Hi

When I first read the description for AvPD something clicked in my head and I realised that it was probably what was wrong with me. After telling my counsellor at uni, he kind of agreed with my assessment and referred me to a proper doctor. So, in preperation for that I've found this place.

I've known for a long time something was wrong with me. I hardly ever interacted with people at school, and my teachers always commented on how quiet I was and actually wanted me to talk more. This wasn't really a problem until after I left school and went to uni. There were no longer easy ways of hanging around with people (ie during class, at catered mealtimes etc) and I found myself completely alone, going for weeks without talking to people. The second year of uni when my 'friends' from first year stopped contacting me (or is it viceversa...I think both me and them have some blame for this) was when it got unbearable.

I've never been able to talk to people properly. I can talk about uni stuff just fine, but stick me in a group having a random conversation and I'll be silent the whole time. I simply can't think of anything to say to join in. I think its because I don't want to say anything stupid or out of place. I have the same problem opening up to people as well. This would be the third time I've told anyone about this, the other two being the aforementioned counsellor and some guy on the internet who doesn't have any rl connections to me, in other words people who won't tell other people (of consequence) about me.

One of the biggest things that bugs me about this is I can't really figure out why I'm like this. I had loving parents growing up, and I was never majorly bullied, so I can see no reason why I should be like this. Of course that makes me feel majorly guilty when I see people who do have good reason in their past to be like this.

I think that's all I need to say...although it is telling that I spent the best part of an hour agonising on whether to write this and what to write in it. I suck at titling stuff as well, hence the boring 'Hi'.

Hey. How long before you get to see the doc? I always hear about long waits over there on the other side of the pond.

I suppose it's possible to get avpd without having a bad childhood. Anxiety can be genetically inherited. It is also posible that traumatic things happened to you when you were too young to remember. It's also possible to repress tramatic memories.

I've been working on it for years and I'm still not sure if I talk properly to people. I talk, but it may be a bit odd. I like to talk about zombies. And opera. I think it's best to just stop worrying about saying stupid things. You can train yourself to do it.

Its actually kind of bizarre how close my story fits yours. I recently entered college, and have only a few friends that I feel I am already drifting away from slowly. If I didn't have classes with them, I would probably never end up hanging out with them. I guess I just got lucky with my schedule. I realized what a major problem it was for me over the summer due to a few seperate instances where I distanced myself from close friends. Thats what led to my research that eventually brought me here.

I can't figure out why I am this way either, I had a great environment growing up, and was only picked on a little in school for being the smart/quiet one. I wouldn't let that bug you to much, as the causes are not well defined and can be from a variety of sources. Its funny how you find a lot of people with similar experiences here, but I guess thats why it helps.

As for writing stuff, I'm completely the same. I have to force myself to hit the submit button sometimes, otherwise I end up proofreading for an hour and sometimes just scrapping the whole thing after that.

Thanks for responding. I was afraid that no one would, or that I'd get bad replies, even though I logically knew I probably would get good responses from a forum like this.

Parador wrote:Hey. How long before you get to see the doc? I always hear about long waits over there on the other side of the pond.

The appointment's on Nov 5th (remember remember ). I'm not sure how that compares with stuff on your side, but at least its free.

I originally went to the counsellor because I didn't know where else would be able to help me. After a while though, I realised that it wasn't really right for me and I needed something more specific like a doctor. I mean, the uni counsellor is probably good if you're stressed or homesick or whatever, but for an actual disorder he didn't give much a framework to help me improve. Hopefully the doctor will do better.

int01b wrote:Its actually kind of bizarre how close my story fits yours.

I'm not that surprised to find people with similar stories. It makes sense that once someone like us leaves the structured, familiar life of school they find it harder to meet and interact with people.

I think you're right about causes, although I would still like to know if there was specific event(s) that caused me to be like this. It'd probably help in overcoming some of it.

Oh my, how recognizable all of this is...

I'm also new here, and like I said I'm reading a lot of stuff I can relate to. Few friends, difficulty in holding up a conversation on anything but the most superficial of subjects, inability to function in groups for fear of saying something stupid or inappropriate, not really having a bad childhood except for never really fitting in with peers and generally being avoidant, spending forever composing posts to this very forum...

One thing we don't seem to have in common is I already went through university. I don't mean to pressure you in any way, but currently I do have regrets about not making enough use of the possibilities that were available to me to go out and meet people (girls specifically...) while I was in university. Just leaving school, there may seem to be a lack in forced social cohesion, but I can tell you that being in university can provide you with lots of these opportunities. These may seem daunting to you right now (they did to me at the time), but ultimately they may prove to be worthwhile.

I don't want to scare you about the future, but having a job and just working all day has not been beneficial to the small amount of social life I had when I left university...

Someone once said to me "You're like a girl, you're much more fun in a one on one situation than in a group.". I've never been able to function well in a group, I'll always be the guy just sitting there saying nothing. I've found that one on one situations are much easier. Maybe you could take this as advice and seek out those situations rather than group situations. Perhaps work on some uni project with someone.

One thing I'm curious about is the fact that you decided to see a counselor. I'm sure this must have been quite a difficult thing for you to do as an avoidant. What was it that prompted you to do this, was it one specific event that was the last straw? I know I've delayed seeking treatment for many years...

I realize that to some degree me posting this is the deaf leading the blind...

to int01b:
Completely off topic, is your nickname an assembly reference of some sort? :)

Annoyingly, I had to reschedule my appointment to Nov 12th as it clashed with a (unrelated to AvPD) hospital visit that I'd forgotten about.

Radovan wrote:One thing we don't seem to have in common is I already went through university. I don't mean to pressure you in any way, but currently I do have regrets about not making enough use of the possibilities that were available to me to go out and meet people (girls specifically...) while I was in university. Just leaving school, there may seem to be a lack in forced social cohesion, but I can tell you that being in university can provide you with lots of these opportunities. These may seem daunting to you right now (they did to me at the time), but ultimately they may prove to be worthwhile.

I see what you mean, but of course it's hard to actually go for oportunities like those. I'm hoping that'll change eventually as I do really regret some of the chances I've missed.

Someone once said to me "You're like a girl, you're much more fun in a one on one situation than in a group.". I've never been able to function well in a group, I'll always be the guy just sitting there saying nothing. I've found that one on one situations are much easier. Maybe you could take this as advice and seek out those situations rather than group situations. Perhaps work on some uni project with someone.

I've felt the same. It's always been easier for me to talk one on one than in a group. I'll have to work with a partner for my uni project next term, so I'll see how that goes.

One thing I'm curious about is the fact that you decided to see a counselor. I'm sure this must have been quite a difficult thing for you to do as an avoidant. What was it that prompted you to do this, was it one specific event that was the last straw? I know I've delayed seeking treatment for many years...

I'd been increasingly lonely and depressed throughout the first few months of this year, but I didn't have any motivation to do anything about it. Then, in April, I was reading a thread in a forum where a guy was asking advice about a girl he was interested in. However, as the thread went on it became increasingly clear this guy had no idea how real relationships worked and was completely delusional about his chances with the girl to the point of lecturing married men and women about relationships. And this guy was in his thirties. At that point I decided I had to do something so I didn't end up like him.

Of course, it took about a month to work up the courage to actually email the counsellor for an appointment. Thankfully though, after the first step was made things got easier.

Sybot wrote:I see what you mean, but of course it's hard to actually go for oportunities like those. I'm hoping that'll change eventually as I do really regret some of the chances I've missed.

Hey man, you're preaching to the choir. It's so very very hard...

Didn't meant to pressure you though.

Sybot wrote:I'd been increasingly lonely and depressed throughout the first few months of this year, but I didn't have any motivation to do anything about it. Then, in April, I was reading a thread in a forum where a guy was asking advice about a girl he was interested in. However, as the thread went on it became increasingly clear this guy had no idea how real relationships worked and was completely delusional about his chances with the girl to the point of lecturing married men and women about relationships. And this guy was in his thirties. At that point I decided I had to do something so I didn't end up like him.

Of course, it took about a month to work up the courage to actually email the counsellor for an appointment. Thankfully though, after the first step was made things got easier.

Hah, I guess motivation by bad example is a good one. And yes, the first step is always the hardest. I sincerely hope a medical professional can help you out. I'm supposed to see one in mid December after being referred by my GP. Damn waiting lists.

My appointment with a doctor went okay. After explaining everything to the doctor she said that she did think I had avoidant traits, but it wasn't clear cut (in other words she didn't feel she had enough info to decide one way or the other).

She's referred me to a psychiatrist who I'll be seeing on friday (although why my counsellor didn't just refer me to one in the first place instead of a GP I don't know...). She also said the most likely course for treatment is medication along with various therapies.

Well, I saw the psychiatrist and he said I probably didn't have AvPD, but rather Social Anxiety instead. I'm inclined to believe him, since I was self-diagnosed previously and he is a professional whereas I'm not. Coming here before an official diagnosis was probably jumping the gun a little, although considering the two are similar its easy to see how I might have been mistaken.

From here on its apparently cognitive-behavioural therapy and medication if its needed. Thanks for talking to me anyway, and goodbye.