Tryin to get back "out there"

Hey everybody,
Just found this forum and a lot of this hits home. Well, I'm not familiar with ya'll here so I don't know how old most people are yet, but I'm in that 25>35 range. Before that, I had at least somebody in my life, even if it was keeping them close.. maybe I'd have friends but not call a lot.. or I would date a girl, but it last only a few months.

So now it's been almost 5 years of what I consider truely being avoidant.

I never thought of myself "avoiding" rather I was "retreating for purpose of self-repairing". Just like a car in the shop. The car's not avoiding other cars, it's just in the shop.

So I think of myself as "in the shop". But my problem, is that I never actually had a problem. I put myself in isolation to fix a problem that being with people would have fixed. It's the isolation that's my problem.

Anyway, so I'm starting to take some classes, meet some cool people there but still can't take it further. I don't feel I can ever make friends that I feel are like "real" friends.. the ones I had in high school and college. I think I still have a need for friends like that. I can't deal with people with kids, people all grown up. I need people with chaos, people like us. Like me.

Do you really just wait for the one? Hope that strange, weird chick shows up in your life? I don't know, I think I'm waiting for helena bonam carter (sp?) in fight club to show up.

I know how you feel. I froze my age at 39 a few years ago. I'm still in the shop waiting to get some things fixed up so I will have some chance. I made a big mistake in 2004 and got porcelain veneers - turned out I am allergic to the cement. I had them removed and crowns put in, but I am still having trouble. It's too painful to talk, so I can't date.

Unless you are some super desirable alpha male, I would say you can't wait around for the one perfect woman. She might be out there, but the chances are against it. As you get older it gets harder and harder to find someone - the pool of eligable women gets smaller and smaller. Sure, there are lots of 20-25 year old women, but they have NO interset in an old geezer.

DON"T WAIT.

Hey,

I'm 24 at the moment and still live at home with my parents, but I worry about becoming isolated from everyone when I move out. I find it difficult maintaining relationships with people and never have the urge to really try anymore.

You said that you've had about 5 years of being 'avoidant'. So, what happened 5 years ago? Did something bad happen in your life that affected you?

Do you really just wait for the one? Hope that strange, weird chick shows up in your life? I don't know, I think I'm waiting for helena bonam carter (sp?) in fight club to show up.

No, you don't just wait. However, what you do first is concentrate on yourself - i.e. focus on what you want to do in life and then do them. I believe that once you do that, it will be easier to forge a relationship with a girl.

Kevin.

Chucky wrote:Hey,

I'm 24 at the moment and still live at home with my parents, but I worry about becoming isolated from everyone when I move out. I find it difficult maintaining relationships with people and never have the urge to really try anymore.

You said that you've had about 5 years of being 'avoidant'. So, what happened 5 years ago? Did something bad happen in your life that affected you?

Do you really just wait for the one? Hope that strange, weird chick shows up in your life? I don't know, I think I'm waiting for helena bonam carter (sp?) in fight club to show up.

No, you don't just wait. However, what you do first is concentrate on yourself - i.e. focus on what you want to do in life and then do them. I believe that once you do that, it will be easier to forge a relationship with a girl.

Kevin.

What happened was graduating college (No longer being a "kid", or a "student")..

Getting my first real job, feeling like I still needed to go through 'kid' stuff.. still forging my identity, friends, etc. WAsn't ready to be an adult working 9 to 5..

STress from school and personal life caused my hair to fall out, it's called alopecia. So you know, being in that phase where you're dating, that's a pretty big blow to confidence. It grew back though..

Just a general sense of giving up..

That's pretty much it.

Hey you got an advantage over me. I didn't have forums to go to, and didn't really know what other people were going through. That's what made it so hard. I think it should be easier for you, there's so much stuff out there, even places like this.

Trust me things can work out. I'm not saying I'm miserable, I'm not. I was like you, in fact right about 23-24 was a turning point for me. You just get sick of it after a while, and that becomes your window of opportunity. You gotta take advantage of it. Anyway feel free to contact me if you got any questions.

The future doesn't seem as bad now as it did when I posted my first reply to you. I've managed to consider the thought [of the future] and it's not so bad to think of now. I think that's how you get through these difficult thoughts: instead of avoiding them, allow yourself to think about them.

What classes are you taking by the way?