Life, Stress and Everything in Between

I don't usually post to these sites so it's really my first time here. I found Avoidant Personality Disorder through my friend, who shared a lot of problems with each other. I've frequented the chatroom that was advertized here once but I had some problems of my own I couldn't solve so I left.

Recently, I had to present our group work to the class. We were all scared and feared this specific moment. My group member said it'll be alright, it's just this one time we have to go through; once we're up there, everything will be okay. Our presentation was not nearly complete nor ready for a presentation, and I regretfully knew it; unlike my members, who seemed satisfied with the work. On the day of the presentation, my entire body felt like a volcano, ready for its eruption. And eruption, there was. My group leader began talking to the class about our presentation, our work and our video's. Everything sounded nice, well toned, well spoken and articulate. The class appeared to be in-tune. Ahh but the speaker handed this "nice, toned, spoken and articulate[ness]" over to me and the ship has sunk.

If there ever was a ship that left the harbour, I sunk it and I know I have. I stood up there in front of the class shaking (I mean literally shaking). My hands held a remote that was directed to the IR sensor in the middle of the class: the class watching the powerpoint behind my back. I was as "extenporaeneous" as I could be by not reading from my slide (as possible). But I did not care about the topic of our discussion. In fact, I forgot what I was supposed to talk about! But to make matters worse: the eyes that stared at me; the whispers of the classmates; the shuffling of their feet; few walking out of the classroom; few talking amongst themselves about how horrible I am; some exchanging a (rediculously empty) sheet of paper: they were all talking about me. Yes, they were talking about me and I had known it. It was like walking into a nightmare only that the nightmare was real and the dream was not. The word nightmare is perhaps overused and mundane that there is not an emotional richness I am trying to convey here.

After my (long) presentation, my other so-called member stood up to take over but I was nothing more than a shipwreck. This is no ordinary "nervousness or shyness" as some has purported I have, it's much worse than that. Of course our day has ended pithy. Our member were ecstatic. "It's finally over! Let's party!" said one of the member. But I surely was not happy. In my car and at home, I couldn't stop shaking. I kept reflecting back on the hands, the feet, the whispers, the small sounds they made, their movements, no I was not okay; I felt sick: I became sick. I didn't want to leave my home. I have humiliated my life and myself for this project! Now they expect me back to the class! No!

This is but a many of my experience happening in my life. I don't feel like I am normal. I don't feel like I belong here (Earth). I know the above have the "stage frieght" listed in their heads: that's not it. I won't list all my experience though but because that's my recent experience, I wrote it.

Avoiding any social situations and gatherings, party and those areas where people are present is very easy. But when your educations is in line, what do you do?

I want to understand how you guys deal with these kinds of situations where you can't run from the inevitable. You must face it. I have run from these situations before, facing a big F on my test. You are all smart and well-read here compared to I am. Help me.

Hi,

I'm 25 now but was just like you when I first began giving presentations to groups of people. I was agoraphobic, in fact, and couldn't bear the glares of the people in my class as I stood-up presenting something. Now, however, people say that I appear extremely confidant when giving them. In fact, I now enjoy giving presentations because i like being in control at the top of the class.


Two pointers:
- Make sure that you are well-prepared
- Know your topic well
- Do a re-run of what you are going to say in your head prior to actually giving the presentation


You should also be aware that you are going to magnify everything that goes wrong. I mean, if your hands shake a bit, you are going to remember them as shaking a lot. These things will get easier as you do more of them.

Kevin.

Hey there, welcome and thanks for posting.

I can definitely relate to your experience. For that reason I have in the past avoided wherever possible speaking in front of groups of people. Even in social contexts with people I know fairly well, I get tongue-tied as soon as attention is placed on me.

I used to feel absolutely mortified by this sort of experience, as it seems you feel. I think Chucky gave you some good advice, particularly with respect to making sure you are well prepared. Those like us really have to be prepared, we (at least I) cannot 'wing' speaking in front of a group of people. If I am not prepared, my face flushes, my tongue gets tied, I feel like I am trembling, and I feel like every person is judging me mercilessly for being the total fool I think I am.

Fear of public speaking is a very common experience, so try not to think yourself as being uniquely deficient in this area. Try to cut yourself some slack. As Chucky said, I bet you didn't appear as badly as you think. Even if you did - ask yourself, why is that horrible?

We can allow our minds to blow things out of proportion and attach unrealistic meanings to our experiences. This is how we work ourselves up with anxiety and depression and beat ourselves up mentally. One thing that can help is to practice fighting these irrational thoughts about our experiences.

For instance, say your observations are correct and you were trembling through your presentation. So what? Is that really, truly horrible? Sometimes we need to put things in perspective. I would say that if a bomb fell on my neighbourhood, and people were blown to bits, now THAT would be horrible.

So, your presentation went poorly, at least you think it did. Is that a horrible thing? Realistically, it was likely very uncomfortable and embarrassing, but not horrible. You survived. You are ok. Chalk it up to a lesson learned about preparation being key to any presentation. Try not to catastrophize your experience, that will make you feel bad. I don't think we should do or think anything that makes us feel bad.

I know it seems awful when you consider that other people (i.e. your classmates) are criticizing you. But again, put it in perspective. Is it really awful? No matter what they say or think, you will survive. Nothing they can say or think can affect you directly, only if you give power to it. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, to perform poorly. Give yourself a break.

Some say practice makes perfect, and the more you speak in front of groups the easier it gets. I'm sure there is truth in that. There are courses in public speaking where all you do is make speeches until you are no longer nervous. But, I think people like you and I have a special sort of anxiety over these things. We need more than that to make it ok.

Have you talked to a doctor about some sort of drug/sedative to help calm your nerves (preferably something non-addictive)? I discovered a natural supplement called GABA, which is available at most natural supplement stores. I can take one or two of these capsules and my nerves even out dramatically. The side effect is a tiny bit of drowsiness, but for me it's a small price to pay for helping me socialize and reducing my anxiety.

Anyway... just some thoughts for you to think on, I'm no expert and others may have better advice. Good luck to you. I hope you don't feel so bad about your presentation.

Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your quick reply.

I do remember when I was in 6th grade, transitioning into a new school, I took part in summer school, and speech class was one of them. In this speech class, the main goal was to talk in front of the class with a microphone and be able to emphasize your point quite soundly and articulately. At this time, I remember holding the microphone and was asked a lot of questions. All I remember was their faces, their watchful eyes, their impatience growing on me for taking substancial amount of time on one question that I never answered. I remember in my 6th grade class where I had to give my presentation with my (best - though no long is) friend. I stood there, completely forgot the actual topic at hand and what I needed to say and kept watching their actions. Not only was I watching their actions, I kept thinking how I could talk without acting extremely nervous, and on top of that, I was trying to force myself to talk. It's bizarrely uncontrolable and not in my expertise to juggle three or four things at once.

On one of your pointers, I do say I was quite prepared for my area. I had to mention what Conflicts were; the misconception of conflict; and types of conflict, in that order. I have recited everything I needed to say and quite emotionally stood as confident as I could be (or so I thought). The moment I stood up there, nothing was the same. I thought I was dealing with my own section and my own topic but now I had to watch how others saw me as a person. I also watched how they saw my vocal cords (my pitch - if I was monotonous or high pitched); I watched how they saw my powerpoint (perhaps critiquing my powerpoint as simple or had no relevance to what I was talking about); I watched how some took notes only to find how worthless that note-taking were and closed their books; I watched the small whispers and their waving of hands as if asking each other (do you understand what he's talking about? [hand gentures] No, his nervousness is driving him crazy. [laughs and looks up]).

Observing them was one thing but observing how I spoke was another (as in another part of my difficulty). My tone of voice was high. High and loud was good enough so that everybody could hear but within this loud voice, I shook like an Earthquake within my body. This shaking was shown through my external shaking: hands and feet. Not only did I shake in my voice, my hands and my feet, I shook in my own topic. From the beginning of the session, I asked the class what they think a Conflict is and my thought ran into me, "what if they answered the question correctly what will I do then?" or "what if they didn't answer correctly, how could I step in?" The thoughts ran in my head as any train running in the track without brakes. This shaking was met with a desire to say the "right words" without "falling under my own fear" but that inately had a lot of lists as well.

I make a huge deal out of this event out of my own social contacts because I do not socialize with others that much, and when I do it is out of importance or necessity.

On your second point, I feel as though I knew my topic well. I could (hopefully) sit here and talk about my own section in great detail without the added stress in-between. But knowing my topic and actually going up there, without monitoring their action; monitoring my own self; and forcing perfection from imperfections was met with anger frustration and in the end confusion, was something I didn't know how to do.

I am quite aware of "magnifying everything that goes wrong." I am aware if I did these things often, it will get easier. But I disagree. I have done these things as I grew up and from the time I was in Elementary school and going up. It is still not getting easier. I was part of many speech (well not class) - meetings? It was an area at school where speech teacher would talk to us in speaking correctly, where to place emphasis and so on. I think it has been an on-going struggles in my life.

Thank you for your response Kevin.

By the way, I just wanted to add that if your classmates really were laughing and criticizing your nervousness, then they are a bunch of immature assholes, and maybe you need to think of them like that.

I have been a witness of people who are very nervous and shaking when giving a presentation, and I have *never* laughed or made fun of them. Quite the opposite - I have always empathized greatly and tried to send an encouraging, understanding glance. Maybe I'm in the minority because I understand, but honestly, I have never (apart from public schools) seen other students making fun of those who are nervous. So, I think your classmates are jerks. Try not to attach any significance to their asinine reactions.

Hi again,

Interesting reply ther, Aloneinthewoods. Trents asked erlier if you have seen a doctor about this - have you? Maybe, instead of worrying about why the presentation went bad, you should look at why you came to this particular forum: The Avoidant Personality Disorder Forum. What I mean is, why exactly do you think you are Avoidant? Can you pinpoint it to anything in your past or have you just 'always been this way'?

Kevin.

Hi Trent. Thank you for your response.

I have tried to avoid any type of attention: either in speech class (as necessity to advance in our curriculum) or even in any place where people are present, even though I don't often go out there enough. I do feel tongue-tied and lose any sense of thoughts I once placed before.

I honestly feel as though I was prepared. But this was a group effort and we, as a group, didn't and haven't discussed enough about our roles; and if we most certainly are ready emotionally. And our leader lacked any sense of leadership in communicating with us or sharing us informations. In fact, out of all our group communication, we spoke 3 to 4 times as a group, and within those times, we didn't focus (to which it would be satisfactory) the details of our group work. So I may not have been prepared in a sense. I'm not sure. And I didn't want to push my members to work on our group work to such an extent to which they'd see me as some kind of perfectionist or an ass. I wanted to avoid any of that.

I really wish I could continue to believe that I didn't do this work as bad as I believe I did but the criticism I received in our grades and the blunt comment about my nervousness made me feel as though it really was that bad.

How do you fight these kinds of irrational thoughts? I have tried at my second job where it required some sort of human communication. I was forward there from an agent and I was required to do the work that's handed to me or finish (basically) the work overload and pick up the phone (if necessary). This wasn't even a practice I'd venture out in reality though I wanted to give it a try. No, I had to. I can't be living in a shell all my life, avoiding these things. But this turned out to be harder than taking a test at school (and it is still hard to take test at school). The first day, I entered I acted (or tried to) professional and spoke professionally. I met my managers and supervisers and was brought to my desk and to the work that I was assigned. I was introduced to few of the co-workers. I was taught by one of the co-worker there. A person so withdrawn from any society and communications from people in general, being "taught" by a co-worker was hard. I had to talk in a way that I knew what I talked about and talked so that that talking sounded "normal." But I was at a lost: what is normal? I had to fight through this for 3 month until I quit (not knowing how to cope with the job and myself and the people around me). I tried to look for an emotional refuge and tried to look for someone I could trust but I kept landing on landminds.

Your examples are comforting but how do you think so that it is not irrationally taking a hold of you? Like say I am meeting a long (lost) friend who I knew in elementary school (only an example). And all the emotions running through you like in space. You know hydrogens and oxygens are out in the sky in our atmosphere but how do we identify them and take a hold of them before they are left in a controled environment where bombs are built? I know my thoughts may be irrational and irregular but like in mathematics, changing an irrational value to rationality seems or is hard or impossible (or am I not informed of this?).

My presentation feels like a rejection I felt at work. It feels like a loss of something so valuable but I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe my dignity was placed on a pedestal and that was free to criticism and/or rejection? I don't know. It does feel like my friend rejecting me or criticising my every move to the point where I feel numb. I no longer know how to feel and how to react to a situation. I would rather run and stay in my own zone of comfort then to be there, out in the wilderness.

Yes I know everybody feels some sort of emotional difficulty. But everybody becomes fixated into single body which happens to be me. I need to know how to be myself and act and react to a situation, in class. I just don't know what I used to know and how I knew them.

I do agree (though) that practice does makes perfect. But in this case, no matter how many practice I get, I can't fit to the standard of remotely close to normal.

I've never talked to a doctor before. In fact, I haven't even talked to my parents about myself. I'm not sure if I could even come to my own sense to sit and talk about myself. Talk about how much irrational thoughts my mind and my own heart feels even by steping out of my own home. I used to be fearful of driving in my own car, especially when stopping at a red light. I felt as though they were watching me, every move I made and every thoughts I made (definitely not rational). I still fear meeting new people and/or maintaining friendship with my old friends (I don't have any friends in real life). I am not doing so well in school and nothing seems to be at a straight line where thought is possible. But I'll take a look into your natural supplement.

Thank you once again

I had to give a presentation in college. It was just horrible. I knew what I was doing and I had very detailed notes on what to say. I was using one of those overhead projectors and I made the mistake of looking at it too long. The light was so bright that when I looked back at my notes I saw nothing but a big blob. That's when my hands started shaking really bad. I was very embarrassing.

But nobody ever died from embarassment. You have to remember that it will not kill you. Maybe you did badly, but maybe you are exagerating how bad it was. But the past is in the past. Don't dwell on it.

I try to deal with things like this by remembering this: life is a joke. We struggle to get ahead and make something out of life. But in the end we all end up in the same place. In a few million years the whole human species will be extinct anyway. What does a bad speech mean?

Aloneinthewoods, keep in mind that I am definitely not a professional and am not really qualified in that sense. I can just tell you what works for me, and if you try it hopefully it will work for you, too.

I feel for you as you explain the depth of pain it caused you to [suffer a failure in your presentation. You also gave an excellent example of the fear you feel/felt when stopping at a red light while driving in your car - as if all eyes are upon you, judging you. That sort of hypervigilence reminds me of myself at certain times in my life. When I was a teenager, particularly. I remember walking across a bridge, and when traffic would stop I felt like every driver was staring at me. I would grow so flustered and embarrassed, imagining the judgments flowing through every driver's mind, that I even had trouble walking properly (or so it seemed).

As for attacking irrational thoughts, from what I have read and from my own experience, the only thing that works is practice. I started out for a few months with a thick notepad, in which I would write out the unpleasant emotion, the irrational thought behind it, and then work on refuting it with a rational thought. I borrowed this technique from a form of cognitive behaviour therapy called REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy - Click here for more info on REBT). Eventually, I got to the point where with many repeated experiences I recognized irrational thoughts right away and refuted them in my head immediately. Most often, this technique pretty much eliminates the anxiety in that situation. Currently, I still sit down and write out my irrational thoughts, but now I need only do it once or twice a week, and only when my emotions disturb me and I need to investigate the cause. Unpleasant emotions (for me) are almost always caused by irrational thoughts.

The most effective thing for me is to refute the fear of what people are thinking about me. This is my biggest enemy. It's hard to fight when I am fighting years of irrational thinking along these lines. I think being bullied and rejected by my peers in public school was the most powerful experience that makes me fear the rejection of others, even to this day. The irrational thinking exercises have been a huge help in the process of healing.

You can do these writing exercises after the fact. So if you find yourself in your hypothetical situation of meeting your old school friend and having so many emotions and thoughts swirling around that you can't seem to target the irrational thoughts making you tongue-tied, no worries. You can go home, and work through that experience and discover what was behind the negative emotions. The theory behind this is that the next time you encounter a similar situation, you will have already done the work and should be able to calm yourself down.

Anyway, not sure if that helps or if I am making enough sense. Any questions, just let me know.

P.S. Here is another site devoted to refuting irrational thinking: http://rebt-cbt.net/ That site does a better job than the wikipedia entry at explaining the practicality of this form of therapy.

Oh god, I had to give a presentation today in front of a class of 35 people. This was the class I was considering dropping once I found out I'd have to present. I actually considered changing my major because it is a core class. I had dreaded this for the past 3 months. It has kept me awake at night for the past 2 weeks.

Anyhow, I did it. I stuttered and mumbled and forgot what I was going to say. I shook and felt like I was going to pass out. At the end I had to take questions in order to defend my topic. I basically just agreed with them when they tried to pull me apart. At the end they didn't even give me a round of applause like they did for everyone else! It was horrible. I've felt like vomiting all day. I don't even know if I can face that class again.