What are your reasons for not reaching out to friends?

Currently I have friends and some acquaintances who I've managed to stay in contact with. My normal procedure is to panic and hide when people express an interest in being friends outside of class etc.

Avoidant reasons:
--I don't want to bother them/I shouldn't waste their time
--I don't want to wear out my welcome
--They'll think my idea for what to do is dumb (I tend to let other people do the inviting/planning for this reason)
--They might invite other people and I won't be able to be myself
--If it's an old friend, they might interrogate me about what I'm doing now and then criticize me
--I'm testing them to see if out of sight=out of mind
--I fear that they're only inviting me out of pity so I try to save them the trouble
--The good ol' "If they get to know me better they won't like me anymore"
--I don't drive (because of avoidance-related crap)

Non avoidant reasons (more anxiety related):
--It's too hot and I sweat too much
--My hair/clothes/appearance aren't "right", thus I'll be criticized or mocked (only a real threat with other females, but I fear it with my male friends as well)
--I'm an introvert anyway
--When I'm depressed, I don't see the point/don't have the energy for putting up the happy, funny facade

ShadowTerra wrote:Non avoidant reasons (more anxiety related):
--It's too hot and I sweat too much

This one kills me the most I swear =S

When I lived with my parents my house was always set to like 68 degrees or something super low, so I am very used to low temps. Normal temps tend to make me a bit warm, and any sort of anxiety or pressure means I start to sweat like crazy. Sometimes it turns into a vicious cycle where, a tiny bit of discomfort causes me to sweat, and because I am sweating I get more uncomfortable which causes me to sweat more.......

I remember this thread. All I put down was that I don't really have friends. Now I have proof. I've been suspended from work for 3 weeks now and NOBODY - none of my work "freinds" - has even called me to ask how I'm holding up.

THAT'S a major reason for not reaching out. You can reach out and get slapped in the face.

WafflesAreGood wrote:

ShadowTerra wrote:Non avoidant reasons (more anxiety related):
--It's too hot and I sweat too much

This one kills me the most I swear =S

When I lived with my parents my house was always set to like 68 degrees or something super low, so I am very used to low temps. Normal temps tend to make me a bit warm, and any sort of anxiety or pressure means I start to sweat like crazy. Sometimes it turns into a vicious cycle where, a tiny bit of discomfort causes me to sweat, and because I am sweating I get more uncomfortable which causes me to sweat more.......

Absolutely, and everything I've tried only works temporarily. I only feel comfortable if I'm wearing dark colors so it doesn't show. Then I get ragged on for wearing too many dark colors.

Parador wrote:I remember this thread. All I put down was that I don't really have friends. Now I have proof. I've been suspended from work for 3 weeks now and NOBODY - none of my work "freinds" - has even called me to ask how I'm holding up.

THAT'S a major reason for not reaching out. You can reach out and get slapped in the face.

Yes that's been my track record until recently and I can't stop worrying over when it's going to start happening again. The reaching out and getting slapped in the face is still an issue. I know a few people who contact me out of the blue because I'm a "good listener," but watch what happens when I need someone to listen... I have managed to make one friend who doesn't do this but who knows if it will last.

ShadowTerra wrote:Avoidant reasons:
--They might invite other people and I won't be able to be myself
--If it's an old friend, they might interrogate me about what I'm doing now and then criticize me
--The good ol' "If they get to know me better they won't like me anymore"

This is what is keeping me from reaching out to old friends as well as making new friends. Last year my ex-best friend told me "I'm so far ahead of you" in terms of social status. I was crushed... I expect the same types of comments and general attitude from anyone else who knows too much about me.

I have no friends anymore. Not even enemies.

Retrospectively, there's only a single person whom I still consider to have been a REAL friend. He was the only one I recall with whom I could talk to about the more serious stuff. He even cried before me once and I hugged him to console him, which was probably the most intimate moment I ever shared with anyone. He left me because, as the stress in school increased, I'd be completely stoned whenever he'd visit me. I honestly don't blame him, there was just no talking to me anymore. At one point, I would just completely phase out of reality into my dream world, even when he was in the room. One evening he just said "see you later" and never returned. That was seven years ago...(feels like three). I still think he honestly cared about me, though. I guess he just couldn't bear seeing me decline like this anymore. Sometimes, when I'm feeling optimistic (well, by my standards anyway), I think I should contact him (he's on the web, I got his email), but then quickly snap out of it, as usual. I would just feel embarrassed and wouldn't even know what to say...

Like... "Hey, what up? Long time no see. Myself? Oh, I've been smoking pot playing videogames and being scared for seven years!"

Just doesn't seem like a realistic thing to do for me.

Even for a couple of years into my self-imposed exile I was still hanging around with "friends" of mine that I knew back from highschool, mostly to get pot. But, after a while, they rightly realised that I just hung out with them because of that and started to disregard and shun me more and more. When I was at home and smoking weed, I became genuinely scared of them when I'd here them coming up the stairs. Some of them were people that I had known since grade school but all of the sudden they completely terrified me with their presence. I was literally shaking and sweating, to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. Soon afterwards I would just tell my mom to tell them I wasn't home. They realised that after a while and left me alone. That was three or four years ago. I didn't have any noteworthy contact with people outside of my close family ever since. I think there are several reasons for me dreading their presence all of the sudden, but I already wrote more than I can expect anyone to be interested in, I think.

Ash L. wrote:I have no friends anymore. Not even enemies.

Retrospectively, there's only a single person whom I still consider to have been a friend. He was the only one I recall with whom I could talk to about the more serious stuff. He even cried before me once and I hugged him to console him, which was probably the most intimate moment I ever shared with anyone. He left me because, as the stress in school increased, I'd be completely stoned whenever he'd visit me. I honestly don't blame him, there was just no talking to me anymore. At one point, I would just completely phase out of reality into my dream world, even when he was in the room. One evening he just said "see you later" and never returned. That was seven years ago...(feels like three). I still think he honestly cared about me, though. I guess he just couldn't bear seeing me decline like this anymore. Sometimes, when I'm feeling optimistic (well, by my standards anyway), I think I should contact him (he's on the web, I got his email), but then quickly snap out of it, as usual. I would just feel embarrassed and wouldn't even know what to say...

Like... "Hey, what up? Long time no see. Myself? Oh, I've been smoking pot playing videogames and being scared for seven years!"

Just doesn't seem like a realistic thing to do for me.

Even for a couple of years into my self-imposed exile I was still hanging around with "friends" of mine that I knew back from highschool, mostly to get pot. But, after a while, they rightly realised that I just hung out with them because of that and started to disregard and shun me more and more. When I was at home and smoking weed, I became genuinely scared of them when I'd here them coming up the stairs. Some of them were people that I had known since grade school but all of the sudden they completely terrified me with their presence. I was literally shaking and sweating, to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. Soon afterwards I would just tell my mom to tell them I wasn't home. They realised that after a while and left me alone. That was three or four years ago. I didn't have any noteworthy contact with people outside of my close family ever since. I think there are several reasons for me dreading their presence all of the sudden, but I already wrote more than I can expect anyone to be interested in, I think.

No, It´s good to write about these things. All you need it. Be sure, someone is gonna read it. I had another self imposed exile at home for 7 years. This is the worst I did. It was impossible for me to develop social relations and mature as a person.
I understand what you meant when you was terrified od your friends and your feeling that they realize this fact. When you feel different in some way and you don´t love yourself or better to said, you can´t value your possitive points and think the worst of you; it´s usual that you feel uncomfortable with the presence of other people and they act in the same way (perhaps they also blame themselves or feel that they are the reason for you not being comfortable. Sorry, my English.

twistermind wrote:No, It´s good to write about these things. All you need it. Be sure, someone is gonna read it. I had another self imposed exile at home for 7 years. This is the worst I did. It was impossible for me to develop social relations and mature as a person.

Also 7 years, eh? How did you manage to get on your feet again?

And, just to clarify, the complete isolation from anyone but my close family started 3-4 years ago. The 7 years are the amount of time I spent without any real occupation, but I would still see people, go shopping and even got myself dragged to one or the other party for the first couple of years (though very, very reluctantly). It gradually got worse and worse.

How severe was the isolation for you in those years?

Parador wrote:I remember this thread. All I put down was that I don't really have friends. Now I have proof. I've been suspended from work for 3 weeks now and NOBODY - none of my work "freinds" - has even called me to ask how I'm holding up.

THAT'S a major reason for not reaching out. You can reach out and get slapped in the face.

I hear ya. None of my 'friends' have contacted me all this summer. The most I got was a few facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday. The REAL sucky part is going on to facebook (why bother, right?) and seeing pictures of the people who I used to consider my closest friends doing things together without even saying a word to me about it.
...

I don't even put my real birthday on facebook - afraid of identity theft. So even if I get a happy birthday that ain't it! i'm too old now to want birthdays anymore .