Are we really that inoffensive?Thinking outside the box

Yeah I'm currently doing this to my girlfriend...exactly how you described. I also find myself frequently putting her through "tests", that really do nothing but harm the relationship. It must be an emotional roller coaster for her. I think it would be easier if I could explain to her about my AvPD but I'm far too afraid of the outcome.
I definitely wouldn't want to date a AvPD if I was oblivious to the condition..

I can't speak for anyone else, but personally, once it's been established that I am "friends" or even "acquainted" with someone, I find my mindset, behavior and ettiquitte towards them is altered as well.

A wall of false charisma, still quiet and reserved, is raised all around me. I am on the defensive constantly. Any criticism I receive is quickly replied by one of my own- self-flagelation always seemed an effective tool for distraction.

Personally, I believe an AVPD or SPD sufferer would be a good match for me, if sterile companionship was something I desired at the time. However, for normal non-disordered people, I think some of avoidancy's tenets would certainly get on some nerves.


The self-flagellation is just one of many of our tricks to distract from anxiety provoking situations. Avoidants can't just come out and say what we're feeling, we're built to do just the opposite.

I have to leave now

A real life Shinji wrote:How ever we always are perceived as the innocent victims by those who are psychologically literate.

I think you are incorrect here. I do not think this is how other people think of us. I have never really gotten that impression from anything or anyone. If you read Distancing by Martin Kantor, he refers to "victims" of people with AvPD all the time. Most PDs are regarded in this light, I believe, but only a few PDs attract a lot of attention. There is a lot more written about Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, and Antisocial than most of the others.

Anything other books by psychologists on AvPD that I have read, show it in a neutral, informative matter, which is the way such books should be written.

If you read the few posts from people who know someone with AvPD on this other board (scroll over to see the link), you can see that most people are rather negative about the relationship and mention how frustrating it is.

Mostly, I think the reason we do not hear more about negative stories about relationships with those with AvPD is that we are less likely to have relationships and as many as normal people or the more well-known PDs and those few that do have relationships with us, do not know about AvPD, so they may complain about the relationship, but not about the person being AvPD, obviously. I know I had a friend who hated me and all the problems I had, despite the fact that she used to have her own. We are a lot more difficult even than people who are only diagnosed with depression or social anxiety.

I think the fact that we are so hard to have a relationship is a big part of why we don't have them.

So yeah, we're all assholes. At least I am because I am in a relationship for some stupid reason.

A real life Shinji wrote:Tujian, when I said psychologically literate I was referring to those of the ametuer variety who know of the condition but not the deeper manifestations. I've never read that book, although I have read excerpts. From the reviews I've read he certainly comes dowm pretty hard on us. I agree though, all psychological books should be as objective as possible.

Ah, I see, so most of my post was irrelevant. Sorry about that. I do still think, for the reasons I mentioned, that most regular people probably find us strange or difficult or even hate us, though I am talking about other people in general, as I am unsure about what people who know of AvPD but not a lot would feel. I guess it just depends, a lot of those people on that other message board I linked to seemed to be pretty negative, but we have had people post on here that at least seemed to really want the relationship to work.

I have never stood up anyone, as I have not had the chance. I do not think I would either, but I have done my own awful avoidant things with my boyfriend who truly loves me. Like Bloodytears mentioned, I do have "tests" for people all the time.

Huh, weird. For some reason this board has programed links to not show up unless you scroll over the text, don't know if that if the problem or you are having yet another one.

Here is the URL, anyways. I hope it works.: http://groups.msn.com/AvoidantPersonali ... avpds.msnw

A real life Shinji wrote:You think the relationship is over before its even truly begun.

I always feel this way. I meet someone I really like and all I can think of is how it will never work. I just wait to be dumped because I know it is inevitable.

Bloodytears wrote:I also find myself frequently putting her through "tests", that really do nothing but harm the relationship. It must be an emotional roller coaster for her. I think it would be easier if I could explain to her about my AvPD but I'm far too afraid of the outcome.

I have done this too. I don’t communicate with the person at all because I want to see if they will actually contact me on their own. Then if they don’t contact me within a few days for example I assume that they hate me and don’t want to talk to me. It’s not fair to do this I know, but I cant help it sometimes. I just don’t think that anyone actually ever likes me.

Tujjen wrote:I think the fact that we are so hard to have a relationship is a big part of why we don't have them.

So true – I fear rejection but at the same time, I can understand why someone would leave me.

A real life Shinji wrote:I was in a relationship with this girl and when I passed her to go into the campus restaurant I completely ignored her...I don't know why. She sent me a txt message asking me was I dead. She also said I was the shyest,in a sexual sense, guy she ever met and asked me why I never kissed her. I just felt she did'nt want me to.Yes I am ###$ up. I'm not as bad now but still........

I would cry if someone ignored me. I have cried when this has happened to me before.

I could never make the first move sexually. I would never ever have the confidence or sureness that it would be reciprocated. And then I worry that if I get in a relationship I will be labelled as frigid and boring sexually. Its such a vicious cycle. In my mind there are lots of things I would love to do to a man I am attracted to, but in reality I just know I could never do it.

-

A real life Shinji wrote:Thanks.That was pretty interesting. Yeah there certainly is alot of negativity on that board. Interestingly enough I checked that board out when I first realised I was Avoidant but there seemed to be not much going on. Also I did'nt relate to the posts as much as I do here. Where's the self loathing and suicide idealtions?lol!...sigh.

I was in a relationship with this girl and when I passed her to go into the campus restaurant I completely ignored her...I don't know why. She sent me a txt message asking me was I dead. She also said I was the shyest,in a sexual sense, guy she ever met and asked me why I never kissed her. I just felt she did'nt want me to.Yes I am ###$ up. I'm not as bad now but still........


This quite funny. They have a section for an Avoidant meet up.

http://groups.msn.com/AvoidantPersonali ... eetup.msnw

What are the odds of that happening?

Zilch, thats pretty much an oxymoron.

I've stood up a lot of people before because of my avoidance. Always feel bad about it too.

A real life Shinji wrote:Same here. I JUST CANNOT. I could'nt believe anyone could love the real me or even want me. I feel inherently inferior as if its ingrained into my soul.And rejection would just validate my worthlessness and kill whats left of my spirit.

I always think that if i ever met someone who was interested, i would have to act like a totally different person and never let them know who i "really" am.

I feel like the fact that no men ever seem to be interested in me is validation of my worthlessness. And its not just the AvPD talking, its fact. If you are a 31 yr old woman that has never had a boyfriend and never attracts any men at all - its just proof that i am worthless.

And i feel it is in my soul too! Like its at the very core of me - like i am some horrible monster and people instinctually stay away from me.

I also find myself frequently putting her through "tests", that really do nothing but harm the relationship. It must be an emotional roller coaster for her. I think it would be easier if I could explain to her about my AvPD but I'm far too afraid of the outcome.

I used to do that. It is common for avpd people to do. I have learned that nobody truly cars anyway, so there is no need to test. Maybe it's not true, but that's what I have to do to get around it.

A real life Shinji wrote:
I was in a relationship with this girl and when I passed her to go into the campus restaurant I completely ignored her...I don't know why

was that a test or were you trying to end it? I did that once with a girl. We were not in a relationship but we were friendly. I was sure she wanted me to ask her out. That ended our friendliness. I did it because I felt it was best for her to give up on me and look elsewhere.