feeling rejected, sort of ironically

Hey, I'm new here. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, but I've been having much more trouble dealing with AvPD. The funny thing is I've never been diagnosed with it, probably because I don't explain myself in much detail. It's only when I'm hypomanic that the symptoms of AvPD are suppressed. I have intense anxiety making anything more than simple social interaction, and even that can be extremely difficult. I keenly look for signs of approval or disapproval from others. If one of my professors smiles at me, I think "okay, I'm safe, she must like something about me." If I get another look of any kind, I get thoughts which are usually negative. I consistently get the impression that people don't want to spend time with me, because I don't receive calls. It sometimes hits me that the relatively few people who I have somewhat gotten to know are not "the average person." Throughout high school I was friends with a conduct disorder/narcissistic-type. It amazed me how he made so many friends and girlfriends, but didn't care about any of them. He and his power were pretty much all that mattered to him. If he said something distasteful, I'd let it go and go along with him just so I wouldn't disappoint him. It was the same for me. That way, there was no rejection, but there were a lot of lies and acting going on. Eventually, we ended up getting into a fight, but that's another story. I was also friends with someone who would rarely return my calls, and then he'd apologize, admitting that he did the same thing to his cousin and whoever else might call. In college, I became friends with someone who was antisocial (as in antisocial personality disorder) and bipolar. He'd say things like "I'm going to kill you" with a serious expression, and I knew he was thinking about it. In retrospect, I said some pretty nasty things too, without even realizing it. But we were close friends. I ended up taking time off, being an inpatient, being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and going to a commuter college, which is where I'm presently at. I met a quiet girl who was in one of my classes, and we traveled back home together every night, but she stopped interacting with me after that. Actually, she did come up to me when she ran into me the following semester, and I asked her if she had gotten a message I had left for her. She said she had, but she forgot to return it. Everything seemed alright, except she never called me. There was another shy girl who I spoke to in class a little bit, and after the class ended and we spoke on the phone once, that was it. This seems to be the story of my life. Now, there's a woman with a child who's not shy at all, who initiated contact with me in another class, and we're going to work out together this weekend. She is very pessimistic, and it shows right away. There's also something about her which makes me think she craves power. Now that I think of it, there's another woman with a young child who's also extremely negative who I've begun speaking to. She told me she puts down her family with no regret, because she likes having power. Does it seem like there's a pattern to the people I feel more comfortable talking to?-- maybe I bond with other people who are very avoidant and people who are power hungry. Either way, there's not much of a bond. Keep in mind that I'm extremely quiet and all of the people I've mentioned have known me at different points in time, so it's not like I'm meeting people every day. I've heard about Nardil, and I'm thinking maybe I should try it. I am on clonazepam (klonopin) for anxiety, and it does help, but only very slightly, and for a short amount of time. I thought I'd only open up with a little bit, but I guess it didn't happen that way. Anyway, it's good to have company.

Hi, Asuka! I am definitely not narcissistic, but you do have a good point.

dimmedlight wrote: Does it seem like there's a pattern to the people I feel more comfortable talking to?

I suppose I'm more comfortable talking to people I see as flawed in some way, but I don't think that is what you are suggesting.

I read once that avoidants can be prey to abuse by others. Wanting to avoid rejection, an avoidant could be manipulated by someone else (like someone craving power) who perceives that vulnerability. Is that more what you mean?

Skog wrote:

dimmedlight wrote: Does it seem like there's a pattern to the people I feel more comfortable talking to?

I suppose I'm more comfortable talking to people I see as flawed in some way, but I don't think that is what you are suggesting.

I read once that avoidants can be prey to abuse by others. Wanting to avoid rejection, an avoidant could be manipulated by someone else (like someone craving power) who perceives that vulnerability. Is that more what you mean?

Yes, that's part of what I was thinking, but I am wondering why I feel more comfortable around those people as well. Maybe you are right about perceiving flaws, but it doesn't seem to click.

dimmedlight wrote: perceiving flaws

I guess I meant subconsciously perceiving flaws. I wasn't suggesting that you, me, or anyone else consciously seeks out people because they are flawed in some way. My thought was just that someone else who seems less perfect, or more vulnerable, might be more sensitive to the flaws we feel we have, and therefore be more accepting. So, I guess it's sort of a self-defense mechanism to seek out someone who seems less likely to hurt you.

Does that make more sense?

Yes, it does. Thanks for the insight.

Use paragraphs too.

I decided not to divide the post into paragraphs, because I wanted to get it all out there. It seems like wherever I go, even here now, I get people irritated.