Dealing with the Holidays

I hate the holidays too. Dealing with my direct family is uncomfortable. Dealing with my extended family is worse. I just love explaining to all my relatives that no, i don't have a girlfriend yet no, i don't have a job yet and oh yea did you hear I dropped out of college, aren't you proud. And I feel like a worthless piece of $#%^ when I spend all my money on drugs and can't afford presents for my sister and parents. Before I got arrested for it I could shoplift all my gifts. My parents know I have no money and don't expect anything more than a card but I still feel bad.

Eh, I can deal - I'd just like to celebrate with people other than my family for once (namely friends).

It just makes me sad to remember how I ued to be happy at Christmas. I remember one year before my mother go so sick. I went downstairs and my father was there with all the presents including a small pool table. He said"look what Santa brought!" even though I was old enough to know about Santa. I'll never have a good Christmas like that again. Even my happy memories make me miserable.

I hate the holidays more and more each year. Christmas is the worst. I've tried to avoid thinking about it but with all the commercialization being rammed in my face I can't avoid it. As always I'll spend this Christmas alone. It's not the commercialization that makes me hate it (it's part of it) and how it lost it's meaning, it's the fact that I have no one to spend it with. I see people I know running around trying to buy the right gift and stuff and complaining how they have to deal with family. If only I had people to buy things for. If only I had people to spend it with.

When I was a kid I loved Christmas. I'd lay down at night and look at the lights on the tree and fall asleep the most content person in the world. It didn't matter what gifts I got. I loved seeing the faces on my parents and the people I gave gifts to when they opened them. I even remember the ornaments we put on the tree. I had a toy drum that was my favorite. We always had to put the sleigh that said Grandpa on it on first in memory of Grandpa who passed on. I have those happy memories. Yet when I think of them on Christmas it just gets me depressed and hurt and makes me feel miserable. I look at all the Christmas pictures of when I was a kid and of holidays gone by and it hurts to know that everyone in those pictures but me is dead. The years slip by quicker and quicker as time goes on, but the hurt and pain doesn't get any less. It only gets worse and grows deeper.

IF only people would appreciate what they have when they have it because not everyone is so fortunate. I can't wait for the holidays to be over.