Are we really that inoffensive?Thinking outside the box

A real life Shinji wrote:Thanks.That was pretty interesting. Yeah there certainly is alot of negativity on that board. Interestingly enough I checked that board out when I first realised I was Avoidant but there seemed to be not much going on. Also I did'nt relate to the posts as much as I do here. Where's the self loathing and suicide idealtions?lol!...sigh.

hah. I pretty much felt the same. I’ve skimmed their boards a bit, but, yeah, somehow I do not like that one as much, though there seems to be a few posts I can relate to, there really does not seem to be that much of a connection for me with most of them. Maybe they are just avoiding talking about the really bad parts of AvPD more? =P

I never really fully noticed that meetup section before. The amount of posts in that section seems to speak for itself about the likelihood of an avoidant meetup.

Jessica's Hope wrote:

Tujjen wrote:I think the fact that we are so hard to have a relationship is a big part of why we don't have them.

So true – I fear rejection but at the same time, I can understand why someone would leave me.

Yeah, I think we just put too much of a strain on almost any relationship with a "normal" person, at least. It is too hard for them to understand us and too hard for us to understand them. Maybe with a socially anxious, shy, or somewhat avoidant person it could work out, since these people would probably at least want to try more to keep the relationship, but I still think even only a few of those would work out in the end.

A real life Shinji wrote:I could'nt believe anyone could love the real me or even want me.

This is the crux of the problem, I feel that way very strongly too. When I am feeling really down, I am always coming up with all these excuses, that do not feel like excuses to me, as to why my boyfriend does not really love me even if he says and thinks that he does, which is terribly mean. I never know if it is best to keep these thoughts to myself or if I should tell him when I'm thinking them either. The problem is I have had way too many friends that I thought liked me, but then suddenly didn't, so I have no clue if I am deceiving myself about him too.

A real life Shinji wrote:Well I'm glad people can relate to what I'm trying to convey. I've been on both sides of the fence and it is a terribley frustrating experience. I feel rather guilty for the other two non Avoidant girls who had to put up with my emotional coldness.

@Bloodytears

Would you not consider the possibility that all these tests and distancing would be more likely to make her dislike you rather than simply telling her about your issues?

Yes I realize that and I'm trying to stop them. Its just so hard. She passes the test and I'm all happy, then the next day I'm back to my old ways. I don't think I can tell her about my issues just yet, I'm way too fearful of the outcome. I need to do something though, my tendency to distance & test our relationship is causing problems. I'm also not too open to discussing my feelings so she doesn't know what to think.

Right now she is just questioning why I continue to stay with her if I don't trust her. She said she wouldn't stick around if she felt the same way. I know she really loves me but no one will be willing to stick around through the roller coaster I put them through. I don't know what to do. Actually I do know I should do but I don't think I'm capable of it. I slipped out of suicidal depression after meeting her and I'm worried I might go over the edge if I lost her. Its actually worse that she passed the tests, because now when its over I might not be expecting it. At least when they fail the tests, I can prepare myself mentally for the rejection. At this rate its bound to happen though.

Even when I'm happy, I still find a way to screw it all up. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. I just wish I could find the courage to put myself out of my own misery.

I have done this too. I don’t communicate with the person at all because I want to see if they will actually contact me on their own. Then if they don’t contact me within a few days for example I assume that they hate me and don’t want to talk to me. It’s not fair to do this I know, but I cant help it sometimes. I just don’t think that anyone actually ever likes me.

This is exactly one of the examples of the tests I was referring too. I find it too hard to believe someone could actually like/love me so I test the extent of their 'fondness' of me frequently. Eventually I drive them away. She does make me feel 'loved' though when shes around (& not mad at my actions). But when shes not talking to me my mind can't help but think about the worse.


It really doesn't help that I neglect to explain how I'm feeling. I'm more likely to remain silent or lie than to elaborate on what is really bothering me. Then after pretending everything is alright, I'll go proceed with my tests.
I like this girl alot though. It feels like she can read my mind at times. Sometimes I'm just silent and she'll go out and say what I was too anxious to say. This allowed me to be some-what more open, as she did this frequently so I loosed up a bit.

I could never make the first move sexually. I would never ever have the confidence or sureness that it would be reciprocated.
.

Yep same here. I'd be so worried about the reaction. I can never be the instigator of a relationship or sex. The girl I'm seeing is more experienced than me and its so intimidating.

Same here. I JUST CANNOT. I could'nt believe anyone could love the real me or even want me. I feel inherently inferior as if its ingrained into my soul.And rejection would just validate my worthlessness and kill whats left of my spirit.

Thats pretty much how it is. Its just impossible to fathom that someone would care about me. I just feel my personality is so horrible. I feel inferior and I just want to kill myself.

I really don't want to see a psychiatrist though. I'm still young( 18) and I consider myself fairly good looking which from what I read is half the battle. Has anyone had success in finding love? This is my first relationship so I really don't have much experience and its eating me up.


Apologize if I offended anyone somehow, I seem to do that alot.

I used to do that. It is common for avpd people to do. I have learned that nobody truly cars anyway, so there is no need to test. Maybe it's not true, but that's what I have to do to get around it.

I'm just too preoccupied with being used or rejected or humiliated. I think the tests allow me to break it off before the aforementioned outcome. It gives me some type of assurance, so I can at least anticipate the rejection prior to its occurrence, then it wont hurt so bad. But I guess its a lose-lose situation since, the tests cause the very thing I'm afraid of.

What the ###$ is wrong with me?

Bloodytears wrote:I slipped out of suicidal depression after meeting her and I'm worried I might go over the edge if I lost her. Its actually worse that she passed the tests, because now when its over I might not be expecting it. At least when they fail the tests, I can prepare myself mentally for the rejection. At this rate its bound to happen though.

I try to prepare for rejection too – and I try not to get my hopes up. But when a relationship means so much, its so much harder to cope when it ends. I think people really can die form a broken heart. And most of those deaths are suicides. I can see it happening to me one day.

Bloodytears wrote: I find it too hard to believe someone could actually like/love me so I test the extent of their 'fondness' of me frequently. Eventually I drive them away. She does make me feel 'loved' though when shes around (& not mad at my actions). But when shes not talking to me my mind can't help but think about the worse.

I am like this too. If I don’t have continual confirmation that I am liked then I automatically assume everyone hates me. And it is a lot to ask of another person – to always have to reassure me. Its emotionally draining.

Bloodytears wrote:Yep same here. I'd be so worried about the reaction. I can never be the instigator of a relationship or sex. The girl I'm seeing is more experienced than me and its so intimidating.

Sex just terrifies me. I think about it all the time and I am not short on desire, believe me. But I just know I can never be good at it because I will always have “performance anxiety”. I know its harder for guys, but I always fear I will be labeled as frigid because of my fears. And I am so not frigid in my mind. I am the complete opposite... almost too full of desire.

Bloodytears wrote:I'm just too preoccupied with being used or rejected or humiliated. I think the tests allow me to break it off before the aforementioned outcome. It gives me some type of assurance, so I can at least anticipate the rejection prior to its occurrence, then it wont hurt so bad. But I guess its a lose-lose situation since, the tests cause the very thing I'm afraid of.

I am always afraid of being humiliated too. Even if I am used and humiliated by a person who is cruel and horrible I still feel as though they are allowed to do this to me because they are still superior to me. Even a bad person is better than me.

Jessica's Hope wrote:Sex just terrifies me. I think about it all the time and I am not short on desire, believe me. But I just know I can never be good at it because I will always have “performance anxiety”. I know its harder for guys, but I always fear I will be labeled as frigid because of my fears. And I am so not frigid in my mind. I am the complete opposite... almost too full of desire.

To quote sex therapist Dan Savage, "That's what alcohol was invented for!" lol... I'm not condoning alcoholism, but sometimes a drink or two can help lower inhibitions. It can make sex more enjoyable, at least for the first few times. Just be careful not to get dependent on it.

I can totally relate to the comments in this thread. In my relationship history, I have either behaved super-clingy and insecure, or, at the other extreme, I appear ultra-detached and apathetic. Meanwhile, in both cases, the truth is I feel very insecure and fear rejection at almost every turn.

Lately (as in the last few people I have dated), I have tended to make sure I appear as very detached and apathetic. The clingy route did nothing for me. But the detached route doesn't work either, because the other person thinks I'm not interested and then it all fizzles away. Of course, I don't pursue, because I don't want to risk rejection.

The most recent relationship I had, there were so many issues that bothered me about the other's behaviour, but I remained silent for fear of rejection. I eventually grew so resentful that I lost any interest in sex or intimacy of any kind, even though I went through the motions, all because I didn't want to say "no" and create a confrontation. I finally got so fed up that I broke it off over email. Even a phone call would have meant I'd be vulnerable to a confrontation. This way, I could screen calls.

If that isn't ###$ up, I don't know what is, lol. I'm sure it must be frustrating dating an AvPD.

Jessica Hope wrote:Sex just terrifies me. I think about it all the time and I am not short on desire, believe me. But I just know I can never be good at it because I will always have “performance anxiety”. I know its harder for guys, but I always fear I will be labeled as frigid because of my fears. And I am so not frigid in my mind. I am the complete opposite... almost too full of desire.

You shoulda seen me on my first time with my new BF. He we-

Oh yeah, WARNING FOR VULGARITY KIDS

Anyways, he went down and couldn't do anything cause my legs were shaking like a terrified dog XD it's was pretty funny. That's my advice- just laugh during sex. It makes it so much better.

But don't laugh at your man when he can't last a whole minute. I found that out the hard way

-

Well at least you had sex. I don't know if I could ever have sex with a girl at all. And it's not like I'm gay, cuz I'm not. But I don't have that confidence to make that move to do it with them.

I put a lot of the girls that I knew to a test and many of them failed while some of them passed only to fail months later. And it doesn't seem like I can't express myself at all, cuz I could but that I am scared of their reaction if I did express myself: like what if such expressive thoughts lead to "this guy is a freak." When I know they don't think those thoughts or tell me verbally that they didn't think negatively of it then I feel my trust of them increases and my testing in that area minimizes, though I test if they actually love me and if they did, what part. And most girls can't answer it, which faciliates my unloveability.

I've laughed many times during sex. I don't know why.

I laughed the one time I got "real" sex with that hooker in Albany. I was so relieved that I started laughing. She asked me what I was laughing at. I just told her that I should have called her MUCH sooner.

Reading about how we can be cold and distant to the people who love us makes me feel slightly better about being so reclusive and avoidant.

But, it does make me wonder if a relationship between two avoidants would ever work out. On one hand, it would be nice to have a girl who understands why I’m so shy and reluctant to express myself. On the other hand, it would suck if she was just like me…bottling everything up and putting up a bland and polite façade to avoid rejection of the “real” me. Would a mutual understanding encourage us to open up to each other, or would we just push each other away like identical magnetic poles?

I’ve never met another avoidant, so I haven’t the slightest clue how avoidants interact with one another. What do you guys think? What would happen if someone locked you in a room with an avoidant of the opposite sex and forced you to interact?

Aloneinthewoods wrote:like what if such expressive thoughts lead to "this guy is a freak."

Hah hah, I know the feeling >.>

I've been getting better about doing different stuff with my boyfriend, but I'm still scared to do something cause I don't want him freaking out XD