When You're The Avoided

Is anyone else here ever avoided by other people (with or without AvPD)?

I am. Practically everyone I know online (IMing, mostly) avoids me. It's hilarious and depressing at the same time. Sometimes hilarious because it's so depressing.

But does anyone else here have to deal with this? I'm sure it's "normal" to be slightly avoided, and to avoid slightly in every day life, but what do you, as someone with AvPD, do when you are not the one avoiding, but instead the one being avoided?

People tend to subconsciously act with you as you act with them. If you act cold and distant to them, they will act cold and distant to you, even if you do not want to appear distant; as they have no way to know what you want.

Yes. I realize this.

The irony is that I appear too extroverted as somewhat of a defense mechanism. They tend to become annoyed at my openness and ability to be too honest and therefore avoid me as they feel they can not handle me, so to speak.

I fluctuate between being far too open, and far too closed. They avoid me for both reasons.

Incompatibility ensues.

I do not mind being avoided by most people, my problem is their lack of honesty regarding the matter. They just leave me without so much as a reason. I understand I may be hard to talk to, but there is no reason why they should not at least express their circumstances for ignoring/avoiding me instead of just either lying or forcing me to type to an empty window merely attempting to find out.

I express my thoughts when I feel I need to stop communicating with someone. Honesty ensures their understanding or acceptance, and if it is too "brutal", it ensures they will leave me alone.

Apparently this is not a two-way street and others are faced with too much fear regarding honesty. Their ignoring me only makes me more curious.

It's a shame they don't see how miserably their plans fail.

Yes. I wouldn't really say avoided though, more like forgotten and ignored.

I feel avoided and disliked pretty much all the time, unless someone is talking directly to me. Guess how often that happens.

The last time I had a job I began to compensate by speaking to no one in particular, which led everyone to think I was weird, but in my mind it was better than being silent, because silent = giving up. In class I feel more at ease throwing in a comment or answering questions to the class, which has often led to the peculiar result of me being the most vocal person in the class in a way. Everyone's heard my voice, but almost no one's talked to me.

Last semester one of my teacher's sort of snapped in my general direction when I was answering all of her questions (honestly, I waited through 20 seconds of silence and only spoke when it seemed no one else was going to) and that hurt. Somehow I didn't cry right there.

Air Captain wrote:Is anyone else here ever avoided by other people (with or without AvPD)? . . . I'm sure it's "normal" to be slightly avoided, and to avoid slightly in every day life, but what do you, as someone with AvPD, do when you are not the one avoiding, but instead the one being avoided?

Yes - I feel people avoid me. I do not avoid 100%. I make efforts to be with people. I just don't get a positive reaction and it's discouraging.

I suppose the response should be that of the old adage: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. It's hard to do that, but I guess that is the what one should do.

I have found that people won't follow up with me. If I avoid people, they use that as an excuse -- I thought you didn't want me to talk to you or I thought you didn't want to participate. My avoidance becomes the excuse for others to avoid me. That leaves the onus on me to take the initiative and face rejection again.

The dentist who ruined my health avoided me until I filed a compalint against him. Then his house burned and he used that as an excuse to ingnore me again. I filed another complaint, but now my complaint is being ignored it seems. Yes, it is very frustrating. I called his office 6 times and never got an appointment. Lasst year almost his entire staff quit because he was being such a jerk. I don't know what's going on there now.

I got ignored by a lawyer once - public defender. That was really bad too. I've herad of cases where a guys lawyer didn't even show up for court. I actually would have been better off if my lawyer hadn't.

The lesson is that you have to be aggresive in order to get attention in important situations. I should have written a letter to the public defender's office and forwarded a copy to the judge about what a rotten job the lawyer was doing. It might have worked.

To the dentist? I have some ideas of what I can do to him. But I have been trying to focus my energy on getting better. My tongue is burning up this week. My new dentsist tried a sealant last week, but I'm having a reaction to it. I'll go in Monday and have it off. I hope.

I have been e-mailing people and companies loking for materials that may be biocompatable for me. It takes a lot of time and energy. I could go one step higher and file a complaint with the licensing boarrd, but that's a lot of work.

Air Captain wrote:The irony is that I appear too extroverted as somewhat of a defense mechanism. They tend to become annoyed at my openness and ability to be too honest and therefore avoid me as they feel they can not handle me, so to speak.

I fluctuate between being far too open, and far too closed. They avoid me for both reasons.

I know what you mean. Hedgehog's dilemma. They do not feel comfortable either way. I do not feel comfortable also, knowing that being open and honest will make them uncomfortable. I am used to emotional pain, and sometimes I can find rare people who can handle me.

I do not mind being avoided by most people, my problem is their lack of honesty regarding the matter. They just leave me without so much as a reason. I understand I may be hard to talk to, but there is no reason why they should not at least express their circumstances for ignoring/avoiding me instead of just either lying or forcing me to type to an empty window merely attempting to find out.

Some people expect me to read their minds. Things that are obvious and to painful and unpleasant, to speak about, for them, are not for me. I prefer explicit language, instead of puns and hints. Ambiguity, and shallowness is what annoys me.

I express my thoughts when I feel I need to stop communicating with someone. Honesty ensures their understanding or acceptance, and if it is too "brutal", it ensures they will leave me alone.

And if they do not leave me, depending on the person I might become, more brutal or let them have their way, if they are to stubborn to leave unsatisfied.

Apparently this is not a two-way street and others are faced with too much fear regarding honesty. Their ignoring me only makes me more curious. It's a shame they don't see how miserably their plans fail.

Hahaha. If they run I will chase them until they spill their guts and tell me what was the original problem.

But, being aware of this, I try to change.