Being the best

I have this thing, that I don't really care about doing anything unless I am really really good at it. I'm better than average at drawing and computer graphics, but I'm not the best, there are lots of people that are better than me, so I get discouraged. I guess it's a typical avoidant thing, since lots of people pursue and proudly show off their their talents, even though there are lots of people doing it better than themselves.

Any ideas on how not to set my standards so high?

Asuka wrote:

Ash wrote:I have this thing, that I don't really care about doing anything unless I am really really good at it. I'm better than average at drawing and computer graphics, but I'm not the best, there are lots of people that are better than me, so I get discouraged. I guess it's a typical avoidant thing, since lots of people pursue and proudly show off their their talents, even though there are lots of people doing it better than themselves.

Any ideas on how not to set my standards so high?

This is interesting. I often wonder are Avoidants passive narcissists with more empathy. I have Narcissistic traits, but not actual N.P.D., so I'm always setting the bar high for myself and its frustrating if I can't attain those goals either due to my avoidance or because the bar was set insanely high.
Avoidants and Narcissists share two things in common; self esteem issues and an obsession with the ego. For the Avoidant its a negative self obsession and for the Narcissist its a positive self obsession.
I suppose the answer for both of us Ash is to be at peace with ourselves and secure in our sense of self and to find a moderation in regards to goals.
I wish I could tell you how that is achieved but I don't know myself.

I just can't grasp how most people can be proud of their mediocre talents. I know that I'm very creative compared to the average Joe, but when comparing myself to other creative folks, I'm nothing special. I see lots of people with mediocre talents having a lot of succes, simply because they truly believe in them selves ( it rubs off) But I can't "sell" myself knowing there's a million people in the world better that me.

I can clearly see that believing yourself is beneficial, but I just can't do it, when I know that my talents are merely better than average. Maybe it's a case of depressive realism.

I once saw an interview on television with some author. Before he became a full-time writer, he was a professional pianist. One day, his wife pointed out that it didn't bother him if a critic panned one of his concerts, but he'd go into a depression if an editor rejected one of his short stories. That's when he realized he was meant to be a writer.

I have lots of pride, maybe that's the problem...

I used to draw a lot as a kid, but I gave it up because I thought I sucked. Also, I got sick of people asking me to draw stuff for them. I guess you just have to accept the fact that no matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone who can do it better.

That's strange, I'm the opposite. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm better than others because I think I don't deserve it. I get good grades because I feel sure I will fail if I don't study hard and give my best. This leads to good grades, but I don't tell anyone. But everybody will find out soon that I lied to them because I graduated cum laude and this will become public somehow.
But I cannot see myself as avaragely talented. Sometimes I think I could be better than others if I did more and sometimes I think I'm just too stupid.
I used to study too much, but I just set my self a time limit:I'm not allowed to study more than 10 hours at weekdays and 5 on saturdays and sundays. That worked well for me. At the moment I don't study at all as I don't feel motivated. This is also not a good thing.

Don't worry, 10 hours is just the maximum. Even the day before the exam I don't allow myself to do more. Yes, but sometimes I did that much. I need more time for everything. I'm a slow reader and I have problems to understand graphs. This is really bad for any social sciences. So I just need to study more than others.

My new degree contains alot of stuff I would'nt be familiar with so I'm going to have to study a little hardcore myself. Its a HDip conversion course so its the equivalent of completing a three year degree in one. I must do very well in this as I feel its my last chance to get a good life. I can either work as a substitute teacher here....I would crack up if I were working in a rough school or I could work in Japan for up to five years as an assistant language instructor. I would love to go to Japan but when I come back I would feel even more isolated than I am already.

Social sciences sounds interesting. Am I right in saying its like Sociology? Have you studied Durkheim?

That sounds really tough 3 years in 1. So you also need to take care of yourself. I'm actually in the same situation as you are. This is also like my last chance. I had already studied for 3 years without any useful degree before I started with my current study. I'm studying Social Psychology. Yes, that's ironic for an avoidant, but I suppose that's just my way to connect to other people. I cannot get close to them, but at least I can find out more about all these secrets guiding their (and probably also my own) behaviour.

I would also like to live in Japan for some time, but I'm afraid the social structures there are too complex for me. I would me more isolated there than in Europe. Isn't it especially difficult to integrate for strangers in Japan?

Thanks,I'll try. Yes, it is very hard to intergrate into Japanese society. But if you adhere to their social structure,master the language and ideosyncracies its easier. But still one is never prt of the "In-group".

That's exactly what I'm bad at, adhering to social structures. I've been living abroad now for 3,5 years in total. I try to assimilate to some degree. But I never know, how much I should be myself and how far I should go in adopting the local lifestyle. And I seem to fail in my attempt. Yesterday, someone talked to me in the tram, because he thought I looked fed up (at least he was honest ). The conversation started to annoy me and I told him I didn't wish to talk. He told me this was typically German. I hadn't even realized that. I don't know if people from other cultures actually like chatting with strangers in the tram or if they just suppress their selfish lack of interest in others in order to be kind. I just don't get these subtleties.

No, I haven't seen Last Samurai. I'm usually not into Action Movies. But I googled it and it sounds really interesting. It's on my list.