Introduction / Searching for a way

Hey, i've been a lurker for some time but i've decided to post becouse i'm seriously lost and don't know what to do, i really don't know where to begin, i don't know even if i've chosen the right board but i have no idead which one too chose

I'm 25 right now, male, completely lifeless, devoided of empathy, scared of people and scared of myself. My childhood was kinda ###$, but i vaguely remember any of it, maybe i'm only remembering the bad parts but i remember home as a war zone of some sort. When my father died (later learned it was by suicide, which i can't really grasp) i remember i just phased out. Can't remember much of it, i remember the scenes but no emotions. My mother afterwards went kinda crazy, threatend to kill herself, oh, and didn't let me out of the house too often couse the outside world was dangerous or whatever.

Right now, i shift between beeing avoidant and narcissistic, like a little brainchild machine turns on and performs in front of employers, or makes the impression of beeing a professional in front of other people, but i don't get the whole narcissistic supply thing, or whatever it is, just makes me hate myself a bit more, and streses the ###$ out of me. Always have to take a smoke after such a performance couse my nerved start acting up.

I was bullied and generaly not acepted during school time, but i take a part of it on behalf the fact that i was a fake during all those years, so the other kids might have 'felt' that there is something wrong with me. No expression of anger or whatever, acctualy when i remember school i was expecting abuse and somehow i was to accept it.

Over the years I developed this, dunno, psychopathic attitued towards myself. I mean, most of you hear your inner demons telling you that your bad or something like that. I guess i've experienced that in school but later I've embodied the demons. If there is a inner child within me it must be under constant bombarded by self-hatred. I think i became this becouse at one point it stoped the sadness and the humiliation and stopped all the pain. Now i just can't get back to that pain, i'm an expert at suppresing pain, even physical one. On the other hand it makes me inhuman, like a machine, from time to time i even get a power-trip of some sort of control over myself.

I have no sexuality except this one part of me that wants me to be raped, used as a sexual object, don't know if it has any vital meaning. I believe my true sexuality is completely repressed becouse i had lower back pains when i was a teenager (repressed those pains though). Or maybe not, maybe i'm just perverted. I had sleep paralysis quite often where i yelled in my dream "it's you, you monster, leave me alone".

The last thing kinda makes me want to cry a little bit, but everytime a need to shed a tear comes up, i tend to yawn and to show myself that I really don't care. Or maybe i'm just beeing overanalytical.

My little hope is the fact that nearly all muscles in my body are somehow cramped and hurting, thus i can barely walk. I'm just hoping that maybe some of you have went through simmilar issued and would give me a direction to follow, and if you think that i've chosen the wrong forum i'd ask the admin to move it somewhere else.

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W

Oh, and to clarify, i tend to portray myself as the victim most of the time, though i don't feel like one. I just feel not human and i'm filled with this static hatred and resentment of anything and anyone, so no good words are necessary. I'm more like a parasite who has no clue what to be parasitic about.

Always have to take a smoke after such a performance couse my nerved start acting up.

What are you smoking?

I have no sexuality

I have a theory that a man's only real motivation comes from his gonads. If they ain't workin' then he's gonna be a shlep.

Are there a lot of hookers in Poland? I've been recommending hooker therapy lately. I'm not sure what else to tell you. I like hookers.

Parador wrote:

Always have to take a smoke after such a performance couse my nerved start acting up.

What are you smoking?

I have no sexuality

I have a theory that a man's only real motivation comes from his gonads. If they ain't workin' then he's gonna be a shlep.

Are there a lot of hookers in Poland? I've been recommending hooker therapy lately. I'm not sure what else to tell you. I like hookers.

Cigarettes, anyway, i have to find a way to build-up my ego, 'couse lately i'm even paranoid that i'm opening the door in a wrong way that's deserving punishment. I don't know if I should take your answer as a joke or not, but the thought of beeing with a woman brings up all kinds of horror and self-hatred.

Anywho, i got my antypsychotics today and my thinking i starting to get back on tracks, maybe there is hope

Ok - waits until the antipsychs kick in and see how you feel. Thay can make a big difference if you really need them. I hope you got a few opinions. Some docs just give that stuff out like candy.