Another self diagnosis

I've been seeing a therapist for about 6 months every 2 weeks. I stopped going about a month ago because it seemed like a chore that I had begun to dread with little or no results. I have been thinking about setting another appointment with the therapist. I don't know...During one of our sessions I asked her for diagnosis. Just for the simple fact that putting a label on my behavior would satisfy the fact that I am a deeply flawed person. Of course she gave me the speil that therapist generally don't like to put labels on this or that. Whatever, I was annoyed but I understood the reason. I referred to an episode of Family Guy when Peter was diagnosed as being retarded and this gave him a reason to act as such.

The next step for me was research. I find myself leaning more towards Avoidant.

I pretty much have no friends. I have never done well in social situations, always preferring interactions 1 on 1. I usually have 1 close friend but my self isolation has driven that person away too. A typical day for me is go to work, come home, watch TV, surf the net, play a video game and go to bed. The only time I leave the house is to go to work or get something to eat. I find myself attempting to go somewhere like the park and I will end up either turning around or just driving through the park and then turning around and never stopping. This affects my relationship with family members. My dad told me a few weeks ago that him and my mom had a bet going at how long I would stay when I visited that day. When I do go out I feel like people are watching me and sometimes saying things about me. I realise that this is not true most of the time. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach as I type just thinking about it.

I feel that I am a flawed person. My self esteem is nearly non-existant. All my relationships with the opposite sex have been short and more meaningful to me than they should have been. And they always end with me getting the friends speach. I feel that I am incapable of true love and that I cling to anything that may approach love. I feel that I am unworthy of love. The world is a better place without me in it or bringing children in it.

And so I choose to lock myself in a shell away from others. I feel like I am not alive and that I just endure life.

I've got to get ready for work but will post more later.

If a person can't love themselves its unlikely others will love them

I found that I can't love someone who loves me. The quickest way to my heart is to treat me like dirt.

whoops