Why do we face a blockade when trying to make good friends?

I'm not sure where the loss of connection comes in for me, but it always does. It's marring, because when I start to get to know someone I know we'll soon end up not talking. Now I know that's normal most of the time, but I'm talking about all of the time. And why is it that when someone makes a point of grabbing my attention, they're usually the one person I don't really have interest in talking with?

What kind of environment are you in? I mean where are you meeting these people? Like, in a place where you see them everyday (work/school), or are you trying to get closer to people you met randomly? I think the actual physical location of people affects how new relationships deteriorate, so that would be good to know.

Or is the disconnect more on an emotional level (you or the other person lose interest quickly)?

I mean, I have only one friend, and the only reason we are still friends is because he calls me. I never call him. Most people would have assumed I just didn't care anymore, but we knew each other for a long time and the friendship survived.

As most people would have given up on me, maybe that's what's happening to you. Maybe you just don't establish some sort of regular contact? And they assume you don't care anymore.

I'm probably off the mark here so feel free to fill me in on whatever I'm missing.

dimmedlight wrote:I'm not sure where the loss of connection comes in for me, but it always does.

One of 2 people I told about AVPD I've tried to talk to more than the other. Even though I gave her a bunch of literature on it, so she'd understand I withdraw because I feel rejected or to avoid rejection, and that I actually want to be with people more, she just leaves me alone when I withdraw. When I asked her about it once, she said she assumed I wanted to be left alone. She reached an incorrect conclusion by ignoring the information I had given her and evaluating my conduct based on how she would act.

The lesson I got was that the burden remains on me (or you in your case). As Raiquil said, people may just be assuming you don't care. Even if you explain to them (which I am not recommending), they still may go with their initial assumption that you don't care. That unfortunately leaves you to keep working up the courage to overcome your avoidant tendencies as much as you can and try to have relationships with the people who interest you.

I don't know what to say about the phenomenon of getting the attention of the person who does not interest you. I have had that experience with one person. It made me feel guilty to ignore him, but I really did not want to encourage him to think of us as friends. My negative reaction to him also has scared me into worrying that others may see me that way, and that is why I have been unsuccessful in achieving the friendships I want.

Skog wrote:Even though I gave her a bunch of literature on it, so she'd understand I withdraw because I feel rejected or to avoid rejection, and that I actually want to be with people more, she just leaves me alone when I withdraw. When I asked her about it once, she said she assumed I wanted to be left alone.

Yeah. This has happened to me with everyone I've told about my mental health issues. I didn't know about AVP until recently so I would tell people I have social phobia. They act concerned, but ultimately, they don't want to take an active role in being a support system because none of them really understand or care to understand. It's ultimately a personal struggle that must be undergone alone. Ironically, I think if I had a few good friends who stuck by me through this that my improvement would increase rapidly.

For me it's a subconscious thing - I don't hide information about myself on purpose, but I never talk about myself either, probably because the idea is so deeply ingrained in me that I'm not worth talking about. I can start to form friendships, usually with other loner types because we have similar senses of humor and an outsider's perspective. The problem is that eventually, these types of people become really close to each other, sharing so much information about their lives that it's like they know each others friends personally even if they've never met. As for me, I'm alright at contributing to conversations that other people start, but I couldn't tell stories about myself the way other people do even if I had any. After awhile people get bored with me, which is completely understandable since they know nothing about me..I'm just a blank of a person with no personality and no past.

I believe this is the heart of the difference between AvPD and plain old shyness/social anxiety. People with social anxiety disorders often seem to have a few but extremely close friends.

[quote="Batsy" I think if I had a few good friends who stuck by me through this that my improvement would increase rapidly.[/quote]


That was my thought in sharing information about my reasons for withdrawal - I was motivated to improve and thought that having a couple of supportive friends would help me achieve that goal. I have thought hard about whether I picked the wrong people, but there were no others who I would have trusted more, so it was a big setback that has discouraged me from opening up to anyone else.

i give skog a A+++ for trying to open up. thats really cool! sux they ,whom u shared with,act like that. really awsome u feel comfortable with the way u cope. !! thats prob a great lesson u learned? that u like yourself for who u are! really cool!

friends are hard to find even when one dose not have avpd.

i would continue to b "me" and not pretend to be someone else for a "friend". hang in there! your friend will b by. in time...a real friend will mayb ask stuf,..u will no when to talk about avpd. i wouldn't be the one to bring it up if i had avpd unless the other was sincere. and you may never have to bring it up? a real friend, ..just wants to be either an "acquantience" or a friend. you will know in time.

i hope i said this right?

my friend with avpd,i don't think she knows this? I WILL NOT BRING IT UP EITHER! thats not important to me.

she does have a very hard time "being close". we have nice "chats",..mostly txt/email...next days,.she would be hateful. she has stopped that recently. being hateful. she just avoids now. stil kinda hurts me? but,...i understand& i respect. in time,hopefully..she will be comfortable. i just let her no i'm here.


why she has this blockade?i think alot of anxeity issues. it's ok. if we friends....we hang in there or she will relize stuf and try to manage in ways. i'm not judging her or demanding "change". just...how stuf goes. i enjoy her company. i just hope things are going ok? mayb she don't want me as a friend? well...we all can only do/be ourselves.

I really think AvPD sufferers are too fragile and demands too much reassurance from our friends. We see the world in a very cold way and literally anticipate the worst from everyone. For instance, if this guy that I've been friends with ignored me for only 5 minutes to talk to the other person - I feel withdrawn and resentful ... just through that instance.

We put our energy and effort in making sure that everyone likes us ... and that we will be able to connect with everyone ... all the while that we are so turned off by the slightest hint of rejection even though it may not be valid.

For as long as we are insecure about ourselves ... it's terribly hard to draw people to our lifes

Thanku ethels!!! Makes perfect sense. Helps me lots!

Definitely that we don't open up. I don't know why I don't tell people about my life. I don't feel like it isn't worth knowing about. It is just that it isn't positive. I mean, my parents have been dying for years... that is depressing. I have a cat but I find people have nothing to say about that... if you find a non cat lover they will make some sort of crazy cat lady story. So it does seem like the information I give out is unlikely to benefit me and is very likely to hurt me. I have actually considered making things up, but the issue is that I can't remember lies well.

But also... does this happen to you...I find 99% of people bond by engaging in poor behaviors... ie drinking, ie, making fun of others. The friends I do have we have all bonded by being in a similar situation and bonding against a common thing that we complain about or make fun of (although totally deserved).

But when I go to an event, there always seems that the person with the most people around them yucking it up, is telling some amusing story that is always making fun of someone. At this I get quiet. I simply have nothing to say... but others will say the silliest things like "yeh" - "what a geeek" or some other jeer, while I sit there quiet. Even at family events it always degenerates into telling silly *make fun of* stories. I just feel like I shouldn't contribute... but when everyone else has no such qualms -- you end up being super quiet. In these groups there may be many find friends but because all I ever see is this bad behavior I can't find them.