The question I hate the most...

Ikari Shinji wrote:Anyway, you have mentioned your friend so much that I can't help but be curious, so I'll ask: Whatever happened to him?

That, I have absolutely no idea... Our friendship never ended either, we just kind of lost contact. I'm not the type to try to recontact people either, I have phone numbers of quite a lot of old friends that I could contact again, but I really don't have any interest in it at all.

All I can say is that he became a very good friend of my best friend, as my best friend also has a lot of interest in psychology, so he could be just as supportive as I was. My best friend (not the AvPD one) was also quite extrovered. He tended to think very much like me, but he was significantly warmer and "could talk with the heart" like he said. I was a very good support for my AvPD friend, but I could only "talk with the head" like my best friend said: it was very rational, but awfully cold too, and lacked in the warming feeling... So maybe he ended up prefering the style of my other friend?

I was also starting to get very busy in my life (starting college, etc) and just didn't have time or interest to pursue friendships. I was still seeing my best friend and my AvPD friend from time to time; but I ended up seeing them less and less with time. I haven't heard of the AvPD one for about 8 years... not sure what he became, and I don't tend to be curious at all about those things. Maybe a little, but I would never actually try to find him back.

There is also something else very strong about it though. We talked about it on the SPD forum: there are some schizoids that have a strong tendency for codependence, and I am one of them.

Codependence is basically the need to live for somebody else. Some schizoids have little to no sense of self or ego and feel completely devoid of a purpose and suffer from it; so since they are unable to "live for themselves", they "live for somebody else" to cover their lack of sense of self and feeling of lacking any purpose and significance.

I know that when I had my AvPD friend, I was thinking about him CONSTANTLY. Him, his problems, his vision of the world, his unquenchable self-hatred, etc. Basically, at that time my "goal in life" or "purpose" was for him to feel better. When he found my other friend he started to hang around him more than around me, so I probably felt like he didn't need me anymore and I just stopped trying to hang around him because he didn't "give me my purpose".

I restarted feeling "empty" and purposeless for a moment, until my mother came along with never-ending problems that nearly destroyed any hope I could have for a future. But at least I had a purpose. I eventually left my mother, for my "needy" sister; so I am still codepending... Now I cannot live with my sister anymore, because she became WAY too needy, and staying with her means sinking with her.

So I suppose that since I restarted feeling purposeless I started to hang around the AvPD forum to satisfy my need to codepend, albeit very indirectly?

I guess that I could be called a slave in search of a master...

They say that people that codepend will never / have never known love, because among other things it is a very "unemotional" way of loving. To think about it, I do think I never loved anybody, since all the relations I had were people that directly needed me; and I tended to leave them the moment they didn't need me anymore. As if I don't like people for themselves, but for the purpose they give me. Hey... to think of it, that's quite depressing...

A similar question I get is "Why don't you ever smile?"

That question pisses me off to no end.

HellBellsLiveWire wrote:A similar question I get is "Why don't you ever smile?"

That question pisses me off to no end.

Yeah i get that all the time. I cant smile if i dont mean it. Thats why i dont smile, much.

A similar question I get is "Why don't you ever smile?"

I get that sometimes. Tell them that you're smiling on the inside. Or something else stupid.

I have been diagnosed as a "high functioning AvPD." It is a rather hellish emotional dichotomy. On the outside, sunny, bright, and cheery. But on the inside, much darker, moodier, and unknowable. I have been told the outer self is my "mask" and not really a part of the real me.

I disagree. Both parts of my self are me, they just don't have that much in common. Most people only see one and only one side of me: the outer self. They have no clue about the inner one.

I have learned I can let my other self emerge only within close relationships with people with whom I feel kindred. Those people are few and far between, but when I connect with them on that deeper level, it is such a relief. It is like a shot of adrenaline for my soul.

It is so annoying when you can sense people trying to initiate a conversation with you and they are talking to you, but looking elsewhere, as if to test the waters. I would assume that the "cold shoulder, body, face, everything" would have given it away that I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!! So stop trying to have a HALF conversation with the air next to me hoping I will step into it!
That pisses me off to no end. Just leave me the ###$ alone. If I want to talk to you, which will be rare, either I will be needing to get by, buy something and you are the cashier, or some other absolute necessity that doesn't result in jail time if I don't comply.