I'm at my lowest again...

I can relate to what you say and my mother too was fond of changing her idea about me back and forth. I noticed that both of these feeling were shallow too, both her love and hate never seemed to be deep or meaningful, it seemed she said both things depending on how she felt at the moment. That she spoke of love and hate as if they were simple shallow emotions. I am curious as to whether your mother was the same way?

I'm quite sure my mother has histrionic P.D. (with some traits of borderline and narcissism). I can't imagine how true feelings could ever change that quickly without a reason. I guess she did it all for the drama. All her life is playing different roles. When I was a child she played the role of the overprotective mother. I think this is impossible to be true when I see how few she cared about me later. I was close to stopping with my study because of her. And after that she didn't talk to me for a whole year. I can't take her seriously anymore. Our relationship is just one big farce.
She treats all people like that. Most people like her at first, but she split with all her friends and partners (don't ask how many) after some time(of course it's always their fault, she's just the victim).
When I was a child I thought she was the normal one, so I had to be a very bad person, upsetting my mother like that.
I think I never truly loved or hated any person. I never express strong feelings. My mother uses emotional expressions to get what she wants.

Thanks man that was pretty interesting. I checked out some books on Personality Disorders today from the campus library. One deals with the question of whether the psychiatric community have "given up" on us too soon, in the sense that a complete recovery is not possible.

That sounds like a very interesting idea but I personally believe that a complete recovery is, in fact, not possible. As much as I'd like to think otherwise, I will never be like normal. But I think that the most we can hope to do is get to a point in which we are at least able to function in society and be somewhat happy, or, at the very least, not depressed.

I still haven't checked out that movie, I'll probably torrent it when I'm done with what I'm downloading now, but I read the wiki articles you posted and not only he seems like a very interesting man, but I can truly relate with many of his circumstances, like not being allowed to go outside and being demeaned by his father for having an interest in literature (both things that I had to deal with as a child) and also having to hide his sexuality (something that I still have to deal with).

To be honest, I agree with you. When I first learned of AvPD I thought there must be a full cure. However I intuitively felt that certain traits are just too ingrained to be fully erased.

I really think it depends on the origin of the avpd. Some people seem to have just genetically inherited it because their childhood's were not so bad. Others, like me, with horrible childhoods would seem to have a better chance. They can learn that you don't have to put up with abuse and ways to avoid abuse. Desensitization has worked for me in most situations. I'm able to deal with people now better than I ever thought I would. I even has oral sex a couple of times. It was much easier the second time. I'm actually going to go for REAL intercoarse with a classy $350 hooker this Sunday. (Yes - hookers ARE the answer yet again!!!)

Parador wrote:

To be honest, I agree with you. When I first learned of AvPD I thought there must be a full cure. However I intuitively felt that certain traits are just too ingrained to be fully erased.

I really think it depends on the origin of the avpd. Some people seem to have just genetically inherited it because their childhood's were not so bad. Others, like me, with horrible childhoods would seem to have a better chance. They can learn that you don't have to put up with abuse and ways to avoid abuse. Desensitization has worked for me in most situations. I'm able to deal with people now better than I ever thought I would. I even has oral sex a couple of times. It was much easier the second time. I'm actually going to go for REAL intercoarse with a classy $350 hooker this Sunday. (Yes - hookers ARE the answer yet again!!!)

I'm just curious. Why are you documenting so many of your sexual escapades? Better yet, why are you having so many sexual escapades?

I'm just curious. Why are you documenting so many of your sexual escapades? Better yet, why are you having so many sexual escapades?

It's not that many escapades really. I'm doing it because I don't want any of the other guys on ehere to end up as 40 year old virgins like me. It is really awful. And lonely. I'm too old to have kids now - being realistsic. And I still can't get a date.

I'm sorry if it offends you. But cross your fingers and wish me luck on Sunday. I hope she's nice.

Parador wrote:I'm doing it because I don't want any of the other guys on ehere to end up as 40 year old virgins like me. It is really awful. And lonely. I'm too old to have kids now - being realistsic. And I still can't get a date.

Not wishing to go off-topic, but I am curious.

Have you been lonely your entire life, or were you more or less lacking any interest in people and sex and it's only lately that you "woke up" with a desire to have it?

I ask that because I am schizoid (and have a very minimal desire to have any relationship or sex), but I am very aware that I am going right next to life, and I am afraid that older I could "wake up" after it's too late.

Let me share my perspective with you, there were some words said that I can really relate to:

I also always have this nagging sensation at the back of my mind that there are some things that are happening, for example that I am cheated on, and that I don't know it. It is related to lack of self-esteem, insecurity, you name it. So what do I do: I am constantly looking out for material proofs of love: the more things she does for me and the less things she does for others, the better. I become controlling, trying to morph a human being into an ideal image I have. It's a continuing task, it never stops, one seemingly trifle occurence can crash this whole building to the ground. I disagree here with you, Asuka, I am of the opinion that this quest is an narcissistic endeavour, it satisfies only shallow aspects of my personality, it doesn't fundamentally change the inner "me", that looks set in stone.

But you know what, you can't "prove" love, love must now come from within, not from external sources. It must have been engrained in the structure of my personality by the relationships I had/have with the members of my family, parents, grandparents. That didn't happen and now it's too late for it to happen, the world moved and I am stuck at the same point I was when my age was 14, I am a confused, troubled, scared little boy. For me to put my hopes up and march this road dooms me for another failure. Another thing that contributes to this is the fact that being avoidant at core, I usually settle for the people I can get, not the people that are good for me. When I feel depressed and lonely, I just want somebody, anybody, I am not in a position to make a sensible choice, and I project my expectations on this person who obviously cannot deal with the issues I have.

The only productive solution seems to be taking full responsability for my life, not waiting for some miracle to happen, but accepting who and what I am and working from there. I am at loss to say if I can do this, I feel very weak sometimes and as I said, I have learnt over the years narcissistic techniques that alleviate some of the pain, but it's only an illusion, like a drug. I switch contexts so damn easily, from craving just a sex partner to meeting the woman of my dreams, an omniscient, omnipotent mother that can take care of me, understand my thoughts before I speak them and tolerate my every whim. I suppose I need a period of time alone to work out for myself what I really want, but paradoxically, I can't function on my own

Parador wrote:

I'm just curious. Why are you documenting so many of your sexual escapades? Better yet, why are you having so many sexual escapades?

It's not that many escapades really. I'm doing it because I don't want any of the other guys on ehere to end up as 40 year old virgins like me. It is really awful. And lonely. I'm too old to have kids now - being realistsic. And I still can't get a date.

I'm sorry if it offends you. But cross your fingers and wish me luck on Sunday. I hope she's nice.

Um, good luck...