How are your relationships with your families?

I can't have conversations with my mom and dad. Its soo awkward for me. I haven't told them I loved them since I was maybe twelve and at this point it would be waaaay too awkward to start saying anyway. I mean I only love my dad, not my mom. But still, I feel bad for not saying it I just can't.

I think my avpd is solely because of the heavy emotional abuse I endured from my mother my entire childhood. Did anyone else experience this? She always tells me she's the best mother! I resent her so much, I wish I could just say "YOU RUINED WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE LIFE!"

I also can't get therapy because I am covered under my dad's health insurance through his job. I have never told anyone about my avpd and am way too embarrassed.

Does anyone else feel stuck? Like this is your life and you'll never get better, so you might as well just live with it? The only time I'm myself and open and happy is when I'm heavily intoxicated.

I'm so sad.

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I love neither of my parents and I outright resent my father. I don't blame them fully for the AvPD/SPD thing I have going, but they definitely contributed to it. My mother is overbearing and overprotective, while my father infantalizes me and (though he tries almost successfully to hide it) resents me for not being the son he always wanted.

I don't feel guilty for not loving them, but it's hard because they expect me to - especially Dad, who (even after 17 years), still wants us to be 'best mates' (on his terms, of course ).

Im not really close to either of my parents really. and its not that they were just 'horrible' parents either, they did their best under the circumstances. I have never been able to tell either of my parents that i 'love' them, neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me, except for my mom recently. But i think thats just because her sisters health deteriorated due to huntington's disease, she recently passed away due to complications and developed MSRA a antibiotic resistant staph infection due to the 'misscare' of the facilities she was in. Sometimes i think i am who i am because of the distance my parents showed me, as they never really hugged me, said they loved me, or anything really.

Also recently discovered that my mom was doing drugs when she was pregnant with me, i like to use these as 'excuses' for myself, as that gives me a 'meaning' to who i am, however i feel that all that does is just to make myself feel better so to speak. Ive known about the drug issues with both of my parents since like jr high, but i never really talk about it or anything, i think im really just in denial that my parents are drug users. My mom had a very physical abusive mother, however she never abused me as kid, i would of course get my rear busted when i did stupid things sure, but that was about it.

As for my father, his dad died when he was about 16, while he was out working with him out in the oil fields, he ended up dieing due to h2s poisoning, so he got to watch his own father die at a young age. I tend to think these maybe the reasons why my parents are distance from me, however these are just really guesses. Ive never been able to talk to either of them for anything really. it feels very awkward just asking how they are doing, when i talk to them or see them every now and then.

When im drinking it seems to just make me 'happier' but also seems to switch to depressed at an instant also. I have been drinking quiet a bit lately... have pretty much gotten drunk every night since the 20th....

With my mother it is extremely difficult. At the moment we're getting along okay. But I don't think any of her behaviour is real. She is just acting all the time. I can't connect to her and I'm no longer interested.
My father is quite similar to myself. We have a good relationship since my parents got divorced. But I cannot tell him when I'm depressed or anything. I don't want him to worry about me. When he sees me suffering he would feel guilty and that doesn't help anyone.

My general relationship with my family is kinda iffy I suppose. To say I liked my privacy would be a gross understatement, so as long as I get my space, I am indifferent to them. My mother switches between being somewhat vindictive and overly sentimental, and my father hasn't seem to come to terms with the fact that I am a huge nerd >.>. Luckily, I haven't spoken to any of my cousins in 8~ years, even though they all live rather close. Haven't ever told anyone in my family how I feel about anything, but to be fair, haven't told anyone else I've ever met anything either. To be frank, I am not sure if I resent them or simply don't care >.> (If you handed me a piece of paper and told me to write how I "feel" about something, odds are I'd just stare blankly at it.).

I also can't get therapy because I am covered under my dad's health insurance through his job.

Don't quote me on this, as I am not fully certain of this myself, and age / country you are in probably plays a part in it, but I think that some insurance policies have privacy policies even if you get your plan through your parents (I think Kaiser is like this, but again, don't quote me.) So could check on the policies website or something, for age restrictions, state law, etc. So possibly you go somewhere without your family knowing (That is what I am doing, but not going through Madre's insurance policy because it only applies to things in their network.) But again, don't quote me on it

My relationship with my family is quite unloving.

I've never told my parents I love them, nor have they ever told me they love me. I've never heard my mother say to my father (and vice versa) that they love them.

I never really liked my father, and for a somewhat legit reason. Before going to college (around my junior year of high school), my father said to my mother (behind my back) that even if I were to go to college, I would drop out. You would think that he would say this to get me motivated to do well, but then why wouldn't he just say it to my face? He never seemed to have any confidence in me, and so often he would assume things about me, and more often than not, be wrong about them, showing that he really doesn't know who I am.

My mother is a better character, although one time she said I was ugly out of the blue....she wasn't angry or anything.

My relationship with my parents is pretty stale, and I think this is the main reason why I've never really had the social skills and emotions to bond with people, both of the same sex and the opposite sex.