umm, I think I am among my own kind

I'm forcing myself to write this if for nothing else then to make sure I'm not self-diagnosing incorrectly.

I was just stumbling along (gotta love stumbleupon) and came about the wikipedia page for nerd, which lead me to loner, which lead me to APD, which lead me here among other places.

I don't think I can remember a time before where I felt with this much severity, that's me, it wasn't written about me but that's me to a T. even when I was reading about APD, there were a few points where I said to myself (I know I should censor myself but I need to be honest or I might back out of this post) "###$ you, how the hell did you know that about me" mostly from reading this webpage.

About me: I've always been the socially inept, sit in a corner and look/examine everyone else type personality. I am normally very quiet in any social gathering, except very intimate groups (1-3). However if I am in that size of group with people that I trust, depending on my mood I can be somewhat of a chatterbox.

I'm a sci-fi lover and tend to slip into fantasy and my imagination quite easily (stuff like Doctor Who, or imagining I'm captain of a space ship). With this love of sci-fi I've always admired Spock from Star Trek and have tried to control my emotions except when I'm alone, and even then I still try to be in control of them.

I've got maybe 5 close tight people I trust, but even with them, I find myself not wanting to tell them about the negatives in my life, not wanting to bring down the conversation with my problems.

Even now as I was writing this, I had changed my IM handle to "at a loss for words" so one of those friends messaged me. I first had an internal (and external since I'm alone) debate with myself about telling him, then I made him swear the conversation was to be kept private. Then after I told him and he responded, I waited for a split second wondering if I wanted to read his response, for fear of what he might say or if he would think less of me. When I directed him to the APD wikipedia page, his exact response "if i didn't see all the references below, i could've sworn since it's wikipedia that you wrote that yourself, no offence of course"

I've always taken criticism badly, no matter how small. I can remember is high school, not being happy with the say 40 questions I got right but focussing on the 2 or 3 I got wrong and berating myself and not even being able to look at the tests again, knowing I would just see the blatant stupidity of the wrong answers.

I'm 21 and recently been becoming even more of a hermit as it were, avoiding a small christian house church I used to enjoy for weeks on end (which I started doing when I said I would create a song database, and never did, but constantly got called on it everytime I went to the group). I think my personal best record for not leaving the house recently is three weeks. I also don't shave simply for the reason that I don't see a point to do it.

As far as relationships as in love, of the one serious relationship I had, it was online, and I preferred it since most of the communication was e-mail and IM where I could chose my words carefully. As far as a real relationship, in high school I was always the friend, not the boyfriend. I also don't want to expose and put anyone else though my crap, almost not wanting to make them suffer through the person that is me.

I could probably write more, but I think I've already over exposed myself, even when signing up I made sure to use the surname of one of my trusted friends to try to make sure this couldn't be translated back to me. I do sincerely apologize if I'm completely wrong, and just off on a winger, coming to a revelation that I have no business being in. Also I apologize for the length, I wanted to make sure I wrote exactly why I'm feeling this way, and I tend to be wordy if I get writing anyways.

I tried to emulate Spock a bit in high school. That time was so awful I needed to try something. I used to go out only at night. Midnight to 4 am were the best times.

I have a similar take on relationships. I always figured that I didn't want some woman wasting her time with me when she could be with someone better. At age 21 you still have time to get your act together in the relationship area. I tell thhis to all the guys - there is a time limit there. When you get into your 30s you don't get so much interest from women. Go to college and major in sewing wild oats! That's the best time to meet women.

Look into cognitave behavioral therapy. It could help to just read about it. If things are really bad you might have to search for a therapist. It is VERY hard to find a good therapist though. I want you to keep that in mind if you go looking. You may have to go through 3 or 4 before finding someone good.

It's a pretty big shock, reading about AvPD for the first time. Most of us went through something similar.

Everyday of my life i've mubled a rhetorical "what the ###$ is wrong with me?" and it almost made me puke when I stumbled on the answer.

I found it through wikipedia too, looking up insomnia