What do you think caused your avoidant personality?

I’m kind of the same way, except for having parents who were masters of emotional abuse. Other than that, no physical or sexual abuse, no neglect, plenty well provided for, at least materially.

I can truly relate to this. I was never sexually abused or physically abused (they did hit me but they knew what they were doing) just some emotional abuse but I don't think you could truly call it abuse. They never screamed at me or did anything too harsh, if I was emotionally abused it was in subtle ways that I never noticed until I became interested in psychology. I've always been poor but I had food on the table everyday and that's the only thing that matters. If you read my story you can see that nothing serious happened to me. I always felt like I was a screw up because I wanted to be a screw up, which makes no sense but I still felt like that. Only when I became aware of the true nature of mental illnesses I understood that you don't need to be raped or beaten to near death to become a mentally ill person.

From what I remember when I was a kid my mother was always cold when dealing me. Maybe because I was an unplanned pregnacy on a 17 year old girl...what did she know, anyway. Later she became quite authoritive and after I was completely screwed up at age 18, unable to form any kind of relationships, she started ignoring me and devoting herself to my little brother and my sister(also younger).

My father was always not there and when he was he never really said anything or participated with anything.

This is from my perspective; one day she told a psychologist(that latter told me), I was "normal" until the age 3, but then became overly-shy. She also told him at that age I changed school like 3 or 4 times in one year...I'm thinking that didn't help much.

I avpd, therefore I am.

I grew up shy and clinging to my mother. Then in school, I had a best friend. I clung to her for years. It was very difficult to lose that best friend. I found a replacement best friend during each phase I went through. I always had my "comrade in arms" there. I never needed more than that friend or two who I found and brought into my life.

Since my school years are over, I have become increasingly depressed. I have never been more isolated. When I was in school, I always managed to find that someone to be close to. No more. I have been adrift for some years now. I do have a close friend or two, but they don't live near me. When I lost them to relocation, I was devastated because at the point I am in my life, there is not a replacement there for me. I ache for it. I miss it.

I inherited it from my mother. I grew up in an environment that nurtured my Cluster C pds. There is no question about it. My birth order didn't help, either. I was the youngest child in the family. There were basically two families, my older siblings and then me. I grew up essentially an only child, which has contributed significantly to my isolation.

Only a few years ago I realized that what is wrong with me has a name other than "weirdo," "loner" or "crazy." I have repeatedly fallen for unattainable love objects who either rejected me outright or didn't know I existed. The pattern began. It continues. Awareness has helped to finally start healing the wounds of repetitive self-inflicted trauma.

New here and thought jumping in on this thread is as good a place as any to start.

I was an accidental pregnancy. My parents had two daughters and then there was a thirteen year gap before me - not hard to work out I wasn't planned! My mother was 42 when she had me and back in the 70s that wasn't usual.

My parents had me but I know it made their lives harder but I also had to contend with the resentment of my older sisters who suddenly had a baby in the house.

I found it very difficult to make friends and found it difficult to relate to the other kids. Most of them had siblings that were close in age. I guess I wasn't very socialized as most of my parents friends didn't have kids my age and there were no cousins or anything like that.

When I did make friends at school, the friendships often felt like they meant so much to me but this was never reciprocal. They had other friends, family to interact with they didn't need me. I lived in a very adult world and my parents were almost a generation older than theirs so relating to my peers was difficult.

I found it difficult to talk to my parents as they were often busy, preoccupied or just worn out. They were strict, which has its good points, but as pretty much every other kid I knew was allowed to get away with things I couldn't it was a weird way to be. I got bullied because I wouldn't misbehave and if I did misbehave I got into trouble - the very thought of which made me anxious and miserable. If other kids did something and I was there, I got punished. It got to the point where I'd be expecting the blame just because some kid in my school was in trouble. Helped along by my mother asking if they went to my school and then giving me a lecture about whatever it was they'd done even if there was no way in a million years I'd do it. I felt like everything was my fault and often I still do.

Added to this was the ongoing resentment of my sisters about my existing. I had to share a room with them so much of the normal teenaged activities such as having friends over was out for them and such things as lack of money were blamed on me. So, my sisters bullied me as well - often getting me into trouble - and I was treated as an annoyance.

It was this (perceived?) lack of ability to trust or confide in those close to me that made me a target for bullies and the abusive kid from next door (he himself was being abused). Anything I complained about was met with questions "Why have you been bullied?" Like I knew! Dismissed with "Hit them back" or "Play with someone else" and so on. So I stopped asking for help, stopped telling them when I was miserable and, like others here, retreated into fantasy especially through reading (which also got me bullied!).

I really didn't fit in at school, it was more a case of surviving it, ticking off the days until I could leave and get away from the people in it (not just the other kids). I just didn't feel comfortable and because there is so much peer pressure to conform to certain modes of dress and behaviour it was like a daily torture. I often pulled a sicky and one day walked out and went home because I was so stressed and becoming physically ill. The "help" I got was the doctor prescribing meds for nervous indigestion which stopped the acid stomach I was having but no-one was interested in looking at the cause or I got a caustic "What's wrong with you" and told to "stop being silly" or "just get on with it" as if I could turn off my fears and emotions. Instead I became good at hiding them or just hiding and unfocusing and going off into daydreams because the reality was making me miserable.

Anyway, those are what I think are the root causes.

Glad to be here and meet you all.

Hugs

Ghost

I have a vague memory of my childhood but it may just suggest that I was too naive and oblivious about what was going on around me as I was growing up - I was behind in growing up. Sitting in front of the computer at this moment, I cannot honestly remember anything happy or pleasant in my childhood! I only remember the negative things that happened to me...

One prominent memory comes from a time when I was around 5-7 years old. It was near midday in the weekend and mum and dad was still in the bedroom with the door closed and locked... (you know what I am talking about). Although I had not thoroughly understood what was actually happening in there. I felt rejected and threatened. My thinking constructs was that the parents had abandoned their children outside of their room. My reflex behaviour was outright protest. I wanted to make them guilty of what they had done by banging on furniture and screaming out "they don't love us!"

I was also a victim to the big sister jealousy syndrome. She was the intellectual, mature and role model specie that all the family talks about in high regard and pride. The most irritating thing about it is how well she gets along with mum. I used to cry myself to sleep twice a week or just eavesdrop and agonise over the intimate and engaging conversations they had late at night in her room after mum came home from work. I was jealous but heartbroken that I couldn't relate naturally with my mum and like that - I was too naive and immature.

Lastly, my dad is a mentally distraught adult. During my childhood, he constanly talked in his sleep with a dramatic, emotional and vulgar manner. He'd target somebody who'd crossed paths with my dad badly either of late or has marked themelves in my dad's long term memory. He even would get physical such as getting out of bed and walking up and down using profane language or punching his fists onto the bed and I was there in the room closeby, my heart at stress and furious that my dad could concoct such evil thoughts and discourse.

These are just some of the abnormal cirumstances that I found myself in during my childhood.

I think the fact that I met a lot of people misused me and manipulated me to an extreme, whilst subtle at the same time, caused me to view others in a more negative light.
However, for the majority of my life I have been very shy, or introverted. I have felt more peace investing in my own world, than trying to fit into the external one (even though I knew how to survive in the external one).
I would guess that I was a "momma's boy" growing up as I had lost my biological mom at a very early age and was made at her for "abandoning" me. Therefore, because of my desperate craving for maternal nurturing, I subconsciously "latched" onto my adoptive mom, even though I knew she would never be able to take the place of my real mom.
I think that this focus on the feminine side of me caused me to be more sensitive to my environment and more prone to pain from it. Therefore, as I was unable to reconcile the constant pain others caused me, whilst knowing, and more often unknowing, I decided to avoid most people. That brings me to my job in driving a truck. However, I have found that when I am involved in an intimate relationship, I have a form of support that brings me to not view my extreme sensitivity in a negative light, as I crave that affection.
Therefore, I believe in finding my "soul mate" so that I can rest from the paranoia, but I need to be sure I don't settle for someone who is far from being similar to me.

i have really enjoyed everyone's stories.
i am hoping that bumping this topic toward the top will encourage others to share as well.

i myself am just realizing that i have characteristics of this personality. i know my MD treating me for ADD RX management is thinking he's onto some diagnosis or 'problem' as he calls it... telling me "i wonder if you have always blamed others for things, and not accepted the responsibility yourself" etc.

my parents divorced.
i am the youngest of 3 boys.
my late teens and early 20's... crucial years... I was always in an environment where i was considered to be the cool guy, so regardless of what or how i acted i was accepted. i soon learned that outside of these environments i diddnt feel like who i wanted to be... so i avoided them.
eventually life catches up, and i cant always be the cool guy in my little sub-culture of friends and acquaintences... even though on the outside of my sub-culture i had created I knew i diddnt like certain people, or how they made me feel.... i often saw myself taking a submissive role in many environments... a complete contradiction to when i was in MY environment... i was a leader. (when given the advantage - but taking it was somethign i couldnt do)...

i studied about being a youngest child while in college and noticed a lot of qualities i have because of that...

i wonder what birth order many of those here are...

social situations became more and more hard as i grew up and out of my cool little group. now in my 30's and i find it interfereing with my ability to really progress and make something more of myself... studying more about it... learning and searching for answers is what has brought me here...

any personal comments are welcomed. to my inbox or PM, if you have anything to share.
thank you for listening.
it is what we all need isnt it... someone to listen.

Hoo boy, I could write a book on why I have AvPD. Throw in a few rotten teachers, classmates, and so-called friends; bullying, teasing, verbal abuse and sexual harrassment, and hit puree. Sorry if this ends up being long.

I was the weird and shy kid in my family. And we all know how that usually turns out, right? Add that to the fact that we moved nearly every year. Oh boy, being the new kid every single year. What fun! Add to that a horrific overbite that didn't get fixed until after high school, and you have the poster child for Avoidant Personality Disorder.

My first grade teacher told me to my face that she couldn't wait for Parents Night so she could tell my parents how stupid I was. We moved before Parents Night. Up yours, Mrs. Macauley.

Evil witch of a 3rd grade math teacher. I've blocked most of it out (including her name, I'm afraid I'll have a seizure if I ever manage to recall it) but I do remember her SCREAMING at me if I answered a question wrong or left my homework in the other classroom. I was honestly afraid of her. I hope a house fell on her.

Anyway, I first really started to notice the teasing and bullying among my darling classmates around the 4th grade. Another girl in my class (another outcast like me, so we got along pretty well) told me that the other girls were making fun of me behind my back because I was so quiet and shy. Like that is such a terrible thing.

There was this boy in the same 4th grade class who had it in for me. His name was Cedric and I still hate his guts to this day. And to this day I don't know what I did to deserve his abuse. Once I was standing up front of the class. The teacher called up Cedric to stand next me. His response? "I don't want to stand next to the dog!" Charming. I'll never forget the sneer in his voice when he said that. Another time we were learning about food labels and ingredients and such. Our homework was to collect a bunch of food labels from home and paste them on a piece of posterboard into a collage. My mother helped me with that project and for some godforsaken reason she put a label from a can of dog food onto my collage. You can see where this is going, don't you? I passed up my collage and Cedric, who sat in the next row over, saw it and the dog food label. He turned to me and asked with a sh*t-eating grin, "Hey Nicolletta, did it taste good?"

6th grade. Another move, another new school. Except this time I am the new kid during *the last two months of the school year*. Believe me, it was as awful as it sounds. I should know, I lived through it. You would have thought I was the plague the way some of those kids treated me. Once I was nearly beaten up on the playground. Why? I don't know. Just for being there, I guess.

Middle school was a blur of teasing and bullying. My haircut was wrong. My clothes were wrong. My taste in music was wrong. I did manage to make a few good friends that made it all tolerable. I still miss them.

By the time I got to high school I had learned not to speak up and not to draw attention to myself since I would just be shot down in a flaming wreckage of humiliation and abuse. The "friends" I had weren't really friends since I was so starved for companionship I let anyone and everyone walk all over me. Then come the four boys--Scott, Jeff, Jimmy and Jason--who made my life at high school a living hell. They were convinced that I was on drugs, I was a slut, I was stupid and ugly and worthless, and they made damn sure I was reminded of those things every single day. So Mon-Fri I was verbally abused, emotionally abused, and sexually harassed by those clowns. I withdrew inward and just didn't care about anything anymore. I couldn't turn to my parents because they didn't understand how bad it was (and when I did I got the old "Just ignore it"). I couldn't turn to the teachers because they didn't care. I couldn't turn to my friends because I didn't have any. Needless to say, no dates, no boyfriends, and no prom for me. The abuse didn't stop until I graduated and got the hell out of there.

Once, after graduating, Scott came into the fast food place I was working at and I ended up having to wait on him. He made some wisecrack about me being a "dropout". Too bad I didn't reach across the counter and strangle him.

So my school days taught me that I was ugly, stupid, a freak, worthless, dumb, a nobody, nothing I did was right, nothing I said mattered, nothing I did mattered, and I was below the bottom of the pecking order. Those things were drilled into me daily, so it must be true, right?

After high school I still didn't care. I didn't go out much, I just stayed home and watched my movies and crocheted or drew pictures. Now, nearly 20 years after high school, I still don't care. I can't make myself go out and do things and find a meaningful relationship because I will just end up being rejected and humiliated. When I look in the mirror I still see the same worthless nobody I was back in high school. I would rather be alone. At least I can't get hurt when I'm alone.

My first memory is of me having a panic attack. I can remember being very sensitive by the age of five, and having daily panic attacks and being in a near constant state of worry by the age of seven. My best guess is that this was simply the result of genetics. Avoidance soon became my coping mechanism, and it has had most of my life to develop into the monster that it is today.

In one of my recent psychology lectures, I realized that the reason probably lied in my parents, because they were somewhat authoritative when I grew up. In other words, my parents, especially my father, was very strict on rules, and he hardly gave me any freedom. I was hardly loved, and he forced me into playing baseball and the piano at a very young age. I hate both of them, and I even told him that, but I had no way out of it. He let me quit baseball soon because I realized I had no talent, but he wouldn't let me quit the piano until early high school.

My father had so many rules it was quite ridiculous. He was so strict about TV usage, that he bought a machine that locked on the TV so that I had to punch in my own 4-digit number to watch TV, and I only had a certain amount of time in my account. Once I run out of time, the TV automatically shuts off.

He was quite threatening with my school grades. Although there were some rewards, there were more punishment rules enforced. I remember one time he got annoyed at the fact that I couldn't hear him too well because I was listening to my CD player with my headphones on in the car, that he made a rule where I can only listen to my CD player with my headphones on in my room.

My curfew during high school was usually 9 PM or 9:30 PM, which prevented me from hanging out with the very few friends that I had. My parents never even realized that I didn't really have a social life. They mentioned about prom once right before I started high school, and it was never mentioned again, and quite frankly, I don't think they are sure if I went to prom or not when I was in high school.

Anyways, with all these strict rules that my father enforced, like the definition of authoritative parenting says, it limited my social skills with other people, and my self-confidence is nowhere to be found.