Losing myself

darklight wrote:I was quite fluent after 5 weeks.

I'm impressed, and have been before by German students learning Dutch.

But I sort of feel sorry for the OP, we hijacked his thread with what must seem like mindless chatter to him. Where are you Cosmos? Please talk to us...

Just thought I'd chime in. I'm pretty much in the same dire state and my inability to find any semblance of motivation is interfering with my course work. When I first started college, my grades were relatively decent. I'm talking within the range of a 3.8 QPA at a state university. Unfortunately, I felt horrible while staying on the campus and lowered my standards for higher education to a community college.

Since then, my grade point average has rapidly declined because the motivation is just not there anymore. For the past three semesters, I've taken four courses each term and dropped at least one of them per term. I'm procrastinating or totally avoiding the work load despite the consequences of turning down a potential degree, even if it's just community college and it's becomming evident that I'm not as fit for my career choice as once thought. Now, I'm doleful and filled with regret and the urge to commit self-expiration increases day to day. Of course, I don't have the will...

Asuka wrote:I used to be the best at Math in my class up until thirteen. Then I missed a whole year of school because I was dragged to England with my Mother and her jerk. I hated school in England as I got alot of verbal abuse for being Irish so I went only to school six days in the entire year. When I got back/When my Mother lost custody and feigned suicide with the help from my Aunt

I just recalled reading this and not responding to it. I feel sorry for reading it and sort of feel guilty about not having any bad childhood stories to tell. I guess my childhood wasn't very eventful besides the occasional (but none too severe) bullying.

Cosmos wrote:
I'm two years into college, and I still have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. I don't just mean that I don't know what I'm going to do for a career; I know that's not anything unusual. What I mean is that essentially nothing seems to interest me in terms of doing something as a job. I'm not having a hard time deciding between something, or am inundated by choices. I just am not interested. I don't care. On top of that, I have zero motivation to do anything. None.

They have all these expectations of me which I don't see how I can fulfill, not because they're unreasonable, but because I don't see myself as capable. It's as if, either way, I'll be a disappointment.

Hi. This is just like me. I had to drop out of my uni course 2 years ago as I was too ill to carry on. All my life, until now, I have tried to throw myself into something that gives me some sense of worthwhile-ness ( I don't know if that is a word, but I can't think of what it should be) but I panic cus I think i will be found out to be fraud, and now I have reached the stage where I feel I have nothing, and I don't care that I don't.

I can't understand where other people get this 'motivation' from, I often cynically think that they are deluding themselves into thinking it is all worth it. But I do know it can be really difficult to stay with no motivation and stop yourself falling into a crisis.

I understand totally what you are saying about people's expectations. I lead a double-life where I have told my entire family that I have completed my uni course and graduated. I lie about what grades I go and what job I am doing now cus I know the harsh rejection I will get from them if I tell them the truth.

I am glad you decided not to delete your entry. I could relate to what you were saying.

Sorry I have not responded sooner. I've checked this thread a couple times, but it's very difficult right now for me to sit down and actually do it. I won't really try too hard to make my thoughts crystal clear. Sorry if what I say is confusing or jumps around all over the place, but it just takes too long and I lose interest otherwise. My first post when I made this thread took me an enormous amount of time to finish, starting and stopping, and I still only lightly touched on the things that are upsetting me. So, here it goes...

Radovan:

Contradictory? I suppose you could call it that. I certainly don't have another word to call it. I don't so much look to achieve anything; I mean, sure it'd be great, but it's more the feelings that I'm after, the emotions. I want to experience. I don't know how else to describe it, really. This is probably a very bad example, and I'm sure somebody will reply by telling me that I'm being unrealistic and living in fantasy land (not far off, actually), but I often find myself thinking about how I could happily die tomorrow if I had the chance to do a spacewalk or step foot on the moon. Silly, I know, but what I'm tryng to get across is that I want to feel alive. Travel the world, do something crazy, I dunno. I don't really even think I know what I want. Hell, for the past few months I've essentially been longing to be involved in something terrible, like a world war or, this is a little embarrassing but, 9/11.

I, too, am stuck in my patterns. The changes I made may be bigger for an avoidant, but let's face it, it's not a whole lot. I had hoped that it'd make me feel a little better about myself and that me being happier would lead to an improvement in my situation, but ultimately, a change of clothes isn't going to solve my problems. On a side note, and as I've mentioned elsewhere, I chew my fingers constantly, and have done so for years. It's terrible - it looks bad, can be painful, draws attention from others, and could cause permanent scarring. It's a nervous habit. It used to be limited to nail-baiting, but then progressed to chewing the skin right around my fingernails. Within the last year, that, too, has worsened to the point that about 1/3 to 1/2 of each of my fingers is ravaged. What's that tell you?

About getting help, yes, the university I attend offers those services. No, I have not used them, however. They even tell students that what is offered is for more minor, short-term problems like dealing with stress, or sudden family troubles and just needing someone to talk to. For anything that would take more than a few sessions, they refer you elsewhere. I don't know how that "elsewhere" stuff works, like how I would pay for any of it or otherwise keep it from reaching my parents.

darklight:

Ambitions versus social pressure, problably more social pressure mixed with a contempt for society. My views are similar to yours (though the extent may vary). I, too, feel it is not necessary to chase goals that you don't want to. Personally, I hate how society creates these models, if you will, for how everybody should live. I hate how restrictive and hypocritical it all is. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a little cabin in the countryside far removed from civilization.

I'll elaborate on the bit about my parents' expectations. I have one older brother who dropped out of college and essentially settled for mediocrity. Nothing too wrong with that, work problems aside. Not exactly what my parents had in mind, though. On the other hand, I've always been the "harder working son" in comparison. Of course, they expect nothing less than for me to fly through college on my scholarship with good grades and continue my "hard work" and pursue a good career. Not exactly something I'm currently well-suited for. So if I don't do that, I'm another sort of disappointment. On the other hand, if go to my parents for help, I feel they'll be greatly saddened to learn that my entire life, they basically never knew me. Then there's the possibility that any time, effort, and money put into getting help may not help anyway. Either way, it seems like I'm bound to disappoint somehow.

As I attempted to describe earlier, what I want isn't as clear-cut as I may have made it sound. That's part of it. Another part is something you identified - I may want something but I don't work hard for it. Even though I want it, I may not be motivated at all to get it, if that makes sense.

Asuka:

Interesting thought about teens finding identity. Sounds a lot like how my life played out.

I don't know if it's just depression, at least in my case. I, too, am losing a great deal of focus and my mood continues to drop as time goes on. I brought up my vocabulary problem because I was amazed at how I would even be aware of something like that. I kinda use that as a measure of my 'progress' now. So far, things aren't looking good.

Captain_Bickle and rizley pimpkin:

Sorry, read your posts, but just don't have as much to say. I haven't yet reached the point either of you have in your university experiences, but that doesn't mean the desire to not bother with it or stop altogether isn't there. How I wish school would be more about learning than simply repeating the same crap your teachers shove down your throat...

As repeated several times already, I don't hold society in very high regard, so the comment about people deluding themselves has a nice ring to me.

No wonder it took you a long time, that's a very lengthy reply (and not at all incoherent as you seem to think). Good to hear from you though. I'll have to apologize for singling out just one thing from your post, but I'm actively distracting myself from doing any work by posting on this forum...

Cosmos wrote:Contradictory? I suppose you could call it that. I certainly don't have another word to call it. I don't so much look to achieve anything; I mean, sure it'd be great, but it's more the feelings that I'm after, the emotions. I want to experience. I don't know how else to describe it, really. This is probably a very bad example, and I'm sure somebody will reply by telling me that I'm being unrealistic and living in fantasy land (not far off, actually), but I often find myself thinking about how I could happily die tomorrow if I had the chance to do a spacewalk or step foot on the moon. Silly, I know, but what I'm tryng to get across is that I want to feel alive. Travel the world, do something crazy, I dunno. I don't really even think I know what I want. Hell, for the past few months I've essentially been longing to be involved in something terrible, like a world war or, this is a little embarrassing but, 9/11.

I called it contradictory in an attempt to get you to try and explore it a little more, and I'm glad I did. What you said actually makes a lot sense to me. I think I have the same sort of feelings, but haven't been able to phrase them quite as such.

Maybe both for you and me there is this disparity between wanting to feel some sense of achievement and fulfillment in life and having no clue how to actually implement that in practical sense in our lives, let alone having the confidence to actually do anything about it. Maybe you cited the example of being an astronaut as something you remember as a childhood aspiration, because you lack any more realistic and frankly more adult vision. I mean, as an actual plan it is silly, but it does convey the concept of what you want to feel like quite well.

I am in no position to give you any actual advise on this, as I seem to find myself in a similar situation, so let me just explore what we could do. Maybe what we need to do is start with this emotion and work our way backwards until we reach some idea that is actually practical enough that we can achieve it and then plan to work towards it.

For myself, I have no idea what that should be. I do get plans to do something sometimes, but then I usually end up thinking "what's the point". Also, whenever I think of something I end up wondering if that really is what I want to do, or if it's just something that other people expect me to do.

Cosmos wrote:About getting help, yes, the university I attend offers those services. No, I have not used them, however. They even tell students that what is offered is for more minor, short-term problems like dealing with stress, or sudden family troubles and just needing someone to talk to. For anything that would take more than a few sessions, they refer you elsewhere. I don't know how that "elsewhere" stuff works, like how I would pay for any of it or otherwise keep it from reaching my parents.

Sounds like an excellent starting point. I'm really sorry your parents seem to have such high expectations, but maybe this is something that you should do for YOU, not your parents.