What do you think caused your avoidant personality?

I never made friends as a kid. I don't know why. From the first day in first grade no one talked to me and I didn't talk to them. It didn't strike me as out of place back then.

My dad was a paranoid freak and moved me out into the country so we could escape the government. We lived without food, shelter, electricity and water for quite a while. Kind of like pioneers, except without any of the survival knowledge that let them build cabins and raise crops and stuff. Dad kept me out of school for a few years and forbid me to see any of the neighbors, since he believed that anyone that saw the way we lived would take us away.

So when I finally do get back into school at around the age of puberty, I have zero social skills and look like I live in the woods, which I did. I was that ugly smelly girl that everyone thinks is autistic or retarded because she doesn't speak. I learned to unfocus my eyes and go into my own world to avoid the disgust and hatred of my peers. I went for entire months sometimes without opening my mouth at all. When I was forced to speak, it was difficult.

I also got a whole heap of rejection from my family. Everyone does, but I suppose things were worsened because they were the ONLY people that talked to me. The only thing worse than having to share a room with your dad is having to share a room with your dad while he doesn't shut up about how ugly and stupid and fat you are. Mom was more of a "I wish you'd never been born" person that was distant and cold when she wasn't complaining about her own problems or blaming them on me.

Things got better when I moved away from my dad. I'm at the point where I can be in a room of people without hating myself constantly, though I don't know if I'll ever be able to socialize casually. At this point I'm not sure if I even want to. I've got someone to come home to now so I'm feeling pretty good.

Karana, I am really sorry to hear about your parents and the crap they inflicted on you. Sounds like you overcame it with a lot of strength, though.

So was it that other students at your school knew your backstory, so to speak, or could they simply surmise your difference from your behavior alone? One confusing thing for me as an AvPDer is knowing whether or not people notice my actions, or whether or not I am acting in any shade of an acceptable manner.

And unfocusing your eyes? Mine have begun to do that on their own when I am nervous in public! Unfortunately it happened when I was driving two days ago, so looks like the bus from now on. How did you teach yourself to control it?

I think being picked on in middle school and not having a great deal of close relationships in high school is what did it for me. It made me focus on what I feel is wrong with me.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and they have been really interesting to read.
It seems like a lot of us were really negatively affected by our parents in one way or another. My father was physically abusive in various ways, and it was not always predictable. Like, my 2 brothers and my parents and I would be sitting at the dinner table and suddenly my Dad would lash out and slap me or one of my brothers and it would be for something stupid like we were making too much noise clicking our forks against our teeth. It would have been easier to handle if there was a warning, but it was always out of nowhere. Other punishments included having to hold up a heavy stapler straight out with our arms for long periods of time, and rough spankings with a leather belt. Etc. Another thing he'd do was try to do some home tutoring for me in different subjects like math and reading. When he felt I wasn't understanding, it wasn't long before he'd get a sarcastic, sneering tone and start talking to me in really condescending tones. Ironically, the more this happened, the more I started to dread this treatment, and the less I was able to concentrate on what he was teaching me, thereby "causing" the condescending treatment. So, long story short, I was terrified of my Dad (my Mom was a lot nicer, she'd slap us sometimes, but not very hard, and only if she lost her temper). When I got to be a teenager, I was wierd and I basically sucked at making friends - I assumed everyone would just make fun of me (not unlikely, in the poisonous atmosphere of high school). I made a few friends but they were also the wierd ones. I remember at one point in junior high thinking that if I could just dress like the popular, outgoing kids, I'd fit right in, but it wasn't true. Not only could my family not afford those clothes, but um I think you needed to live in a certain section of town to really be "in" with them. After a while I didn't care though. I'm 25 now and still having a lot of trouble trusting people not to reject me. I am good friends with my Mom, and my Dad and I have a cordial relationship, but there is a lot that remains unsaid between us. They divorced when I was in senior High and I guess that was pretty hard on me but I am only now starting to realize the ways in which it affected me.

trence wrote:I think I have inherited some shyness from my parents, that has probably made me more sensitive to rejection and such.

Through my child eyes, I internalized a deep perception that my dad did not care for me, want me, or love me. He certainly did not show love (not in a way that a child needs), and his erratic actions and neglect confirmed that I was unlovable.

Not realizing that my perception was skewed, I thereafter understood almost any form of rejection, however innocuous, as a personal attack. I craved and felt I needed total acceptance in order to believe I was ok, and as I discovered that can never happen; no one on this earth will ever always express their love for me, accept me, at all times and in spite of all things. So, I chose to withdraw to protect myself from what I feared was my fate: constant rejection from others. My avoidance, I believe, started as a very conscious decision not to trust people. I decided the only safe bet was to be alone, which was true to some extent at some points of my life (when my dad was drunk, for instance).

My choice to withdraw from the world was strengthened when I was bullied mercilessly by many of my classmates, both male and female, in public school.

I made tentative friends in University, hoping that things had changed for me. However, now I realize that my past had made me too starved for love and acceptance, and this starvation made it difficult to take part in a normal friendship. If anyone drew close to me I either shut them out completely out of fear or I felt terrifyingly possessive and needy. I never showed these feelings, instead I simply burned inside with jealousy and pain.

The relationships I've had were doomed from the start, because of my neediness and insecurity. When they failed, the rejection I felt became exponentially painful, until the last breakup that almost sent me over the edge, I really thought I was going to become insane.

Sorry for such a long answer. It may not seem necessary to go into such detail, but really, I don't think any one thing made me this way, I think there were key activating events but it's been a progressive problem. Personally, I think that until I can somehow heal that child inside, I will forever be in bondage to its insecurity and warped perspective.

Reading your post made me feel really connected to your story. Though my circumstances are different the way you described what it's like to have AvPD is highly accurate and cathartic.

My own reasons for being APD manifested themselves into painful, overhwleming shyness to the point that I could think of nothing else even when there was nobody around. So building fantasy worlds with my toys was the most important to me growing up. There were serious problems in my family of alcoholism and disputes. But also to a large extent, my AvPD was due to the fact that I'm an only child. It seems silly now but even the first day of school I freaked out at the sight of other kids and had nightmares about it. I also think I inherited my shyness at least through example from my mother.

My AvPD is rather mild now, but it did take over two years of counselling to overcome it.

And to trence, I wish you the best of luck.

I realised that I must have APD just recently. I think there are two things that caused it.

First of all it's my parents. They didn't directly reject me but they have never been happy and secure in their marriage. They never expressed affection to each other, I can't remember anything like that, all I saw as a child was indiffirence in the best case, anger and frustration in the worst case. They weren't very expressive to me either, they weren't strict and were quite accepting and took pride in my achievements etc, but they weren't people who would tell me they loved me or hug me and I've always found it extremely difficult, impossible even to show affection to others, not to mention to my parents. At the time I was about 11 they started to have the worst problems in their marriage due to some financial difficulties, we moved to a small place and from that on they would draw me into any fight, any argument they had almost insisting on taking sides. It was mainly my mum who couldn't cope in the new situation and would blame everyone for it, most often my dad. I was always blaming myself for things that were going on between them and felt inadequate when I couldn't do anything to help. It was always anger, grudge or guilt that I felt towards my mum, and frustration when I saw her crying and couldn't react propery. I was with all of this problems when I went to a new school and something happened and I was not accepted in my new environment, I was actually either rejected or ignored. That was what I think led to extreme forms of social anxiety, especially when I went to High School and had to find my place there again. I think that those things - never been taught to express affection and emotions and being rejected at school led me to isolation and fears of coming close to anyone and made me develop AvPD.

susieasado wrote:One confusing thing for me as an AvPDer is knowing whether or not people notice my actions, or whether or not I am acting in any shade of an acceptable manner.

And unfocusing your eyes? Mine have begun to do that on their own when I am nervous in public! Unfortunately it happened when I was driving two days ago, so looks like the bus from now on. How did you teach yourself to control it?

I think one of the worst things about AvPD is that it is a self-fulfilling cycle. You're nervous, you think you're acting weird, and other people pick that nervousness up and think that something is "off" with you. How people interpret that "off"ness seems to depend on the other party's maturity level, though.

The other kids in my childhood didn't know what I was going through. I withdrew, they kept me at a distance. It's the nature of kids to reject something different. Adults, on the other hand, were always more apt to label me as a loner or, more sympathetically, treat me like I was shy.

Oh, wow, you unfocused your eyes while driving? I've never learned to drive for just that reason. I don't trust myself to stay focused. I've tried to explain this to the people around me, but they don't understand and I'm afraid I was making it up. It feels kind of good to hear that it's a real problem for another avoidant--not that I'm happy it's a problem for you!

I still unfocus in extremely stressful public situations--at a party, for example, or when I'm feeling scrutinized or disliked. Basically, when I'm uncomfortable. I think it's a matter of comfort. I feel more comfortable with myself and have better self-esteem these days. In ordinary daily situations I'm not likely to feel the need to mentally check out.

In terms of attention span, though, that's something else. I still get compulsive day dreams that make it difficult to concentrate from time to time. When it happens, it happens, and my mind slides in and out. That's why I don't think driving is safe for me.

I have no excuse for the way I am. I never suffered any tragedies or trumatic events in my life. I grew up in an almost picturesque house hold in the suburbs, I had everything I could ever want, need, or ask for. So why am I so ###$ up?

Makes me feel like I'm broken on a fundamental level.

CriminallyVulgar wrote:I have no excuse for the way I am. I never suffered any tragedies or trumatic events in my life. I grew up in an almost picturesque house hold in the suburbs, I had everything I could ever want, need, or ask for. So why am I so ###$ up?

Makes me feel like I'm broken on a fundamental level.

Yeah I feel the same way. I wrote a long post above about what I feel caused mine, but it still seems like a bunch of #######4 to me since it doesn't involve any abuse or neglect or anything like that.

hannnnaa wrote:

CriminallyVulgar wrote:I have no excuse for the way I am. I never suffered any tragedies or trumatic events in my life. I grew up in an almost picturesque house hold in the suburbs, I had everything I could ever want, need, or ask for. So why am I so ###$ up?

Makes me feel like I'm broken on a fundamental level.

I’m kind of the same way, except for having parents who were masters of emotional abuse. Other than that, no physical or sexual abuse, no neglect, plenty well provided for, at least materially.

That feeling of being ###$ up on some fundamental level, though, I KNOW that. It’s something missing in me that’s present in others, or something present in me that’s missing in others... something.

I just know there’s so much that I don’t get, can’t get, that others seem to get naturally. I’ve rationalized it left and right, but I have to come back to myself at some point, the way I was born, how I was wired from the start.

At least if were in a wheelchair I’d have an obvious excuse...