I'm so tired...

Hello everyone

This is my first post here. This is the first time that I have ever mentioned anything about my problem. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I did not always have it by the way; sadly that makes it all the more painful. I used to be the happiest boy on the face of the earth. I was always surrounded by friends and family. My family is the most loving and caring family on this earth. They happen to be some of the beautiful and brilliant people as well (God bless them all). Also, I had great friends that lived right up the road an right next door to me, on both sides. There was also the small creek down the road and lake as well where we traversed so many times; along with the big hills that we rode our bikes and skateboards on. My neighborhood was like heaven on earth for me.

At elementary school, I was easily one of the most popular kids. Everyone knew my name and liked me alot. I was one of the most out going people on this planet, at that time. Also, I did not give a crap about what people thought about me. I know I'm not the best looking of guys, but back then I knew I looked alot more "dorky" and more unattractive in general; but I didn't care and no body else cared either. All through elementary school, my life was perfect. Sadly, good times don't last forever. After I arrived at middle school, things started going down hill for me. The first thing I noticed was the people: they were the meanest and most angry people I have ever met. I just don't understand how kids could be like that. Somehow, I managed to retain some of my old, happy self; UNTIL THE 7TH F@$!KING GRADE.

The first day of 7th grade didn't seem that bad actually. My life seemingly fell apart in my"language arts class" a few days later. When I was asked to read a passage out loud of a book, these two stupid boys started to laugh at me. At first I didn't care, but after a while it got to me. Everytime I spoke, they laughed out loud, along with a few other morons. This happened EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAID A WORD. It was around this time I found out that I had a lisp. One strange thing is that when people told me that, they seemed to be almost angry about it; it was almostl like I did something wrong when they told me it.

One of the worst days of my life was when I had to go in front of glass to present a book report...

Everyone was done presenting with like a minute left of class, except me (I was too scared to go up). This is when the teacher asked if everyone had gone and said that if you didn't give your presentation, you would get an F on your entire project. I then got up and walked to the front of the class and then said one word: this is when everyone in the whole friggin class (over 25 of them) laughed at me for like 5 seconds straight, then the bell rang. Strangely I didn't feel too upset. The teacher felt sorry for me, and let me do it later during her lunch break.

After that, I knew I could never speak in front of people again. Now I was even afraid to speak out loud, even from my seat because I thought people would laugh at me. Unfortunately I had to make more presentations (in different classes). Everytime I got up I was visibly shaking, sweating, and looking downright scared. People laughed at me everytime as you can guess... (Note: After what happened with my failed presentation in language arts class, the teacher let me make private presentations with her, thank god.)

I still had to read out loud, but not as often as before so the students didn't realize the teacher was giving me a break. Still, everytime I spoke, I was ridiculed horribly. The 7th grade ruined my life. This is where I lost all self esteem, and turned into a different person; I was literally a shadow of my former self. Also, I worked hard on 2 projects for class (near the and of middle and around 10th grade), that I had to orally present in front of class. I failed those because I refused to go in front of class. Luckily, they didn't affect my grade too much because I was at the top of both classes.

Nowadays, I am so afraid to talk to and meet new people, because I'm afraid of what they think about me. I'm so scared to talk sometimes, that I can't even go through a drive through and make an order, because I'm afraid that the person taking my order might laugh at me...how pathetic is that? I muchless can't ask a girl out. I know for a fact that some very pretty, and nice girls liked me, but I was too afraid to do anything; and I let them slip through my fingers as you can guess...

I still have a close circle of friends from the good old days though, I just am not the person I was; so making new friends is a little harder. Luckily, friends have never been a problem, even during my middle school years. Now I'm about to start college and it's paid for with my scholarships that I've earned. I graduated with a 4.1 gpa, and am very proud of myself. I put up with all sorts of crap (ranging from my looks to the way I talked) for a long time, at least my scholly is one thing I can be happy about. I am looking forward to the rest of my life.

As weird as it may seem, I'm not very depressed or anything. I'm still very, very, nervous around big groups of unfamiliar people though, have low self esteem, and scared to talk; not only because of my lisp, but my voice in general because it sounds really goofy as well. A lisp+weird voice=hell. I am also a very respected person, despite my flaws. Many, many people think very highly of me but that does not seem to help my confidence. Also, I get really nervous around pretty girls and have to look away, because I'm afraid of what they think of me and what they'll do if they caught me glancing at them... I try to avoid social situations as well. What can I do to change the way I think about myself? You all don't know what it's like to be happy at one point and be on top of the world and then suddenly feel like crap (for the long term). Feeling what it was like to be carefree and not care what people think about you makes my problem feel even worse. I was once the happiest person, in the days of yore. Now going to the mall and venturing into crowded places in general are like trips into hell because I think people are constantly judging me. One more strange thing about me is that I have a naturally ripped body, a 6 pack and strong, sculpted arms. Even having this "gift" is not helping my confidence out. I go to the beach with friends now and then and when I take off my shirt, I see pretty women looking at me in a seductive way. Sadly, I'm too nervous to do anything and walk away or jump into the water and swim like I didn't see anything...I wonder how long it is before people think I'm going even though I'm not. I've ignored so many beautiful women in my life because of my "problems".


Once again, I know I'm not the best looking man. The few women that got to know me told me what a kind, sensitive person I was, and I knew they liked me alot. Once again, my low self esteem got in the way and those relationships never lasted. I got to know thse girls because of group projects in class, in which I was forced to interact. If it wasn't for this, I would have never approached them.

I'm so tired of living like this. Is there anything I can do to overcome my problems? Anyway, thanka for reading my story. It feels good to get this off of shoulder...somewhat

I had a lisp for a good many years. I know what it's like to be too afraid to talk, and when you do, monitoring every word as you speak it to see if there's an "s" coming up that you can avoid by replacing it with another word. That IS hell.

I hope college goes better for you than high school. Those were some brutal experiences. That would tear apart anyone, having a group of peers heckle you at every WORD. I am more and more convinced that high school is one of the worst ideas in history. I am all for education, but no one should be immersed up to 8 hours a day in a society comprised of half-formed young adults that are looking for some quick way to feel better about themselves at the expense of anybody else.