Someone read it please. Just want peoples thoughts.

I have Avoidant personality disorder though my current psychologist doesn't think I should have myself labeled, and I tend to agree. I simply live as being me, or have been for about a year, before that I could hardly leave my house, and before that I would only leave for school, and never every school day.

At the moment, i've been reintegrating myself into society, it has actually been quite hard, well really hard. I have a job, my first, and I want to quit, but quitting seems to be as hard as getting it for me. I don't want to disappoint my boss by quitting on her. Yes its in the retail business and yes I am bad at my job because I get anxious around people, and make mistakes everyday and want to give up so badly. I'm not proud of myself for this, and want to be able to do things perfectly but things just seem to go bad a lot.

It took a while to get to the job stage, I actually started off by going to aerobics, twice a week at first then more. I only changed my lifestyle because I wanted to see Paul McDermott, and I decided... I don't know I don't really remember why I did it all, I just changed a lot in a few months, made it to Sydney, far from my hometown of Perth, stood in a line in the middle of the night, and saw Paul. It was worth it. I was shaking the entire time, I don't remember what was happening, I remember I was embaressed because I took a seat that had no one sitting next to it on one side, and Paul made fun of someone else who had no one sitting next to them.

When I came back, my friends found out that I had been to Sydney and decided I'd be able to handle clubbing with their support. I got quite drunk before leaving, and yeah don't remember a lot, though I drank more.

I since tried clubbing sober and hated it. To me it was just bad, I wasn't anxious because everyone was drunk and friendly, except the bouncers, who I found really rude, even though they didn't bother me personally. I just couldn't figure out what people liked about it. Dancing, yelling, lining up for toilets, breaking toilet doors. Stepping on people, pushing through people.... it was pointless to me. I've not been since, but I think it was something I had to do.

I spent the rest of the night in a strange house, I couldn't believe I was so calm. I didn't sleep though. I watched over one of my friends until morning without panicking (there was a time when I would run away from sleep overs with friends I'd known my entire night).

I also had a semi serious bf, but no matter how hard I tried i couldn't break down my barriers for him. I wasn't into the relationship and it ended. Not that badly, but I'm still not sure what happened. I don't know how i should feel, I've cut myself off from that I think. I'm pretty sure i've created some lie to make myself feel better. Rationalized it in my mind using idealism and fantasy taking away the feeling.

I always have this pull to just fade from existence though. It's so draining to do anything. Even writing it and remembering or trying to remember.

I use to rely on alcohol to relax me. Now i'm trying to opposite. Energy drinks, coffee, etc to hype me up and its making me all the more anxious and my pulse sky rockets a lot, but I haven't had a panic attack yet or anything.

I guess I'm scared of relapsing, but I don't know if I can keep this up. It all feels like a lie. It is a lie. It's not me. I need something quieter where I'm not worried about something all the time. This job is driving me nuts. I can't believe how much i screw up.

I need help and I don't like actually talking about this stuff. I don't tell people about the mistakes I make. I will quit this job I know it. If im not fired first, but what do I do after? How can you not move on... I can't get rid of this pull within me that just wants to forget the world.

Actually I wonder if anyone will read this. Guess I can't expect anyone to.

qtzer0 wrote:I spent the rest of the night in a strange house, I couldn't believe I was so calm. I didn't sleep though.

This happens to me too, I can never sleep in strange houses, even after heavy drinking, and I'll be dead tired...I don't understand it at all. I actually take sleeping pills with me whenever theres a chance I'll have to sleep somewhere. A ton of different pills in my necklace is my security blanket.

qtzer0 wrote:I use to rely on alcohol to relax me. Now i'm trying to opposite. Energy drinks, coffee, etc to hype me up and its making me all the more anxious and my pulse sky rockets a lot, but I haven't had a panic attack yet or anything.

I guess I'm scared of relapsing, but I don't know if I can keep this up. It all feels like a lie. It is a lie. It's not me. I need something quieter where I'm not worried about something all the time. This job is driving me nuts. I can't believe how much i screw up.

I can defiantly sympathize with you here.

[quote="qtzer0"]
At the moment, i've been reintegrating myself into society, it has actually been quite hard, well really hard. I have a job, my first, and I want to quit, but quitting seems to be as hard as getting it for me. I don't want to disappoint my boss by quitting on her. Yes its in the retail business and yes I am bad at my job because I get anxious around people, and make mistakes everyday and want to give up so badly. I'm not proud of myself for this, and want to be able to do things perfectly but things just seem to go bad a lot. [quote]

Just wanted to tell you that this will most likely get easier as you keep going. I myself, for some reason, felt the need to throw myself into a job that involves constant interacting on a personal level with a large amount of people. I found this incredibly difficult at first, I was all over the place, anxious, making mistakes, appearing (so I thought) foolish and inept. I found myself having to teach myself just the basics of social skills - smiling, acknowledging people, making conversation, looking friendly and interested. As time went on it became more and more natural and now - three years on - I am perfectly comfortable there, even in a comfort zone. Forcing myself to do these things has taught me an invaluable amount. Still got a way to go, still have my moments, but I'm so glad I've done it.

Keep going. You're diong well. Things will get easier and you'll be able to perform better on the job as you relax into things.

This happens to me too, I can never sleep in strange houses, even after heavy drinking, and I'll be dead tired...I don't understand it at all. I actually take sleeping pills with me whenever theres a chance I'll have to sleep somewhere. A ton of different pills in my necklace is my security blanket.

Heavy drinking for me generally causes me to black out, and pass out.... which can happen anywhere.

Of course I don't like to do that because during the blacked out parts which I remember NOTHING of, I'm told I get kind of violently anti-social, so I end up with bad feelings for, weeks, months etc. over things I don't remember doing.

Not sleeping isn't so bad for me. When I'm tired I don't have the awareness to be anxious about everything.

Anastasia wrote:Just wanted to tell you that this will most likely get easier as you keep going. I myself, for some reason, felt the need to throw myself into a job that involves constant interacting on a personal level with a large amount of people. I found this incredibly difficult at first, I was all over the place, anxious, making mistakes, appearing (so I thought) foolish and inept. I found myself having to teach myself just the basics of social skills - smiling, acknowledging people, making conversation, looking friendly and interested. As time went on it became more and more natural and now - three years on - I am perfectly comfortable there, even in a comfort zone. Forcing myself to do these things has taught me an invaluable amount. Still got a way to go, still have my moments, but I'm so glad I've done it.

Keep going. You're diong well. Things will get easier and you'll be able to perform better on the job as you relax into things.

Thank you. It has taken a lot of self correction to be able to talk to my customers, and I still can't do it if there's other people around, like if my supervisors watching or nearby, I'm dead quiet. Otherwise I try to just be polite and remember the basics of conversation, I say hi, I might ask them how they are, and then I say goodbye.

With the other workers there, I try to be nice, but just last night one of them was helping me and we were talking, i've no idea about what, and my sarcasm kicks in and I think i insulted her. I tend to have a weird sense of humour, one of my old teachers said it was "wry", though I'm not sure how accurate that is. It seems to skip by or insult those who take me too seriously, and leads to many awkward situations.

I can't see myself ever being relaxed at my current job. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. Like really wrong, and mistakes lead to misery in my world.

With the other workers there, I try to be nice, but just last night one of them was helping me and we were talking, i've no idea about what, and my sarcasm kicks in and I think i insulted her. I tend to have a weird sense of humour,

I still have trouble not insulting people. Cover your butt by going on about zombie invasions. Come up with a plan to barricade the store in case of a zombie invasion. That's what I do.

Parador wrote:Cover your butt by going on about zombie invasions. Come up with a plan to barricade the store in case of a zombie invasion. That's what I do.

A good thing about SPD is that in case of a zombie invasion you can blend in.