn't know what to say and they'd then latch on to someone else instead after standing in silence with me.

The last straw for me was yesterday. We had to go out for drinks after work as 10 of my colleagues were made redundant yesterday. I didn't want to go, but it was one of those occasions that you have to go to or be slagged off for not being supportive. Anyway, there were several reserved tables for our company. I went and sat down at one and then every single other table filled up before anyone came to join me.

I have to do something about this now or else I'm not going to have a job for much longer. I am actually very good at what I do and I work very hard, it's just the whole social / communication bit that I can't do. I'm actually quite a positive person too.

I have had similar problems in other jobs, but this job requires much more team working than I've ever known and I just don't know how to speak to people. The situation is getting worse the longer it goes on and now people have stopped trying to include me, which is just making me think that they hate me.

Sorry to go on so much - I can talk all day in text form, I just wish that I could in person!

It seems that you have many traits of AvPD, so it is possible, but I am not competent to judge. You are best off talking with a professional, because it apparently takes time (interviews and tests) to determine if you have a personal disorder (that is what my therapist told me at least).

I can relate to many things you wrote about yourself. I am recently self-diagnosed too and have just started therapy so I am also not 100% sure if I have AvPD. Hopefully, more experienced posters will be able to tell you more.

Wish you all the best in finding a way to feel better.

Getting a proper diagnosis is my next step, but I'm scared that no-one will understand. I almost never go to the doctors for anything through fear that the the doctor will regard my symptoms as trivial.

I know that nothing will change until I take that step but I'm so anxious about it incase I'm not taken seriously or come across as a hypercondriac.

I understand you. I just cannot talk to psychiatrists about my real problems if i don't trust them enough or if i see that they don't care, and I also feel like hypochondriac. First few times i only said that i have problems studying, so they would sent me home with xanax But last time I had terrible anxiety symptoms that i just had to do something about it as i couldn't function properly anymore. So I just started talking about the worst ones. I was also shaking and trembling so that made them aware that something is wrong with me. Not that she cared much, but she gave me better meds and hooked me with another therapist that so far seems great.

I am now on Lexapro (which according to wikipedia is more efficient with less side effects than Effexor), and I did notice a difference, but only a slight one.

Fraggle, just don't mess with drugs on your own. I didn't want to go to a therapist anymore and continued taking xanax - after a while it just got worse.

I vote for going to a phychiatrists and follow a psychotherapy. It also seems to me that you are an avoidant. I can see many symptons of AvdPD in your post.
I´m an avoidant and I can relate many things you explain since your childhood. For example, your mother bahaviour. In my case, was my father who always be very judgmental with me and very distant. I have learnt that the rejection of a parent is pretty or what you live as a rejection is the cause of many problems. In the same way, overprotector parents.

Don´t be afraid to go to an especialist, he/she will understand you.
Good luck!