Dealing with the Holidays

I hate them. Normal people have families and get together with them. I watch some football and go to a movie by myself. A couple of years I even worked on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I hate this crap.

I hate holidays too. I still live with my parents so we get together and have a stupid dinner in which awkward silence rules. Just staring at each other... I feel so stupid and I want to get up and go to my room.

I always wish I could work on christmas and these kind of days just so that I would have a nice excuse for not being there.

I would give anything to spend one more Christmas with my father.

I know I probably sounded like a angsty stupid teenager... but I have reasons to resent my parents. But I guess I am still lucky top at least have someone to celebrate this supposedly happy days.

I know - I was where you are once. My father was nowhere near perfect. He needed me later in his life. He had no one and I was there for him.

Oddly enough, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times my family eats together (I live with my parents). The rest of the time we are eating in our own area in the house, so I do appreciate dinners such as ones on holidays with my own family.

I also like seeing my cousins every now and then for Christmas dinner, since I really don't talk to them (for obvious reasons), but I hate being there; feels awkward when they talk to a rock.. But I try my best to be normal as possible. Lucky that becomes a little easier with some eggnog and beer.

I suppose if my cousin wrote to me and asked me to come over for the holiday I would go. But he didn't. I really don't have anything in common with my cousins anyway. I did see them last year at my uncle's funeral and one asked the dreaded question - when are you going to get married and have kids? I just said it's not looking good.

Ironically I love christmas, but definitely not because of the social element of it. Yes, the token dinners with the family is slightly annoying and everything, but I just seclude myself in my old bedroom and smoke while watching the complete silence and lack of people outside during the night. I like the atmosphere winter. Sometimes I even go for a walk at 2 am. I don't care if it's freezing, because it's just nice to be NOT surrounded by anything while I stroll along with my music headphones on.

You know those paintings or pictures of those winter scenes of streets covered in snow but no person is ever drawn? I'd love for that to happen once.

Yeah, the Christmas holidays are one of the times I fear because I have to ready myself to try to have a good time (but most times, the occasion becomes a dud). I am a follower, so I just follow my cousin or sister around the social panorama and at the same time I am fearing that I will be left standing alone sometime during the day. As I have a fear of rejection, being seen alone makes me feel like an underdog, a worhtless human being and I become really fragile and intimidated. Being alone by myslef without other people watching or present on the otherhand feels really soothing and just right - it's where I want to be most of the time. Nevertheless, I still desire and "hope" to break out and cease all the self consciousness and somehow find the self confidence to be in my own shoes by myself.

ugh, i hate buying presents. other than that i think christmas is pretty nice, would be nicer to spend it with someone other than family, but i guess that's just dreaming.